Ask a Priest

5,442 Responses

Clare, on December 13, 2013 at 10:34 pm said:

It has been a while since I first asked a question. I just wanted to clarify, I am real and Clare is my real name. My husband and I were both baptised Catholic in November 2012. I have tried and keep trying to make our lives better. I know it is hard only hearing from side, but I would never lie. I am seriously worried about the effect my husband behaviour will have on our children, 2 weeks ago, I just went up stairs because I could not stand to hear him calling our son a retard. This must be sin on my part – but if I try to stand up to him he has a way of making me feel that it’s all in my head and it’s fine to let the children call me a tart or bitch. I am worried my daughter will think it is OK to be treated like this, or my son will think it OK to treat women this way. I have and do try to talk to him but as I said he has a way of making me feel it is me and Father, the criticism of my cooking sounds minor but it is everyday – a constant put down, it gets to me. He calls me a whore and jokes about me sleeping with other men – I have never this, I have been faithful for all of our years together – but they are not jokes, once at school I spoke to another child’s father, just a polite hello, he will then wind me up about this for weeks. It gets to the point where I am afraid to speak to anyone of the opposite sex, if I did bring this up, he would twist it and say why would I want to speak to anyone anyway! I can not go to confession without him questioning me about what I am confessing, I am feeling more and more that I have to leave him, for my own sanities sake as well as the children. I have no friends, no family – he did not like me seeing them, I do not work – I want to work but he makes excuses saying the job is too far and how we would need two cars – I am happy to walk and go by train just to be working but he won’t let me. I keep praying for guidance, asking for help but I feel I must make a decision, I am just scared God will be unhappy that I have given up. But we have been together for 22 years and he has not worked for 15 of those years, and I so very tired of trying to keep him happy, keep the children quite so he can have a lie in. I am so sorry to go on but I have no one else to talk to, I do not want to tell our priest incase my husband decides to come back to church – he hasn’t been for a couple of months. Please Father can you guide me?

FATHER JOE:

Dear Clare,

You are right to be concerned. Everyone’s dignity must be safeguarded. Name-calling can wound people to the core of their being. When your husband demeans a child, he is falling short in regards to the fatherhood to which God has called him. Toleration of any assault upon you is a basic failure to keep his marriage vows. He is pledged to defend your honor and virtue— cherishing, honoring and making you happy. I am deeply troubled by the coarsening of manners toward women. Sons and fathers should always be true Christian gentlemen. This is the witness that we are duty-bound to emulate.

Confession is between you and God. Even a husband cannot demand you break this confidence. It sounds to me that your husband is a deeply troubled man. Marriages demand trust. He needs to trust you. He needs to act in a way that would restore your confidence in him.

You have been isolated; such is a tactic I have seen before with controlling spouses. They strip their partner of supports so that there can be no outside criticism or possible refuge. I am surprised that he even allows you to communicate on the Internet.

You should not be afraid to tell you priest. There is too much fear in your life. There is no easy fix for your situation. Twenty-two years is a long time, but the situation you are suffering through is untenable. As for your husband, often the people who need help refuse it. He needs help. Family counseling is in order. How do you pay your bills if he does not work and tells you that you cannot have a job? How old are the children? After so many years I would suspect that some of them are now adults (or nearing). I believe in marriage and would normally urge that every effort should be pursued to save a relationship. But, if all you say is true, you have many negatives working against you.

Many prayers,
Father Joe
James, on December 13, 2013 at 7:21 pm said:

I have a friend that is in a very bad marriage. She is not Catholic but even so she does not believe in divorce. What should she do? Her husband can be physically abusive but he is also verbally abusive every single day. Belittling her and making her feel like crap. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t cry. He is not good father to their 3 sons as he will not help around the house, will not get a job, and makes her do all the work as he sells drugs and will not give money for diapers or bills. He cheats on her and leaves the house for days at a time without notice. There is much more going on but that is the toxic environment in which they live. What does the church say to do in a situation like this? He is not a good influence on the children as he often comes home drunk and is an angry person. Please give me as much information as you can. When is enough, enough? She tries her very hardest to help him and change him and she prays constantly but he is stuck in his ways. She would also like to know about annulments? How exactly does that work and what are the criteria. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was on drugs when they got married.

FATHER JOE: Since he is not working it is evident that he has no income to support the family. Given that he is engaged in illegal activity, I would notify the police and have him arrested. Children should not be exposed to those involved with drugs. Married or not, remaining with such a person is absolute foolishness.
Sarah, on December 13, 2013 at 3:05 pm said:

Hi father, do you think that attending a Ballet show or participating in the ballet is immodest and an impure act? I ask this because of the possible scandal committed due to the sometimes immodest movements, and fitted clothing (leotards).
Thanks!

FATHER JOE: I cannot speak for all modern dance, but classical ballet is permitted. The delicacy is that there is a difference between art and pornography. Classical dance celebrates the beauty of the human form and communicates through stylistic movement. The question comes up regularly this time of year because of the Nutcracker.
Grace, on December 13, 2013 at 2:42 pm said:

Ana,
I’m going to add my two cents worth here. Your dad is having some issues and for some reason, he is maybe not opening up to anyone else. When parents have issues with one another, children often have to grow up pretty fast. Some times, these children might even have to shoulder parent/spouse responsibility – the listening ear, the comforting words, taking on home responsibilities such as shopping, cooking, cleaning, making decisions….It’s very hard but some times it is necessary.
But I also think, not only is it your responsibility to pray for both your parents but you should guide THEM to prayer too. They should also speak with their priest. This is because in their pain, the lines between parent and child can be blurred and it may not be a good thing for anyone in the end. When they cry out for your comforting, it’s actually a cry for God’s help.
And you can and should do the will of God but you cannot be God for them.
So, Ana, do what needs to be done but keep a very clear head. God bless.
Ana, on December 12, 2013 at 5:38 pm said:

I thought I was, being careful who I tell. You nor anyone else here know who I am, and the only persons I talked about it in person is either bound with profession silence or the seal of confession.

As a last note, though, dad and mom are still together; he hasn’t lost her. If anything, she lost him.
Ana, on December 12, 2013 at 2:54 pm said:

Sorry, should’ve elaborated more. I know, incest usually means physical boundaries being crossed between family, yes, but what else would one call a dad who feels more like a controlling boyfriend than a dad?

To be more specific, say a father confides in his daughter from her teens to her adulthood things about his struggling marriage, about his personal emotional struggles, etc., wanting/respecting no boundaries between the two. This father is distant from his wife, and the more distant they get, the closer he gets to his daughter. He constantly needs to know where she is, and often tried to guilt her into turning on the tracking software he installed on her phone.

He may or may not touch his daughter in obviously inappropriate places, but he might get physically very close when he kisses her, and the kisses feel more like how he should be kissing his wife. When the daughter expresses discomfort, he’d act very hurt, saying things like “Don’t you love me?” or “You ought to show me more respect.” When she’d be upset/sad and want space, her dad would ignore her wishes and literally follow and corner her, acting completely baffled and hurt when she, feeling threatened, locked her door on him.

Additionally, the daughter found some books in his bookshelf involving a less than reputable middle-aged man sleeping around, sometimes forcefully, with women of decreasing age. The father obviously lied to her when she asked why he had them, and didn’t make any comment when she took them and threw them away.

This isn’t constant behavior, which actually confuses and scares me more. I dont really know what to do. Dad confided how he’d attempted suicide after mom threatened him with divorce for the first time, and again, he equates my wanting to move out with divorce, making me fear that he might try to kill himself if I tried to leave. I don’t know if I can trust that this all is wrong behavior because of my past experiences, but it feels very wrong when he acts this way. I feel like I’m caught in a love triangle between my parents, even if I’d been trying to establish more space between us. It seems like it’s working, but I still feel scared.

FATHER JOE: It just sounds like a lonely hurting man who is focusing his love upon his daughter. I guess such can be smothering sometimes. Be careful about exposing any private weaknesses or sins of your father. Even the confrontation is a delicate matter. Men who have lost a spouse and then the respect of their children are often the casualties of either an active or passive suicide. They stop taking care of themselves. The temptation is despair… that they are neither lovable nor loved.
mari, on December 12, 2013 at 3:41 am said:

No its totally inappropriate and why would you want to. What kind of behaviours you’ll have to elaborate.
Ana, on December 11, 2013 at 5:39 pm said:

Father,

Does the Church address anywhere something called “emotional incest”, where there isn’t necessarily physical boundaries crossed, but emotionally they are very crossed between a father to his daughter? Is it wrong for him to do that, conduct himself in a sort of spousal way rather than fatherly way around his daughter?

FATHER JOE: I am not sure what you mean. Are we talking about lewd talk and behavior? Incest is usually regarded as physical violation. Of course, there are various types of inappropriate behavior, i.e. gestures, talk, etc.
Christina, on December 11, 2013 at 4:40 am said:

I am doing an essay about a catholic priest and i was wondering do you think that a priest lives a moral life and why do you think that?

FATHER JOE: Almost all priests live moral and faithful lives. They are committed to the worship of God and service of his people. Such is their vocation. They have dedicated their whole lives and practice the evangelical counsels. They pledge themselves as signs of contradiction: vowing obedience and celibacy. They are poor men who place their treasure in Christ. They care for the sick, the poor, the lonely and the afraid. They realize the meaning of charity.
Mariana, on December 11, 2013 at 2:23 am said:

Please go to Confession!
I was in that same boat for almost 20 years, aching and repented. And one day, my friend who knew how bad I wanted to confess and how scared I was, set me up in a way that I could not get out. So I confessed. It has been over a year, and tears still run down my cheeks when I remember that first Confession after 20 years of sin, I confessed in a different city, with a priest I will never see again (but I pray for him every single day until the day I die)
Louise, I felt (physically) the Holy Spirit as he gave the Absolution. If you are a repented sinner, you will experience the Grace of God in a way that is just powerful. Now, I really, really understand when Jesus said that Heaven was happy when a sinner repented.
Do not refuse going back to God, because he will shed so many graces, it will make you cry.
john appignon, on December 10, 2013 at 9:41 am said:

So, are all women who take the birth control pill or who get divorced going to hell?

And if that is the case why should they attend a Catholic Church?

FATHER JOE:

I am not sure from where this question is coming. The tone sounds belligerent.

Did I ever say that all women who take contraceptives are necessarily hell bound? No, I did not.

The sins and violations against purity and the marriage covenant can be forgiven by the Lord. Yes, even serious closure or animosity to human life can know healing. But sins they remain and we leave a person’s ultimate judgment between them and God.

As for why we should all join the Catholic Church, my reasoning is simple. It is the faith community established and empowered by Christ to bring grace and mercy into our lives. My hope is in Christ and I find him in the Church. Indeed, the Church is his mystical body. None are saved apart from Christ. None are saved apart from his Church. We proclaim the Gospel and preach the forgiveness of sins— not to damn people— but to save them.
Robert Hababa, on December 8, 2013 at 3:13 pm said:

And Does justification from the guilt of all sin encourage sinning? Why or why not?

FATHER JOE: Catholics do not accept the notion of once saved, always saved. We believe that true faith can sour. The Protestant fundamentalist might argue that if a person falls into serious sin then his or her Christian faith was a deception. This softens the blow when so-called “saved persons” commit all sort of scandals. However, the argument is harder to make about ministers. This was the issue some years back with television evangelists who suffered sex scandals. Did they never believe? Was it always fake? Or did they stumble and forfeit grace? The Catholic Church believes that we can lose sanctifying grace through serious or mortal sin. However, we can ask God for mercy. Catholics can go to confession, again and again, and if they are truly contrite, they can be forgiven. Having said this, even the absolution from the priest would not strip away all temporal punishment due to sin. That is where the notion of purgation or purgatory comes in. A person might not have damned himself, but he may still need to offer personal atonement for sin. We must be totally cleansed and made perfect to share the life of heaven. Sin will be punished. There will be a reckoning. Jesus has paid the price that makes possible our passage. Without Jesus, no one can approach the Father.
Robert Hababa, on December 8, 2013 at 3:12 pm said:

What is the relationship between man’s work and God’s work in sanctification?

FATHER JOE:

A saving faith is not merely a verbal profession or intellectual assent. It immediately implies a profound unity with Christ that is realized in the life of charity and obedience. Works have merit because they are means by which the resurrected Lord lives and ministers through us. Everything that Jesus does has value… on the Cross and in the life of the Church. The relationship is one of immediacy. There is both an profound intimacy and a transformation in Christ. Our discipleship is the ground for both our receptive disposition and for the actualization of Christ’s effective intervention.

Matthew 7:21 – “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven.”

John 14:20-21 – “On that day you will realize that I am in my Father and you are in me and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and observes them is the one who loves me. And whoever loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and reveal myself to him.”

Romans 6:16 – Do you not know that if you present yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?

2 Corinthians 5:17 – So whoever is in Christ is a new creation: the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come.

Galatians 5:14 – For the whole law is fulfilled in one statement, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

James 2:24 – See how a person is justified by works and not by faith alone.
Adam Chahine, on December 7, 2013 at 6:05 pm said:

Also, can faith and repentance separately exist?

FATHER JOE: Repentance makes faith possible. We are sinners. If there is no contrition or sorrow for sin then what becomes of forgiveness? The ancient proclamation still demands a connection: Repent and Believe!
Adam Chahine, on December 7, 2013 at 6:00 pm said:

I was wondering what the answer to this question was in terms of a Catholic. Do you agree with the doctrine of Effectual Calling?

FATHER JOE: No, effectual calling is more a Calvinistic idea than that of Catholicism and the other mainline traditions. God’s providence and St. Augustine’s notion of predestination to glory still figure in human freedom and disposition over any kind of absolute determinism (as when an inner call is reckoned as never failing). There is a mystery to this because God’s will, will be done. Further, Catholicism would acknowledge that the Holy Spirit not only moves us to faith and prayer but makes them possible. You cannot say Jesus is Lord unless moved by the Holy Spirit. Another problem with the theory of effectual calling is the flipside… that some are reckoned as predestined for perdition.
Robyn, on December 7, 2013 at 5:36 am said:

I have asked you about this already but I now have another question. I have fibroid tumors one quite large and it’s squishing my bladder which is making my life miserable. This has been going on for several years (the bladder thing) and has now progressed worse since fibroids have grown a lot this year. It has been suggested by 2 gynecologists that I have a hysterectomy. However, the gynecologist I have now said another option I may consider is uterine fibroid embolization. I read up on it and it doesn’t work for several months and only shrinks the fibroids about half and it may or may not work, etc. As a catholic, do I have to go with the embolization because it’s not taking out my uterus? Or is it still Ok for me to decide to have hysterectomy?

FATHER JOE: My answer is what it was before, you can morally listen to your doctors on this one. Scraping and efforts at shrinking the fibroids is okay but note that a hysterectomy is the routine solution from doctors. I do not know how old you are or if you plan on having children. But would the fibroids even allow a successful pregnancy? You noted that yours are quite large. The direct intention is not sterilization but to eradicate the pain you suffer and the distress upon the bladder.
Adam Chahine, on December 7, 2013 at 1:20 am said:

Also, if you can explain what intellect and essence is?

FATHER JOE:

Intellect is generally understood as mental ability or reasoning. Catholicism associates this faculty for thinking with the self-reflective cognitive power of the soul. The soul possesses the powers of intellect and will. Such is also true for the angels. However, we are spiritual-corporeal composites: souls and bodies.

The essence is that whereby a thing is what it is. The words nature (in regards to how it acts), species (abstraction) and form (segregation or distinction of one thing from another) are sometimes used interchangeably with it. Essence is discussed alongside existence. Existence allows the essence to be actualized from the virtual or possible to the real in line of being.

Potency always precedes existence in the created order.
Adam Chahine, on December 7, 2013 at 1:12 am said:

I have a question that’s been bothering me. What is the importance of someone or something’s name?

FATHER JOE:

Names are more than labels, they are expressions of our identity.

The giving of the name in the baptismal liturgy is significant. It reminds us that God calls us all by name.

The Jews hesitated to use God’s name since such implies ownership. No one has sovereignty over God.

Of course, Jesus is the saving name in that he made himself a slave, taking our sins upon himself.

When a priest does an exorcism, he will ask the demon for his name. This gives him a level of control over the entity.
Anthony Parker, on December 5, 2013 at 8:04 am said:

Hello I got a few question to a project I’m making for school. The questions are about aliens and if they exist.

1. Do you believe that life exists on other planets in the universe? Why or why not?

FATHER JOE:

This question requires certain specificity in both the asking and in responding. First, what do you mean by life? Catholicism has always taught that there is extraterrestrial life and that it is sentient. However, this is in reference to angelic beings: both the good angels and the demons. They are spiritual creatures, not a composite of soul and meat like us. (Please note that atheistic authorities would object that we are only “thinking meat” and that there is no spiritual component. It is somewhat ironic that these same “experts” would insist that there must be life elsewhere in the universe, although there is no proof at present. Further, they suffer from a type of terrestrial racism because they suppose that all alien life must be akin to us, either biological or by extension, mechanical.)

Second, if you mean to exclude angelic creatures, then as a reasonable man I am well aware of both the Drake Equation and the Fermi Paradox. Half of all stars in the universe may have earth-like planets, but this in itself only gives us a probability, not a certainty. We suppose an understanding of the conditions for life, like water, but what if we are too restrictive? Might there be a world where the climate is hellish and the denizens breathe sulfur? We know that there are micro-organisms on our planet that are dependent upon methane.

Third, even if 100,000 planets in our own galaxy might sustain life as we know it, would such life exist by necessity and/or would it be sentient? While I think it likely that there is something “out there” even if microbial, there is no corresponding guarantee that it would be sentient. Catholicism associates consciousness with self-reflective thinking. The scholastics viewed this as not merely a property of the brain but of the soul. We might live in a universe of plants, bugs and cattle. The reason no one answers our calls into space might be because of the distances, but such could also be due to the fact that no one is listening or that no one cares to respond. Intelligence could be of two orders, if it exists: one would be like the ant or bee. They know a genuine sophistication and a civilization (of sorts) might develop. But they would be largely robots. Concepts like freedom or compassion might be meaningless to them.

The second scenario would allow for genuine sentience and such creatures, if they exist, would be ensouled. Here I think of C.S. Lewis and his creatures of Mars who had not fallen from grace and the Venusians who were just now facing their moral test in the garden. Would such creatures suffer from original sin? If so, then how and would Christ’s redemptive work include them? What this means is that they would be asked if they are redeemed or damned.

A recent suggestion for the celestial silence is the theory that instead of federations of planets, star faring societies tend to wipe out the competition before they can become a threat. If true, then there might be an armada of asteroids being directed to us and our sun as I speak. There is no guarantee that aliens will be benevolent.

To answer your question, personally, I do not know if there is alien life. Mathematical probabilities might be wrong. We could possibly be alone in the material universe. I do not know God’s mind about this. Of course, given the various string theories, might life still exist in another universe? Hum, where is heaven and hell, precisely? The speculation about other dimensions in science may bring us back to the truths in religion.

2. How would you react, if actual proof of alien life were discovered?

FATHER JOE:

It represents no challenge to faith. The Creator made it all. I would probably respond by saying a loud and drawn out, Wooooow!

3. Should humans travel into space?

FATHER JOE:

Certainly we should not neglect the issues of earth by doing so; but, yes, I think that missions into space are part of our developmental trajectory as a species. It reflects an important element of man’s intelligent curiosity. There are things to know and resources to exploit. I think there should be a chaplain on the International Space Station. Indeed, I would argue for permanent bases on the moon before we tackle the more difficult task of establishing settlements on Mars. There is no world in our solar system apart from earth that is hospitable to human life. Whether or not Mars or one of the moons of the gas giants can be terraformed is a topic for science fiction and the distant future.
Marie, on December 3, 2013 at 8:20 pm said:

FATHER JOE: You already posted this comment. Follow LINK.
Mike B., on December 3, 2013 at 8:04 pm said:

Hello, I have been wondering about forgiveness in general. Are there any sins so bad that they will never be forgiven, regardless of how much you repent and accept Jesus?

FATHER JOE: As long as you are alive, there is hope. If you are sorry, you can be forgiven. However, after death, our orientation and choice becomes permanent.

As an extreme hypothetical, if Lucifer suddenly repented and asked for forgiveness from God, would he be forgiven?

FATHER JOE: This is a nonsense question. It contains within itself a self-contradiction. The devil is a pure spirit. He lives outside time. He has turned away from God. He cannot turn back. He hates God. This status is forever. Hell is more than a place. It is also a disposition. That is why the devil can say, “I am hell.” We should not feel sorry or romanticize the devil. We in our mortality are capricious in our choices. By the angels and the souls of the dead live in eternity. All they know is the eternal now. They are what they are. There is neither the desire nor the opportunity to change. Just as the saints are safely in their heaven for ever and ever; so too are the damned, lost forever. The fallen angels define something of their angelic natures by their rebellion. They cannot be remade.

Does God’s forgiveness only apply to humans, in other words?

FATHER JOE: Yes, only “living human beings” can avail themselves of God’s mercy. The demons would have none have it. Indeed, they hate the Divine Mercy, itself.

It is a bit of a silly hypothetical which will probably never happen, but I was just curious what the official line of thought on such a thing would be. Thank you and God bless.

FATHER JOE: You’re welcome. Peace!
Lynne, on December 3, 2013 at 1:50 am said:

Father, can you kindly explain the commandment “Honor Thy Father and Mother” with regards to parents who abuse their children mentally, spiritually (twisting and using religion to bully the child into submission) and emotionally? What does honor actually mean? How do we honour such parents? Tq, FR

FATHER JOE: If parents are honored then they must be honorable. No one can be obliged to suffer abuse or to be party to sin. While the commandment urges obedience to parents, it also demands that parents should be moral and nurturing in their relations with offspring. Originally the commandment was more addressed to adults than to parents. God let his people know that we have obligations to parents as they get older. Just as they cared for us, we should look to their needs when time and sickness should reduce their resources and abilities. Mental and spiritual abuse should be regarded seriously, just as we would not dismiss physical abuse. However, parents are within their rights to demand upright moral behavior and proper religious formation of the young. As long as offspring live under the roof of their parents, there is a certain level of subservience to them. That is why adults move out and start their own lives. Similarly, elderly parents who live with their children, may have to tolerate how things are done differently in their homes.
Sarah, on December 2, 2013 at 5:28 am said:

I did the Blasphemy Challenge years ago and regret it now that I’m re-discovering faith. Was it an unforgivable sin? http://tinyurl.com/y3o29t

FATHER JOE: As long as there is breath in your body, sin can be forgiven. The atheists who promoted the “challenge” did not understand hyperbole and the correct reading of Scripture. Sin is only unforgiveable when there is no sorrow for sin and repentance. One cannot simultaneously reject God’s mercy and invoke it through contrition. Are you sorry for your sins? The Divine Mercy is ready and desirous of forgiving you.
Marie, on November 30, 2013 at 9:05 pm said:

I am probably the most lonely and scared person in the world right now.

When I was 18 I met a man; he was a Muslim. I fell in love with him. He treated me pretty badly. Fast forward 9 years and he decided he loved me and did everything the right way. I was patient and loyal to him. He realized I was worth it. I moved to be with him and met his family. They were not overjoyed but were friendly considering their religions attitude to ‘kaffirs.’

I never gave the religious differences much thought. But as I started to get to know them all, I realized why he’d been the way he’d been for so many years. I realized that Islam is the greatest trick of the devil, and the greatest divider and destroyer. I started to research it, for example ‘halal’ is the name of Satan in the original Hebrew text I read the Quran too. One morning I woke up with the words ’77 days’ in my head. It felt profound I was moved to open my bible to psalm 77; it talked about crying out to God in despair. It encompassed all the feelings I’d been having.

From that day on I began to randomly open my bible. I started to voice my opinion to my partner about the evils of Islam and about his need for Jesus, the great wiper-away of tears and the Great Comforter. I told him it is okay to cry— to be weak— to be human. As time went by, every day I’d open the bible maybe 5 or 6 times. It was always specific to my life. As this happened my partner began to become aggressive and volatile or sometimes just silent. Spiritual warfare was present in my home. One example is he grabbed me by the collar of my coat and threw me to the ground. I opened to Job and read, “He grabs you by the collar of your coat and throws you into the dirt.”

One day he got angry and tore up my bible. I rebuked him in Jesus’ name and he fell to the floor and sobbed like a child. That night he apologized for the first time ever in 12 years. By that point, he told me lots of awful things that happened to him as a child. I kind of knew he’d been abused. It is part of the religion, this superiority and godliness given to the men of the family. It makes them believe they can do whatever they want. I held him tight and we agreed to get a new bible the following day. When I woke up there was a rainbow. I felt entirely filled with the Holy Spirit. I felt amazing despite all he’d told me the night before. I felt truly blessed. When we got home after a very emotionally close day, we prayed together. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a page from my bible under the ironing board. I started to weep and said to him look— “that’s a message for you.” I had cleaned the whole room the night before. I was so excited— so filled with the Holy Spirit. It was Isaiah 48 and yes it was for him. He was visibly moved but got angry and stormed off upstairs for the evening. I praised God. Things got worse and so I left him for a week. He didn’t call me even once. I was tearful and sad. Walking down the road I saw a lady who looked extremely out of place standing on the corner dressed in purple. She smiled at me and waved and I felt an amazing feeling of love like I’ve never felt from anyone in my life. I went into the pub and saw a man sitting on a stool. He looked very Jewish. Round olive face, hooked nose, he was staring at me— almost through me— I was terrified I felt he was watching me. Anyway in time my partner called and was upset and said he didn’t want to lose me. We spoke for five hours and I guess that’s where my rebellion began. He said he wanted to get to know Jesus. I sent him home and when I slept that night I felt Jesus’ arms around me. I had a dream that I could not get across a lake and my partner told me he couldn’t carry me over. Jesus was standing across on the other side staring at me sadly. I had a friend at this time, a male friend, who was loving, kind and understanding I think I was starting to have feelings for him— just a feeling of being understood. I wish now that I had realized the one who understood me the most was my Lord and Savior. He could see right inside my heart and soul.

So I went back to my partner and things were great for a while but every time I tried to tell him who Jesus was he flipped out. And so, I thought this guy was wasting my time. I will not have Muslim children or children influenced in any way by Islam. He insisted they would eat halal meat. I said that gives them a strong identity as a Muslim and so it’s not going to happen. So one day he beat me so bad that I couldn’t open my mouth. I cried out to Jesus and again he fell to the floor weeping. This was not his style. He usually was unashamed and unapologetic but I guess I knew the demons were within him. That day he was looking up and down the stairs, holding me over them like he was trying to assess how damaging the drop would be. So I opened my bible and was told to leave. So I did. I told him when we argue I have nowhere to go. So I got myself this little caravan a hundred miles away or so and he was very cooperative. He said he just didn’t want me to leave him and that when these things happened it is like darkness comes over him, that he wasn’t in control. I understood that I was preaching Jesus’ message and the demons within him did not like it. It was only in the last two years that he was ever physically violent towards me. When we got to the caravan, I’ll never forget the look on his face. It was appreciative like “this is a new start.” He left me a beautiful note the next morning saying he loved me and would see me soon. I read in my bible “stay close to god.”

I did not.

I spent the first week in severe physical pain and being sick I did not call out to Jesus to help me. It was as if I forgot him. My reasons for leaving became more about the abuse than the religious differences. I became a b-tch. Within three weeks I started a relationship with my male friend. I started chain smoking. I didn’t ever leave that caravan. I moped and let this guy pander to me and love me and do things for me. I told everyone what my ex had done to me. Meanwhile my ex started going to church and opening the bible at random and recording his feelings. He also started going to counselling. I defamed him to everyone we knew. I was so tired of being let down by him. I became his enemy. I used to work with him and I took a redundancy payout from him rather than getting off my lazy arse and getting a job or doing some good for others. I became the devil. I was lazy, unkind, ungodly, bitter, tormented day and night by visions and dreams— fear is of the devil, there is no place for it in the kingdom of heaven. His family even called me to apologize and tell me he could not live without me. This was my chance to be a Christian. Did I take it? No, I was hostile. My ex started to really get into church and feel loved by Jesus. I should have held his hand and stood by him. Did I go to church? No. I was reminded of this one day in the caravan as the bells rang for 45 minutes solid. I thought, “I haven’t been to church for a while,” then they stopped ringing. Meanwhile, for the first time ever, I felt empowered and like I (excuse my language) didn’t give a f-ck.

Several times my ex came down sobbing— wanting to talk to me— wanting to share God’s Word— leaving extracts outside my door from services he attended. I didn’t read any of them. He even followed me around town. The one time I pretended he wasn’t around. My physical ailments continued. I had the oddest medical problems going on. Oh how often I defied God in the desert. One morning I woke up sweating. I had a dream that I was pregnant and God said, “Call him maher shalal hash baz.” It is my name, halal and my ex’s name. Then in the dream a huge tall evil man said “When you are deliriously happy I will strike you down.” When I awoke I looked this name up online and low and behold in Isaiah there is a prophetic child born to a prophetess called ‘maher Shalal hash baz’ which ironically means speed to the spoil quick to the plunder.

I went on holiday with my new man to a place renowned for lose living. The day before my whole face broke out in welts and swelled up but nothing was going to stop me going on holiday and pandering to myself some more.

My ex had found two shells on a beach and made us pendants out of them. The one night we were sitting at the table, me and the new man, and the lighter dropped onto the cloth and burnt a hole into it— exactly the same shape as my ex’s pendant. I have photos. It was a punch to the stomach. I nearly went home but went upstairs and defied God once again. My ex had also bought me a beautiful cross which I’d hung up in the caravan. Around this time I was just getting warning after warning from the bible. “I will give your men to other women.” “Look at you fulfil your lust as my holy symbol hangs above you.” “You will be shamed in your nakedness,” etc. So I went to church with my dad. The night before, I was so scared of hell. I had really started to think about it and the sermon was entitled “Hell.” The night before I’d held my cross and said Jesus Christ I don’t know what’s happening but please just take me to heaven now.

After the service I cried and my dad invited my ex back to our house to talk and for some reason I had this need to confess all my sins to my whole family. My dad got angry with me and told me to go home so my ex drove me back. I took his cross from the drawer and put it on and wow I felt such a genuine compassion and deep love for him. Then these words came out of my mouth “Oh no you’ve lost your eternal salvation,” so I tore it off and heard “Oh you are evil.” This was the second time I’d heard God’s voice. The first time was when I made my ex go to a medical appointment with me and I heard “Be kind to baz.” And my disc in face, which needed an operation, slipped down and I started to weep.

I got really flustered with the cross incident and I told him to go home. That night the cross whispered and in the morning it was not in my hand. It was up on the side.

Every time my ex and I had hung out, which I limited to three or four occasions that year, it was like some kind of weirdness was going on. For example, a guy dressed as the devil in the middle of the road made me think, “the devil’s trying to get in-between baz and I” or leaflets on the surgery that had a picture of the devil on next to another leaflet called “the forgotten man” and going to see another caravan and me with my Irish-small-town-totally-unusual-surname being closely related to the woman. Anyway, I ignored all that and started having visions of hell and bad dreams where I was walking through hell. I could smell it and see all the torture methods used and saw myself burning and screaming. So for some stupid reason I stopped sleeping. I prayed loads but it just continued. So my new man took me to the hospital and when I got there three people sat in front of me. I recognized Jesus immediately. The name “mary godsonrose” was called out. I heard God’s voice— “come on hanniel please let us help you— I will help you write your book” ( something I knew I should have been doing all year) about Islam and personality disorders and domestic abuse all being from Satan. I didn’t even know what hanniel meant at that time. I stared and I felt an amazing feeling of healing all over my neck. It was beautiful but all that went through my head was “I want to throw her into the pit of hell.” When they left I ran after them shouting ‘Jesus.’ The man with the hooked nose and olive skin from the year before was there; he looked deeply sad and troubled. I know he was God. I went into a doctor who asked me “crisis call?” I said “I know what you’re doing just be quiet.” He looked quite bemused. Then I started to mistrust everyone; like it was a big conspiracy and they were all in on it and knew I’d seen God. It couldn’t be further from the truth. They gave me sleeping tablets but that night I was a mess. My parents came down the next day and before they arrived, I threw away all my writing and hid in a bush shaking.

I ended up in a mental health ward and the first night could not sleep because of the pulsing feeling of evil. Upon arriving a woman shouted at me “Hi Jesus, Hi Jesus— you are disgusting. You could have helped me and I’ve been like this all my life. I don’t have a problem with (the new partner’s name) but I have a problem with you.” This continued for weeks and left me confused. The demons outwardly attacked me and knew my entire life story. One day I saw his guy and he sat in the foyer; I recognized him as the devil and I rebuked him. Five minutes later one of the women, “Gloria,” shouted at me “You ignore me to talk to the man upstairs” and she spat on me. Another patient threw a cup of tea in my face and said “You never stop trying, do you?” I was praying like crazy at this point. It was completely insane. The whole thing— even all the patients— were named after people I loved. The nurses were called fortunate and patience. I prayed dear God deliver me and 5 minutes later a team turned up to take me home, but guess what? I didn’t go because they ‘looked demonic.’ Three days later I had a tribunal. The day before, I was compelled to speak to the evil one. He even asked “now or next week”? That night I sweated profusely. God had tried to warn me that morning with a severe nosebleed and vivid dreams but I still did it. I didn’t get out at my tribunal and this demonic doctor who ‘disappeared’ after my case was grinning the whole way through. Before I spoke to him, another women had turned up signed herself, took me into a room and said “This is getting very serious now Marie.” I had her out of there in minutes. She is untraceable and I know God sent her.

8 years ago I had a dream. In the dream I was in a big White hospital telling everyone the devil was in me and I had lost my soul. They were all laughing at me. In the dream I got my leg caught up in a black cable with a pink green and blue wire coming out of it. In the dream demons were laughing, saying you are going to hell but you better pray you go to hell. In the dream a girl I went to school with was a doctor. I’ve looked her up and she’s a psychiatrist. One week after I spoke to the devil this cable incident happened. When I saw that cable outside on my walk I felt sick and so scared.

I am at home now but every day I wait for something bad or evil to happen. My naturally joyful and loving personality is gone. I have let down my God just by being human and confused. Having had such direct contact from him I should have been putting on the armor of god and living a sinless life. The devil even had me convinced the world had turned Islamic at one point! This was when the first social worker turned up. I asked her “Do you know what this is about?” She said yes— Jesus needs you. I said, ‘”Will my family get hurt if I don’t come with you?” She said ‘yes.’ I said I don’t want to go with you. She looked horrified and left. I tried to run after her and had all these visions that I’d handed the covenant over to Islam.

Anyway, I’m going to hell and at any time the devil could take me over and do something utterly evil to someone I love.

There is a God. There is a Jesus. There is a Mary— I have seen them. There will be a judgment day and those called to his service should throw themselves at his feet— that is everyone. We are all called in one way or another. Now I have doctors telling me I am “Getting better and should be happy and embrace life.” There was none happier than me before all this. Now I am terrified.

I’ve tried to include most things but it is such a long and complicated story.

After seeing Jesus, being in the car thinking “you are hanniel you are meant to heal the sick and cast out demons”…

Breaking my neck, feeling hands twisting and squeezing…

The man in black pacing and the mask at my window…

Zechariah being open on my bedside when I woke up…

The chapel in hospital crying out to God to protect me and the last page of Revelations being open where it says “If anyone takes anything away from this book”…

The night of terror with everyone shaking— all the alarms went off— the demon put thoughts in my head— it is the end of the world— it is the last day. I walked past one of the women and she was nodding in affirmation. I went into the main area and every patient was sitting upright with eyes closed, shaking back and forth. I ran to my room and hid under the covers.

In fact I’d seen several of those people before in my dreams as a child. I felt they all knew I could see that Jesus and I were ‘in on it’ a lot of the time. This was because of their facial expressions, things they said and the way they said it.

There was a feeling of pure evil all around from the very first day at the hospital. I couldn’t even sleep. It was as if a pulsing feeling of energy was coming into my room.

I had the feeling that people knew I’d seen God or [that I] was the Antichrist. There were comments from demoniacs such as “Favorite color red, eh?” Or there were comments on my personal life. The first day, there was a purple gown and red coat— it felt evil— like the Antichrist wore the gown and was out for a cigarette. He took the gown off and one of the patients said “Oh at least she feels guilty.” In the bible the Antichrist has a purple gown.

The conversations with demoniacs, so many of them, 24/7 mainly stayed in my room.

I have the feeling of demons inside me:

Hearing the devils voice…

Fear of death— before I went into the hospital, I feared that I’d shut my eyes and be in hell…

The demonic possession and red coat/purple gown incident…

In the hospital, feeling that the people were waiting for my soul and that they all knew…

The Muslim child sticking her Tongue out after Jesus left…

The nosebleed and dreams ‘only’ of talking to the devil…

Fears my family would get hurt if they came to visit me— visions of them getting shot when they left because of the world being Islamic…

Visions of hell…

How I’d been living my life…

The demon possession in the caravan…

My getting up and smoking a whole pouch of tobacco with no memory of it…

Finding my loving cat scared of me…

My cross tangled beyond repair…

Things broken messy and dirty…

Foaming at the mouth…

Having no memory of time or what happened in those few days…

The priest telling me to read John’s Gospel and my wanting him to leave…

Baz and how hard he tried all year to reach me…

My wish to be with him but something stopping me…

The ambulance turning up was cartoon like and false…

I was angry with my family for not listening to me…

Thinking repeatedly of God’s face and how grief-stricken he looked at the hospital that day…

Thinking of Jesus, leaning forward, pleading— loving— a happy face— beckoning…

And that voice saying “I want to throw her into the pit!”

Staring defiantly feeling healing…

That night I was now sure that I was definitely doomed to hell.

Notes at the bottom, it’s just so long and complicated. I have committed the unforgivable sin and I’m scared of the future. It looks very bleak.

FATHER JOE: I capitalized references to God. Say your prayers. Trust the Lord. Live a moral life. Take your medicine. Much is not as it seems. You are plagued with delusions, psychological and maybe also spiritual. Your mind is playing tricks and there is much deception. I will keep you in prayer.
Paul, on November 28, 2013 at 2:26 pm said:

Dear Mary,
Sometimes we try to use logic and reason to understand something that transcends both and is just so very difficult to not only understand but simply just to accept.
We probably all know the classic “five stages of dealing with loss” and I would suggest that there is most certainly some terrible loss going on here and that you are, perhaps unknowingly, going through these stages as it is.

I believe that I have suffered something very similar to you where I tried to reason and to change and to bargain and to deny right at the beginning of what was, fundamentally, a terrible rejection and abandonment and one, because of my Catholic Education and upbringing, made it doubly difficult to accept.

I very gradually learned that it is just not possible to change that other person when they have their mind and heart set on another no matter who ever that ‘other’ might be.

And I learned that I can not become another person and thus conform to the designs and expectations of my spouse’s demands.

And so the unacceptable yet inevitable actually does happen and it’s truly awful and all the vows and promises become invalid and good and righteous people avoid us and yet others still give unsound advice and even God seems to have abandoned us. That’s probably more to do with the ‘depression’ phase of this loss business because I do have it on good authority that God never does abandon us – it only feels like He does (cf Jesus’ despair on the Cross in those last moments of His life).

Oh yes! and the anger swells up too. I still suffer from that, anger at The Church and anger at God and most often that only exacerbates the problem and that causes further rejection by those who are supposed to care………… but gradually, very gradually, we do get to the point of acceptance. We can never understand The Mind of God nor just how that fits in with His gift to us of the freedom of choice, but I do know that, in the grand scheme of things, even if we fail to honour and live up to the exacting Laws of The Holy Church, God will still love us and accept us – and I risk being called a heretic here, but I base this on the recorded actions and words of Jesus when He met the Woman at the well – you remember the one who had had 5 ‘husbands’ and He offered her “The Living Water”

And, of course, He went out of His way to justify Mary of Magdella and we all know that it would have been impossible to simply “un-do” her history.

In any situation like this I have found that I really am powerless over the actions and emotions of others, that, even when it all seems to go against what I want and how I think it ‘ought’ to be and how it ‘should’ be as far as God is concerned, I simply just have to let go and even let go of the struggle to understand and find ‘the answer’. In matters like this there simply is no understanding and there is no reason and there is no logic and it may well appear to be against The Law of The Church and thus against God’s Law, and perhaps it is just that; however that will not stop it happening however painful and illegal it might be.

And in the end all will be OK

And God will still love us

And He knows only too well just how painful that rejection and that isolation can be – so we can share it all with Him.

Best wishes,
Paul