Ask a Priest

5,442 Responses

Shannon, on October 11, 2021 at 9:37 pm said:

Hello Father,

I have been struggling with scrupulosity in my spiritual life, especially about whether or not ballet, which is a passion of mine since I was a little girl, is a sinful activity to participate in. I have only ever found joy and life from this and it truly helps me to connect to God and praise Him. I have read quotes from various saints like St. John Vianney and St. Charles Borromeo who condemned dancing and it just makes me so sad. Dancing is something I love to do and is a huge part of how I express my soul, similar to how a musician sings.

FATHER JOE: The Church does not condemn dancing, only that which is lewd and demeaning to persons.
anonymous, on October 11, 2021 at 12:21 am said:

Father Joe,

I am struggling with giving forgiveness for a heinous crime that was committed against me. It’s not your normal everyday issue. No doubt I have anger, but I also want justice, which won’t happen, at least in this life. I don’t wish hell on this person, but accountability would be a good start. The anger and hurt has lessened over the years but I don’t think it will ever truly be gone. Part of my concern is a little selfish; I can’t receive forgiveness without giving it. It is easy to say I forgive but in my heart I am still angry. I want to forgive. If I can’t forgive this sin/crime how can I be forgiven for my sins? Wanting justice and being able to offer forgiveness don’t seem to go hand in hand. The Bible verse below seems almost impossible in this type of situation: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14–15). How can I truly forgive someone when I want them held accountable and face their crimes?

Thank you

FATHER JOE:

It may be that you misunderstand forgiveness. Even the mercy of Christ, which is his gift to us, requires the right disposition if it is to avail in our lives. You imply that the person who hurt you never exhibited repentance, an apology or any form of restitution. Pardon walks hand-in-hand with justice. Both the person who grants forgiveness and the one who receives it are changed by the act. This does not mean that the gift of mercy is deserved— only that it is expected of one who imitates Christ. A friend of mine is a grandmother whose grandson was the shining light of her heart. He was a good young man, hard-working and preparing for college. He innocently picked up a girl he knew so as to give her a ride home. Her boyfriend found out and shot him dead through the car window. The dear woman asked, “Father, how do I forgive such a terrible act? I just do not feel I have it in me.” My response to her is what I would share with you. Just the effort of trying to forgive such a person a little bit each day is itself virtuous. Forgiveness does not make a wrong into a right. On the level of chemistry, you may never “like” or want to be a “friend” to someone who has hurt you. Mercy means that you would not wish that person damned; rather, you would hope that he or she might know the mercy of God and find heaven. That is why the ultimate violation of the verses you quote is to damn someone. You say yourself that you would not wish hell upon anyone. Can you pray that this person might know sorrow for sin and divine mercy and life?

You are silent about what was done. If it were something truly criminal then I would urge you to notify the proper authorities. Forgiving someone in this world does not mean they have a “Get out of Jail FREE Card.”
scubalaw, on October 10, 2021 at 1:33 am said:

How do I know God has forgiven me for a sin? I’m remorseful and I have asked God for his forgiveness and grace. My problem is I cannot forget about it like I’m supposed to do. Isn’t it good that I remember my transgressions so I don’t repeat them? But then aren’t I sinning by just remembering my past sins? Can I not accept God forgiveness but still feel sorrow? I’m confused. Please help me.

FATHER JOE: Catholics who are contrite are assured of divine mercy through the absolution of a priest in confession. But a state of grace must be sustained beyond the sacrament. We live in the “sure and certain” hope of our ultimate salvation. Who told you that you need amnesia about past transgressions to be forgiven? When I say you need to forget, what I mean is to put the past behind you. Once something is forgiven, we should not berate ourselves as if we were still guilty. We need to trust that Christ has the power to forgive sins and that he has extended that authority to his ministers. Otherwise, you would be impugning divine sovereignty. There is no sin in remembrance, only in failing to accept God’s mercy and to be changed by his grace. I suspect you struggle with the weakness of scrupulosity.
breydonfelix14, on October 7, 2021 at 8:45 am said:

Hi Father, I’m 19 and I haven’t done much research, but I’ve been curious for a while— is it a sin to masturbate?

FATHER JOE:

The sexual powers are rightfully directed to marriage and the propagation of the species. Any misdirection or corruption in this orientation is regarded as sinful. Given that God has made humanity as bodies animated by souls, sins against the body are serious. The matter for sexual transgressions is mortal although mitigating factors like immaturity, coercion, addiction, etc. can reduce certain sins of this sort to venial. The various sins of onanism are ordinarily classified as narcissistic and selfish. They frequently include or are connected to other sins like the involvement with pornography, which is a virtual or voyeuristic exploitation of persons, even adultery of the heart. When money is exchanged for erotic images, photos or videos, then the wrong includes a type of pornography.

Both the person being used or reduced as a commodity as well as the one who exploits are victims. Any who would so take advantage of others are coarsened or have their hearts and minds hardened to others. They are desensitized to the inherent dignity and rights of persons. Those who are in provocative or erotic images are all someone’s daughter or son, husband or wife. How would you like anonymous men lusting over pictures of your mother, daughter or wife? We should all be offended by it.
John, on October 6, 2021 at 10:48 pm said:

Hi Father,
I was wondering whether it is a sin to play Phasmophobia. You may (likely) be unfamiliar with the (computer) game in which case I will explain. You and your friends are ghost investigators. You go to haunted places, such as an asylum, identify the type ghost (and who they were I think), and leave. It’s a horror game, but in the scary sense, not the torture porn sense that some games are. You are armed with a flashlight, ouja board which you can use to ask the ghost questions, a thermometer, and other gear you can unlock and upgrade. I believe you can use a crucifix too, but am not sure. The ghosts are not friendly, and will kill or mess with the players, hence where the horror comes in. A scary incident I can name is where a group of four was playing, found a clue, and the car alarm went off (your HQ is a car). 2 left two stayed, lights went off and one of the ones that stayed was dead (you can die). The same thing happened again, one stayed (the person telling the story) and two left to turn off the alarm, his thermometer spiked, flashlight flickered, and he saw the silhouette of a ghost and then he was dead. The ghosts will chase you sometimes. There are different types of ghosts, including a demon. I don’t think the demon has anything to do with demons from Hell or anysort, it’s just a type of ghost that is also the most aggressive.
Thank you

FATHER JOE: And you enjoy this? I really do not know enough about it to answer.
Jesica Veliz, on October 6, 2021 at 8:30 pm said:

Is it a bad a idea to rent a house across the street from a cemetery? Would there be more of a chance that spirits can wonder off into the house being so close to it?

FATHER JOE: We should not be superstitious. A Christian living next to a cemetery has a wonderful opportunity to pray daily for souls.
anonymous, on October 5, 2021 at 12:20 am said:

Hi Fr. Joe,
As fairly new divorced person, the reading this past weekend were a bit tough for me to digest. I’ve finished my annulment petition but haven’t turned it in yet. Even though I’m divorce and living on my own, I continue to live my life reflecting that in God’s eyes, I am still married. Besides, I’m enjoying the peace of this time, trying to heal from a 23 year abusive marriage.

I did love my husband very much. I had hoped and prayed for a holy, loving, and life-giving marriage. I imagined growing old with him. It started out ok but things went bad very quickly. There was infidelity on his part in addition to being a narcissist. It was only at the end of my marriage that I found out that he was having “affairs” with other men, and that he hid same sex relationships from me that happened before we were married. (Which is the grounds for the annulment). So, yes. There was a lot of pain I’ve had to overcome from all of this. The blessing that did come of it is that I have 3 wonderful and amazing kids, all in college now, that are happy, healthy, and well adjusted. (despite, witnessing a lot of tough things growing up). Truly, I love them with all my heart, and I am a blessed mom.

My question is, what exactly does an annulment say about a marriage? Does it basically say that our marriage was not ever valid from the beginning? Does it mean that we were never “one flesh”. Does it mean that God never “joined” us as husband and wife? I’m having trouble with the line, “What God has joined, let no man try to separate”. While this may be true, it makes me sad to think that this is the case. I never imagined that I’d end up in such a mess.

Thank you, Fr. Joe.

FATHER JOE:

No one has a right to abuse another and love should never be an excuse to allow it to continue. I am so sorry for your long ordeal. Abuse, infidelity, selfish narcissism, deception and clandestine homosexuality would all be crucial elements in an annulment case, particularly as they plagued all the years you had together.

Formal annulments are pursued in marriages that were regarded as licit but for some pending reason were invalid. The spouses are the ultimate ministers of the sacrament and it is essential that they understand the true meaning of matrimony, are honest and are capable of living out the demands of marriage. A declaration of nullity does indeed assert that a bond was not valid from the very start. As for “one flesh” it depends upon the definition given to the expression. It might refer to a true sacramental or singular natural union. Some like C.S. Lewis seemed to think that it referred to any time a man and woman had intercourse— and in truth it does seem that some experience a spiritual and emotional fracturing or tearing apart when the body is given away casually. Bodies and sex should not be reduced to recreation; sexual intercourse signifies a bonding with another person. I remember one woman who had been with several men. What she described feeling was being “torn to pieces” and she was very unhappy. What had happened was that each act was crying out for a completion or perfect union that could not be realized.

The legal element of marriage rests with the laws of the Church. The sacramental element remains with the spouses and the Lord. If two people validly and sacramentally marry each other without impediments then that marriage cannot be dissolved by courts or even by popes. It is a permanent bond until the death of one of the spouses. I have been involved with annulments that failed because no grounds could be discovered. Note that in the story or essay for annulment cases, there is a particular interest in the psychology of the couple, the courtship and the early days of the attempted marriage.
John, on October 3, 2021 at 5:38 pm said:

Hi Father,
I was wondering about your thoughts on Halloween and the Santa Claus, Rudolph, etc. side of Christmas.

FATHER JOE: Lots of fun. But the fantasy stuff is not real.
Dennis, on October 3, 2021 at 5:20 pm said:

Hello Father, I have read that a mortal sin can be lessened/mitigated to venial if someone is under great stress, “the promptings of feelings and passions can also diminish the voluntary and free character of the offense, as can external pressures or pathological disorders.”

Let’s say someone a teenage child is under great fear from an abusive parent and so lies to them initially or someone gives into sexual sin under stress/anxiety, would these be examples where a mortal sin be lessened to venial? The intention is to avoid sin but under mental stress.

FATHER JOE: Yes, that is what the universal catechism says. Coercive abuse would constitute mitigating manipulation.
Theresa, on October 3, 2021 at 4:51 pm said:

I was married in church to a man for sixteen years. I had three older children then we had five more. I found out that he had affair with my oldest son’s wife. We divorced. My children were so horrified that they no longer speak to their father nor will they return to faith since he was the St. Joseph to them in their upbringing. I home-schooled them and did my best to bring them up in faith. They are supportive of their older brother who was young and devastated by this. I am so sad for this, for their salvation as well as my own. Please help me help them.

FATHER JOE: His infidelity to you was a violation of trust that wounded the whole family. What your children should appreciate is that their father was nothing like St. Joseph. Their father was deceptive and thus a liar. He took another’s wife and so he was also a thief. Of course, your son’s wife was also guilty and shares the blame for the harm to your family. The Church stands for fidelity, truthfulness and nurturing— the very elements that their lust sought to destroy. Abandoning the faith means that damage accomplished by this betrayal is literally given prominence over the values of the Church. St. Joseph was a chaste and faithful spouse, the protector of the Holy Family. We as Christians should not surrender our faith in the face of evil. The devil delights when he wins. As Christians, you and your children need to stay close to the Lord. Each of you needs to commit him- or herself to being a better person than your husband and their father. He will face God’s judgment for what he did. Having said this, our going to the cross with Jesus means some level of forgiveness and praying for him. What he did was not right and it cannot be made right. It cannot be taken back or undone. All we can do is not to allow it to destroy or corrupt us. Hate does not allow one to heal. I would urge a return to the sacraments. I will keep you all in prayer.
Marina, on October 3, 2021 at 2:44 am said:

Hello,

I have a concern that’s been bugging me for a little while and I don’t exactly know how to approach it. My mother-in-law’s husband passed away about six and a half years ago. She is Catholic, and recently met and has been dating another Catholic man. They recently went on a trip together for a week and stayed in the same suite together. My husband and I are planning a trip with her in about seven weeks and I believe she will want to bring her boyfriend and I know that they will stay in the same bedroom/bed together if they both do come with us. Is this wrong of me to be concerned about them staying together or should this be of no concern to me? My husband and I did live together prior to our marriage but, to be completely honest, we weren’t nearly as devout at that time and didn’t take unmarried cohabitation very seriously at the time but we have since been growing stronger in our faith and now I do realize that it is wrong and should not be condoned. I brought this up to my husband and he says that it’s not our place to say anything since she’s his mother and I get that, but I also feel like I’m condoning that behavior if we stay with them. Would you please be able to offer any advice regarding whether this should even be a concern of mine and, if so, how it should be approached in the most charitable and loving way? Thank you so very much in advance for any advice you may be able to offer.

Sincerely,
Marina

FATHER JOE: Left unsaid is whether there is any anticipation of a second marriage or if her boyfriend has a previous bond or not. If you have younger children then I would be more concerned because of the bad witness. If it is just you and your husband, then I am not really sure what you can do. They are certainly adults and know their own business. I would suggest being polite and compassionate. It is likely that they are two older people who really enjoy being in each other’s company. What sin they may commit behind closed doors is really between them, God and possibly a confessor. You and your husband would likely be challenged by your own past if you say anything. I guess I would urge a personal witness with your husband of the genuine value to be found in marital love. You may find a quiet moment together on your trip to speak to her “woman to woman” about where she thinks the relationship is going. I doubt there is much to gain by being judgmental. While you cannot condone what is wrong, you can certainly show her “personal” support and love as your mother-in-law. Let her know that you care about her and are keeping her and her happiness in your prayers. Peace!
Ana, on October 2, 2021 at 9:55 pm said:

Hello,
During confession if I say I’ve committed impure acts do I have to specify exactly what I did or do I just say I’ve committed impure acts?
Thank you

FATHER JOE: While a confessor might need to know whether a sin was committed alone or with others, as well as its general number, there is likely no need for extra details. The priest has no prurient interest for all the details.
Jerrin, on October 2, 2021 at 6:33 pm said:

It might seem stupid but please don’t ignore it.

Hi, I am 20 years old and for past five-six months I have just one desire that keeps coming to my mind. It goes like this: Make a lot of money so that you can have a lot of kids, and if you give them a Christian upbringing, it will create more souls in heaven.

Also let me speak my heart out. When I look at Muslims, I see they have a lot of kids and when they become majority; they seem to dominate the country. It’s the same pattern everywhere: Lebanon, Egypt, middle east etc. and soon England will meet the same fate. I don’t know whether I am Islamophobic but I hate Christian countries turning into Islamic. Also, for past 500 years, Christianity was the most populous religion and I don’t want that it should lose to Islam! I know being Christian is not the same as being Catholic and there is no trophy for being number 1 but I feel a sense 0f pride in belonging to the largest religion.

So that’s why I want to be rich so that I can have many kids. Every day, I just think of doing something that will give me a lot of wealth at a young age.
Since childhood I wanted to do some government job and help poor people and serve others (and just earn a little). Therefore, I studied law but now I am so confused. In about a year’s time I would have to decide about my career and I need to fundamentally change the path I planned because government jobs in my country won’t pay you to have 5 or 6 kids.

So I wanted some guidance what should I do about these thoughts? Are these coming from devil? Is not letting Islam dominate a justified reason for having kids? Does the fact that there will be more members in heaven a reason for having kids? Are all these coming from God?
Thank you.

FATHER JOE:

My response to your question is to ask a question. Who is it with whom you will be having these children? Children are not commodities for purchase. A man and woman come together with a mutual love and a desire to have a family. That is where it begins. Together they work and sacrifice to make a home. Parents are the primary catechists for their children. You are obliged to do what you can for them. However, that is no guarantee that they will remain faithful. You do what you can and leave the rest to God.

What the Moslems do is their business and we should treat them with respect. Today is the memorial of St. Francis and this was precisely his posture in love and peace that opened up the Holy Land to pilgrims.
Mary, on September 29, 2021 at 10:22 am said:

Father Joe
I will be married soon in a Protestant church even if I am Catholic.
I read a little bit about the radical sanation that could be given in cases where the non-Catholic have issues like in my case, he doesn’t want to ask for annulment, is that an option so I can then return to Church and of course The Eucharist without a problem.

FATHER JOE: If there is a prior bond for which an annulment is required, no radical sanation can be offered. All the typical conditions for marriage still apply. Marriage to anyone regarded as having another spouse (we do not acknowledge divorce) would place you in an irregular union.
Ben, on September 27, 2021 at 10:24 pm said:

Thank you Fr. Joe for answering my question. I appreciate your help.
Kennerh, on September 27, 2021 at 5:19 am said:

Why would I have to go to confession if the lord can hear my prayers. If I’m really sorry wouldn’t he already forgive me?

FATHER JOE: This assumption suffers from the radical individualism of Protestantism where there is a disregard for the communitarian element of faith. God called the Jews and gave them prophets, patriarchs and priests. Jesus Christ instituted the Church and gave his apostles the ministry of reconciliation. We come to the Lord as a family in faith. No one comes alone. The absolution of the priest gives grace and absolves us as a member of Christ’s body, the Church. Unlike the Anglicans, this is no mere affirmation of the mercy of the Cross. The ordained priest perpetuates the ministry of Jesus and has the power to forgive sins. Our involvement in the Church and the divine mysteries is crucial to our salvation. God calls you within the context of a new People of God, the Catholic Church. This intimacy is crucial and why we teach that there is no salvation apart from Christ or outside his Church. It is also why the Church is duty-bound to intercede and pray for everyone, even those who are not fully one with us.
willomarvin, on September 27, 2021 at 1:09 am said:

Help! My wife and I have had a good sex life for 50+ years but now I am impotent after a prostatectomy. Is there any way to have sex again and not be sinful?

FATHER JOE: You need to speak further with your doctor. While there can be the intimacy of touch and proximity, the marital act is what it is. But for the Christian, sin is never a real option. You may have to take up your cross and follow Jesus.
Elifestylegirl, on September 26, 2021 at 10:58 am said:

What is your opinion on “thoughts create reality”

FATHER JOE: What does that mean? The intentional cannot immediately create the real. We must believe in an objective reality that is not dependent upon our subjective awareness.
Ab Road, on September 24, 2021 at 6:32 pm said:

A question.
Well really 3, I guess.
Is Martin David Holley still a priest? In general, if an ordained person is fired/demoted do they still remain ordained? Is there a formal ‘defrocking’ process, for lack of a better term?

FATHER JOE: He is still a bishop in good standing.
Ron, on September 23, 2021 at 10:17 pm said:

I am 76 yrs old , my wife is 77! Because of an operation , I can no longer have an erection or RJ’s Tulare but can get pleasure out of touching my private parts, my wife is not interested in doing so , is it a sin for me to do so, if I pretend she is doing it ? Thanks

FATHER JOE: Self-gratification is a sin.
Agurd, on September 23, 2021 at 12:17 pm said:

Hi my names Agurd, recently over the past couple of years I have been doubting my faith I was doubting whether god is real or is he just another mythical creature. I’ve realised that my questioning of my beliefs were influenced by other people and there influence, I’ve realised I should do my own research and take my own steps into christianity. My first Question into Christianity discovery is. Do people believe in god because they actually believe in him, himself or how he can benefit them or how they won’t go to hell not truely because they support him…?

FATHER JOE: People believe for many reasons. Most receive the faith as children. Many of us have a sustained faith based on a sustained relationship with Jesus Christ. We experience God as real.
Ben, on September 22, 2021 at 10:36 pm said:

Hi Fr. Joe,
I am writing with a question about monthly prayer magazines and religious magazines. The prayer magazines have the full daily Bible readings and abbreviated prayers from the Divine Office or Liturgy of the Hours. The religious magazines have pictures of icons, Bible quotes, and some writings of the Saints. I have collected quite a number of these. Is it acceptable to put these in the garage? Thank you for your help and time.

FATHER JOE: They are not blessed. You can store them any way you please.
Maria Rios Vazquez, on September 22, 2021 at 4:18 am said:

Hello father is taking cbd oil a sin .

FATHER JOE: It may not be a sin but you should likely consult your doctor.
Soledad, on September 22, 2021 at 2:26 am said:

Hi Father,

What sacrifices can be offered for the holy souls in purgatory? Can I offer my physical pains such as my sciatica pain for a deceased loved one?

Thank you.

FATHER JOE: Yes.
John, on September 21, 2021 at 10:11 pm said:

Hello, Father
I have two questions. My first is if it would be a sin to watch a movie/TV series if it uses the Lord’s name in vain or uses cusses. My second question is if watching a TV series with sex scenes in it would be a sin. There’s about 4 or 5 in the first season, with two being “nude” scenes in the firsts season (it was standing up with either from the waist up and from the back of the character and from the side from the neck up). I’m sure the actors aren’t actually nude because it would be very easy for the studio to do that judging from the specific angles. These are about 15 seconds or less. The other scenes the actors are fully clothed but on top of each other or pressed against a wall. One is less than 15 seconds, another is a minute. These scenes are the criminals drugging/poisoning their victims (which is why one is so long). The season was 20-24 episodes, so the sex scenes are side things. There aren’t any kissing scenes really outside of these if memory serves, because show is an FBI show, not a love show or anything like that.
Thank you

FATHER JOE: It is likely that the many moral factors must be weighed as to whether a Christian should watch whatever show you are concerned about. I would counsel against watching soft-pornography of any kind. The issue sounds far more serious than a few bad words. Simulation of intercourse is gravely immoral.