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NEW MESSAGES/HOMILIES CHRISTIAN REFLECTIONS DEFENDING THE FAITH
Blogger Priest 
Dear Father Joe,
Thank you so much for patiently answering my questions.
About my friend who converted to another religion:
When she tells me anti-Catholic things, I would simply tell her:
“okay, I will ask our parish priest about that issue, and I will get back to you.”
It is my polite way of telling my friend that I don’t trust what her pastor is teaching, that I would only listen to a Catholic priest, and she always gets it. She would just keep quiet.
I would also take your advice on how to respond.
I also told her that now the real issue is authority. Who has authority to interpret and explain the bible? For her, it’s their chief pastor. And for me, it’s the Catholic Church.
My friend still believes in faith and good works. Her new found religion rejects faith alone and OSAS. They are not Born Again or the so-called Bible Christians. Aside from being anti-Catholic, they are also anti-Protestant.
She never mentions personal relationship with the Lord. She always emphasizes God’s mercy, that she is hoping for God’s mercy.
We agreed to pray for each other and ask God for grace and divine mercy.
I sense that she is now limiting the time spent with me. After a few minutes of talking to me, she would say goodbye. I am hurt and tempted to do the same.
I am well-Catechized but I am reluctant to engage in a dialogue. Our other friends are telling me:
“Just tell her that you are happy she found Jesus. No need to debate or argue. Tell her that you two will remain good friends. That’s it. If God wants her to come back to our Catholic faith, it will happen. However, it will not be through your help. Look at her. Every Saturday, she would print out sermons of their chief pastor and distribute it in public places. According to her, nobody asked her to do that. It’s her initiative so she could help save souls. You know … she would not do that or act like that if her new religion did not have a strong impact on her.”
I just have to agree with what they told me. And I am not sure if I am willing to talk to her “churchmates.” She wants me to listen to their chief pastor which I find stressful and “going nowhere” since I don’t have intentions of converting to their religion.
Our common friends also told me that it’s a TRAP. That she is not really open to coming back to the Catholic Church.
She always tells us,
“a true friend will do everything to make her/his friend become a child of God”
which is weird. It’s as if she’s telling us that we are not children of God.
I will take your advice to give her a book. Though I doubt that she would read it because they are not allowed to touch Catholic reading materials and they are instructed to listen ONLY to their Church’s pastors. In our country their group is considered a cult.
Her entire family remains Catholic. One time I asked her:
“What about your family? Aren’t they children of God?”
she said,
“I am praying hard that God would have mercy on them and let them know the truth. God is merciful. I really hope.”
I sent her links to Catholic apologetics.
She said,
“Thank you for sending me those links. It shows that you are indeed my true friend. You are concern about my soul. However, the content of those links only proved the wrong Catholic beliefs that I also used to believe. I am also concern about your soul. I hope that you will also read the links that I am sending you. I pray for God’s mercy.”
She sent me a link to their religion which I didn’t read. I suspect she didn’t read the links I sent her.
Thank you so much for your inputs, Father Joe.
Peace!
I come from Muslim background but I don’t practice it.
But I do believe in all religions and I’m faithful to God.
But one day I was 21 and lost didn’t know what to do with my life. I was in a horrible place. I ended up booking a ticket in2011 and applying to graduate school in New York. That is when, the night before departure, I saw Jesus in my dream holding my hand and grabbing it so hard, guiding me to a road in the middle of crowded hallway. Then I saw a beautiful painting hanging on the wall of the Last Supper. Then I woke up. I went to New York and just moved back in January 2013. I really was tired and exhausted from being away from Lebanon and my mom here. But in the middle of the decisions I had to make and work pressure and the struggle I encountered in USA. I stopped seeing Jesus. I don’t know why. Does it mean I lost the way?
I returned back to Lebanon to pursue my dreams in Beirut, in a city where I dreamed of living in since college days. But it was always difficult because of its political conflicts and lack of employment chances. Now I have been back 9 months, but it has been DIFFICULT.
I lost so many friends – people changed around me- no one is the same anymore- jobs are hard to get – I came here to shoot a film and continue my second higher degree – that’s what I’m doing now. I’m a filmmaker and writer. I am doing them but I keep seeing hard days. I’m just exhausted. Am I being punished?
Father I understand that Jesus loved all his apostles equally, but why did he love St John specially? Because in the bible reference was made to “the disciple whom Jesus loved” most of the time. What was it about St John that Jesus loved? Can you explain it for me? Thanks.
P.S.- I apologize, I used “disoriented” in the previous post and “disordered” in this one. To me they are the same in this context because the whole point of sexual powers is to be oriented/ordered toward one thing: a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church.
Also, I understood Carter’s use of “adultery in the heart” to mirror Christ’s usage in the Sermon on the Mount where one, by translation, “makes an adulteress” out of another woman.
My understanding of TOB is that Pope Saint John Paul II went beyond this and said one can do this with his actual wife. The key here being that by the law, he could not make her an adulteress, but in his heart he could do just the same to her by reducing her and offering her less than the vows that reflect Christ’s love.
The idea always is that the fulfillment of the sexual law is in the true free, total, faithful, and fruitful expression of the vows (=free, without reservation, forever, open to children). Law is mere ideology if it not fulfilled to reflect divine love.
I apologize if I have the context of former President Carter’s incorrect- I do not trust my memory of such history!
Dear Fr. Joe,
I think of pedophilia, etc., as disordered because they do not follow God’s will- all because of the bigger picture of not reflecting God’s love which is a free, total, faithful, and fruitful gift. Pornography is full of heterosexual desire, and it is inherently disordered for the same reasons. Adultery can likewise be heterosexual, but it is also not ordered toward God’s will for our sexual powers, therefore I used the term dis-ordered.
TOB is not novel in the sense that it gave us new law. It is novel in the sense that it gave the deeper subjective lens through which to view the law. It gives the “why” behind the “what.”
Marriage research of infidelity has uncovered issues that go below the surface. Specifically, a person who has difficulty with negotiating for their needs in a relationship and tends to be conflict-avoidant will be unhappy/depressed/rejected and hold their spouse responsible for a situation that is complicated and deep. I am certain people do not lie when they site the spouse as the reason for their actions- they just cannot see any deeper and our inclination is to blame. My counselor friends say that in cases of infidelity it takes a massive amount of work to get someone to the point of seeing the deeper reasons why it happened. The work then is to gain the skills in intimacy needed.
If someone feels anger and provocation from a spouse and hits them, we don’t really look at the spouse as the problem. We see a person with deeper relational and self-mastery issues. I suggest the same with infidelity.
The horrendous situation of the wife manipulating sex for needs is really a reflection of the same reality. Here you have someone who desires a gift of her spouse, but cannot get it but through grabbing. I am confused as to why one would see lack of sex as “leading to” adultery, but not see a husband’s neglect or relational laziness as “leading to” withholding. They are both obviously wrong, but I suggest the root is the same. Don’t be too impressed by her bragging- hurt underlies these things.
You commented:
“They might also reduce or deride the dignity of the spouse as a means to an ends, seeking sexual satisfaction but not really true “fides” and union.”
This is really to what I referred in my first post. Practically speaking, the problem in marriage occurs when there is inconsistency between the level of “gift” in their daily lives and “gift” of the person in the marriage bed. If I am selfish and self-seeking all of the other hours of the day and come to the marriage bed to “claim my right,” there will be problems. Why? I believe your comment above brings clarity. There is not true “fides” and union.
I am suggesting that lust in the heart is when a spouse “expects sex” without being an honest gift first, for lust is use- taking without giving. Due to selfishness, this is an ebbing and flowing type of problem in marriage, and the goal is to be responsible to work things through so normalization can return to the marriage bed and otherwise. No withholding, no infidelity- for these are the immature, sinful responses to the struggles of marriage.
I hope the woman with past sexual abuse will continue that journey of healing to be full gift in the marriage bed, and that she has a spouse who believes in a loving his bride as Christ loves His…from the cross.
We agree to continence in NFP for sure, but we also agree in times that intercourse would feel like an emotional violation for that moment. The goal is always to return to the marriage bed, for we do, indeed, have that claim on one another…one we want the other to have on us.
Thank you!
Hm. I think I understand, Father. I think “duty” wasn’t so much the word I wanted to use in retrospect (maybe the word I wanted was more like “something demanded” than something expected? I’m not sure what word I wanted) but I did appreciate your response. It really shows how much I still have to learn about all this, though now I have a little less to learn; thanks.
I think that’s really terrible of those women to do that. I’ve grown up with that in my family, so it makes twisted sense how inappropriately close my father would try to get to me during those times my mother was distant, especially when she would sleep in the another bed. Because of that going on, I never really thought of just how much wrong my mother was doing to him. I think what those women did was no better from what I brought up about spouses who would force their wishes on the other. Of course, both of those are two opposite extremes of what it ought to be, huh?
Hi Father,
If I put on the headstone “Sacred Heart of Jesus have mercy on the soul of” I feel like I’m saying this person is a bad person and asking for forgiveness for them –
In a sense, I guess it does make self-giving difficult in every sense, but it definitely does compromise vows if one doesn’t get any help or healing for it. Some do refuse to get help, and that’s bad. To deal with it before marriage IS the ideal, it’s what I’m trying to do, but like I said, some would start getting repressed memories or feelings from their past in marriage. Also, I feel that when I asked if one could say “no” I wasn’t too clear that I meant just sometimes. I mean, couples abstain sometimes when they practice NFP, right? And I wouldn’t really know, but I have a hard time imagining that couples would come together when someone just died in the family or something similarly distressing. I hope I’m being more clear now; sometimes it brings up the trauma, and so sometimes one might be emotionally unable to do it, or just say “stop” if it’s an act that’s traumatic or if it starts to hurt. That’s what I meant.
The couples I referred to were in books I’ve read in healing from my abuse, from at least one Catholic youth minister on chastity whose wife was abused herself, advising husbands to keep things romantic, spend the energy elsewhere, etc. when his wife is having a tough time, and from one lady who had also had a history in abuse when I asked something similar (if we have a choice). I’ve spoken to some ladies who were also abused, all of them older than me, and they have shared some things like that when I came to them for advice one-on-one. I never thought of it being a breach in boundaries, though. Maybe I’ll be more careful what I ask from now on.
I really hope that wasn’t what I was sounding like, that I lean towards that bitter sort of feminism. I can see where they’re coming from, but that thinking is neither loving nor truthful, and therefore is of no interest to me. What I meant is whether it’s a duty or a gift. Love is supposed to be a gift, right? To make love is to give each other to your spouse, right? Hearing something like “Unless she’s ill, she is committing mortal sin to refuse her husband” makes it sound to me as a victim like the opposite, that there is no choice, no gift, no love. It sounds like what my abusers did, and it really saddens and frightens me. Thanks for letting me know that, though, about how the Church doesn’t condone rape, in or out of marriage, and is contrary to the marital act.
Sorry for being so unclear. This is a very emotional topic for me, and I’m having trouble finding the words. Through my mother and my experiences being sexually abused, I always understood “sex” as “rape”. I always felt afraid of how I looked, who I talk to, because for the longest time I believed wholeheartedly that it’s all my fault if anything would happen, or even that it DID happen. I’m working through that now, but that sort of stuff doesn’t go away so easily. That all said, this is very confusing for me, and I might be misunderstanding something. Does that make more sense now?
Dear Fr. Joe,
In continued appreciation for the obvious time and care you give to these answers for the sake of the faithful, I offer the following thoughts.
Extramarital affairs and self-pollution are the result of disoriented sexual desires and sin, not a lack of sex. This line of thinking has led our media and culture to blame the sexual sins of our Religious on celibacy. In the case of adultery, it can “blame the victim” and allow the sinner to justify a lack of self-mastery.
My understanding is that the Theology of the Body has brought the Church to a much fuller understanding of the sexual act. In this one enormous work, Pope Saint John Paul II doubled the information the Church has offered on the subject. The most significant contribution, perhaps, was bringing “the person” into the conversation. That is, sexual intimacy is not just about lawful obligation- it is a sign of God’s free, total, faithful, and fruitful love.
Pope Saint John Paul II specifically acknowledges that one can “commit adultery in the heart” with their own spouse, and that sexual desire can be disordered in marriage and lustful. There is no Church mandate to be sexually responsive to lust. That lust is defined in TOB as a lack of a free, total, faithful, and fruitful gift. A woman who knows she is simply an outlet for a husband’s urges knows she is a mere object of lust within her own marriage.
Going back to the Sermon on the Mount, our latest saint reminds us that the law is not there for the sake of following rules, but for fulfillment- that is, the experience of divine love.
Thank you for allowing me to share, and thank you for your vocation.
Father this is a wierd question that came up in my mind. Are dreams also controlled by God? Since God is in control of everything. If that’s the case why do we get nightmares, senseless dreams, dirty dreams?
FATHER JOE: God can use dreams but nightmares can also be the result of certain pizza toppings!
Father how do I understand and better appreciate God’s love for me? Sometimes when I try to contemplate on it, it seems strange to me how he would love me so much because when I try to think about God, I bring up the faces of some people who ve been nice to me in the past and imagine their love for me magnified a thousand times to come up with how much God loves me but its still not enough.
Hi Father,
I am a Catholic.
My friend converted to another denomination that is hardcore anti-Catholic.
This denomination is against infant baptism, papacy, prayer to Mary and the Saints, purgatory, limbo, etc.
She told me:
“If you take me as a true friend, you would be more eager to invite me back to the Catholic faith.”
The problem is she already knows everything about the Catholic Church’s teachings (as per her claim), and she said those teachings are exactly what she doesn’t agree with.
She said she studied the Catechism and proved that Catholicism is in grave error in most of her doctrines.
The way I see it, she already closed her heart and mind and there is nothing I can do or say to invite her back to the Catholic Church.
I am praying for her.
Father Joe, if you were in my position, what would you do?
For example, you were talking with my friend, and she dropped an anti-Marian statement, like Mama Mary is not a virgin.
Would you try to defend Our Lady, or would you keep quiet knowing that that person has already closed her mind and heart?
Do you agree it’s best to keep quiet and just pray?
maybe I don’t have to defend our Stella Maris because the Lion of Judah is always protecting her?
PS. this friend is a very dear friend so I need to be tender as much as possible. we’ve been friends since we were 13 yrs old. now we are 31 yrs old.
Pray for us.
God bless you.
Also Father in response to what you said about gregorian masses, I want to offer one for some people I know who have died but the problem is other people book masses for their intentions like you said. So should I go ahead and book the gregorian mass or should I forget about it?
Hello Father. Please help me and judge this case.
I noticed something about my older sister. I hope I’m not being judgmental over her, but my mum and older sister do things for her or make certain sacrifices that she can’t do for them in return.
I ve noticed it not once or twice. Sometimes my mum would ask, in fact literally beg for her to do something and she would kind of grumble and complain that she’s tired.
I’m not perfect, I have my flaws but it upsets me sometimes, to the extent I pointed it out to her that what she was doing wasn’t fair, that it was kind of selfish for her to act that way, and she got angry.
Did I judge her harshly, thereby committing a sin? What constitutes being judgmental and what doesn’t? Thanks.
1. Well, he is too protective even though I’m already 25. The issues are going out with friends, coming home late evening. I feel I am entitled to some amount of freedom. Sometimes he even begins to grumble about the TV shows I watch because he doesn’t get to watch his shows. I love my home and family but this is too annoying as the Bible says that no one should abandon their parents in their old age or give them cause for grief.
2. Yes father, it was a sexual relationship but I did not compromise on my virginity. It was just heavy petting. Am I wrong if I choose not to disclose this to my potential spouse? The guilt feeling is still inside of me.
Dear Father,
I noticed your conversation with JP about marital union. I will admit right now that I might be misunderstanding something, but I have a question: if a wife, or really, either spouse, had any abuse in his/her past, would it be okay to say no?
It brings up memories, at least for me, to just think about doing more than a friendly hug or handshake with a guy, much less think about being married and doing “that”. I’m working through it as a single girl, sure, but it’s not going to be all gone. Then there’re others who would get memories in marriage, or just not deal with them. I know really loving married couples who would stop, or take breaks from that if it triggers one of them.
Again, I might be misunderstanding something. My mother said things like I hadn’t a choice if I’m married, did things, and well, my experiences hasn’t taught me otherwise. Maybe, does that count as “illness”?
-Ana
PS: I read your bit about “hostile marriages”, and wanted to share if you didn’t know that some would rape their spouse, justifying the act by quoting that law. What is moral law shouldn’t be changed, and people have picked out words and phrases to justify evil for ages. However…the way it’s worded feels dangerous to me.
Thank you for your response about sexual intimacy and duty in marriage.
Everything makes sense, save a spouse having an obligation to engage in a sexual act without further pastoral consideration of the situation. My question does not involve using the promise of sexual relation in coercion or manipulation of any kind- that is the opposite of freedom. I simply speak of the fact that there are very hurtful marriages in general, and even very hurtful times in healthy marriages- it does not make sense that a person is obligated to have sexual relations in distress. It seems the obligation is for both parties to commit to the pursuit of restoration to allow for a humane and authentic renewal of vows.
Thank you.
Dear Fr. Joe,
He does seem on his way to a third marriage, but no plans to come into the Church. This third woman is a fallen-away Catholic as well.
I feel no judgment- there is, indeed, no understanding. I just have teenagers who are in need of truth and formation along with compassion. Both of our extended families live in confusion in dramatic ways, so we are continually trying to teach our children in truth and love.
One remaining question. Does that mean unless a Catholic is actually excommunicated that they are considered Catholic and no marriage is acknowledged outside of the Church?
Thank you.
I was raised Catholic but when my parents divorced we went to my mom’s Lutheran church.
I became friends on Facebook with a man who lives in another state. I am single. I thought he was, too. He wanted to do “online sex” no pictures or face-to-face chatting. The conversation was only text messages. He did send me a picture of his erect manhood. I did not send any pictures. We did the online sex chat. He says he married the woman because she got pregnant but they are miserable together. I do not think they are even in the same bedroom. Of course all this is what he is telling me and I have no proof if anything. I am now feeling ashamed and guilty. I believe I committed adultry with this man and I feel awful. He seems like a nice guy but people can be anything they want on the computer. I need to know where I stand in God’s eyes and what I should do for redemption. I have been apologizing to God. And not everyone agrees “online sex” truly is sex. I don’t think this guy thinks there is anything wrong with what we did. I think we did something majorly wrong.
Thank you for your time and help.
Thanks Father. Father what is your opinion on gregorian masses?
Dear Fr. Joe,
In a previous response you stated to a man having some marriage difficulties that:
“As for wanting sex, it is an expression of your marriage covenant. Unless she is ill, your wife commits a grievous sin to deny the marriage bed.”
Not wanting women to misinterpret this, could you please elaborate in the context of the sexual act only being a sign of the vows if it is free, total, faithful, and fruitful? That is, a free act of sexual intimacy could never happen (perhaps most of all for a woman) in the context of a hostile state of marriage. It would, to a woman, feel like an act of prostitution or slavery.
My 26 years of marriage and fidelity to Christ’s teaching has taught me that my obligation in this area is to do everything possible to move toward the state of harmony again where tender expressions of love are a free act. That is, I am called to work on my relationship in not holding grudges, punishing, remaining resentful, etc. But, rather, I must actively pursue resolution so all relations, especially sexual relations, can be normalized.
I do not believe that having sexual feelings are the main requirement for a woman to respond to her husband. A loving relationship will always tend to the gap in feelings. However, I cannot make sense of an act of sexual intimacy in a hostile marriage because of the violation to the freedom of the act and the dignity of the human person.
Thank you for anything you can offer.
Dear Fr. Joe,
My husband’s brother, a Protestant and baptized Christian, has been divorced twice (both women were baptized Christians- the first was a non-practicing Catholic). The weddings were in a Protestant church with an ordained minister.
I am not sure how to explain this to my children looking through the lens of our Catholic faith. I know the Church recognizes other Christian marriages, and all “good and natural” marriages even to the extent that an annulment is needed if anyone with such a marriage seeks remarriage in the Church.
But, does the Church say anything about divorces and remarriages that happen outside of the Catholic Church? Is it correct to say that my brother-in-law is still considered to be married to his first wife in our eyes?
Thank you!
I have 2 questions, Father:
1. How do I deal with my dad who restricts every little thing I do. We have so many fights. I feel I’m not doing right by arguing with him all the time since God has commanded us to honour our parents. But this has become nearly impossible for me since everything I do is a problem.
2. When I decide to get married to a man, is it correct to hide my past relationship from him especially if it was a physical relationship? Because this guilt remains with me till date even though I’ve gone to confessions and repented.
Thank you.
Father I struggle with scrupulousity a lot. I ve had this disease for as long as I can remember, and it doesn’t give me peace! I analyze everything I do just to ensure that I’m on the right path to the extent it tires me out. I really need your help! Thank you.
Hello Father, what does it mean to endure suffering patiently for God’s sake? Does it mean that when someone annoys you or when you re going through difficulties you should just bottle up your feelings and don’t show any emotion? It confuses me sometimes.