Friends have joked from time to time that I seem shy in public. What they mean is that I tend to look at the ground. I am not the only priest who does this. What they interpret as shyness is something more or quite deliberate. Many of us were taught or picked up from other priests what was commonly called a concern for the “custody of the eyes.” The proverb is quite true that “the eyes are the windows to the soul.” Men are both visual and tactile. We like to see and to touch. This starts with childhood. A little boy sees a cookie and his eyes open wide with delight and he immediately reaches for it, even if it is forbidden by his mother because it will spoil his supper. The man appreciates that there are sweeter delights than cookies and candy. The hormones kick in, we pass through puberty, and suddenly we are all eyes and maybe hands for the girls. Women might be drawn to the fact that a priest is one man who does not treat them as a sexual object. He is regarded as safe and as a spiritual man. This is as it should be. The priest wants to save souls, and in this he must regard men and women as the same. More than this, he must give every woman the same regard— young and old, smart and dull, fat or skinny, attractive or ugly, etc. He must look upon them with the eyes of Christ. Nevertheless, the priest is still a man.
I recall that one sensitive woman became hurt because the local priest seemed to have time and eyes for everyone but her. He would glance at her and look away when he talked. She complained that he did not like her. The woman was quite wrong. He liked her very much, too much. The priest thought she was intensely attractive. He looked away so that he might not look her over, up and down. Women can also become upset if they should notice or suspect that a priest (like other men) is devouring them with his eyes. Flattery for one is deep disappointment for another. The priest is concerned about such impressions. He is also worried about his own soul. That is one of the reasons why I (along with many other priests) avoid beaches and public pools. Scantily clothed women make the proper custody of the eyes almost impossible. These images linger in the mind and what enters the mind can quickly move to the imagination.
Priests face many hurdles, but by the grace of God we remain strong and resilient. Celibacy is but one area of challenge but it is a crucial one if we want to continue as shepherds of Christ’s flock. We are faithful, obedient and do our duty.
As a priest mindful of his duty, I am drawn to Robert Frost’s Poem, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.” A stanza reads:
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Blogger Priest 
Hello,
I recently moved to a new town and began to attend a Catholic Church. In the past, I had a conversation with the priest regarding the sermon. It was very casual and I thought nothing of it. Fast forward two years later, at the end of the mass, I was conversing to another member of the church and I could feel someone staring at me. It was the priest. I kind of picked up the vibe that he liked me.
I walked away shaking my head, and I said to myself, “no way, naww!” I continued to go to mass and during the mass, I waved my hair or ran my fingers through my hair and the priest began to nervously talk fast. I thought it was funny!
A couple of weeks ago, I decided to speak to him after the mass. I approached him and said, “Nice mass, I enjoyed the sermon.” The priest responded, “No, no, no, welcome, welcome!” Strange! Bewildered, I looked at him and told him to enjoy the rest of the day.
Approximately, two weeks ago, I went for my normal walk at a park and I see the priest with a colleague. Coincidence? I finished my walk and got in my car. As I was driving, I noticed the priest was in the car in front of me, and he was staring at me through the side rear view window. I couldn’t believe it. He was staring at the direction I was going.
Since then, I have seen him as I exit the church and he totally ignores me. I have made several attempts to make eye contact so we can speak but he totally ignores me.
I have now decided to go to another church. The whole thing is strange but I figure not to bother him. I do not want to be a distraction. Let him do his job and allow me to focus the reason I go to church – praise God!
I am sad because I have developed relationships with other women at the church and want to see them. It’s just best for now. The whole thing is strange. Further, I am going to walk at a different park!
I am close to a parish priest. He was nice in the beginning and gave me special attention. Over time the relationship intensified. He called me a “dreamy princess.” Two or three times he has pointed me out at Masses. He frequently makes eye contact and winks at me. Once he hugged me tightly and I hugged him back as well. He joked in the sacristy and made the pronouncement, “I like you.”
I have come to realize that I get jealous when he is with other women. I do not want to feel this way. The jealousy is making him anxious. Lately I feel he is ignoring me— being touchier with other women in front of me— and deliberately cold to me. I have never told him about my feelings, and I am not planning to say anything.
It also seems to me that many times he looks at my chest, even though I never show much skin. Once it seemed he was about to get angry at me. What is happening?
Let me be frank, as I suspected, the priest has an inordinate interest in me. He is following me. Not the other way around, although I understand your defensiveness for a fellow brother priest. He ended up approaching me and I will get to that, but first I apologize for not being detailed enough in my original post which provoked your incorrect judgement. I live off the beaten path and unless you know the roads and area, my house is very difficult to find. He drives up my road, turns around and passes again slowly, occasionally stopping, looking at my house. He repeats this as many as five times in a row. This happens multiple times a week. I walk and jog quite a bit and he seems to coincidentally and frequently be around my rural area, which is not near the church. He slows up his car and stares at me. While walking with a friend one day, he did this so obviously that my friend’s comment was “Wow, that guy is checking you out.” I didn’t say anything to her, as I didn’t want to speak negatively of the priest or bring attention to this. Yes, I do see him sitting in his car frequently at the beach, as I walk/jog regularly by the beach. Sure, he can drive wherever he likes and sit in his car at the beach. That information may be irrelevant, but according to his statements to me, I conclude differently. We’ll get to that in a moment. Furthermore, I park away from the busy church parking lot which takes me on a path away from the church and people, as I exit. On days he is not saying Mass, I find him lingering near my car. There is nothing else there and nobody parked near me. He has now positioned himself that I have to walk by him to get to my car. I just smile and say hello. He responds with a nearly inaudible, “Hi.” I didn’t see him for just over a month as I was traveling and when I returned, there he was, near the path I take. He approached me and asked me how I was doing and said he noticed my absence at church. I explained to him I was traveling for work. He was friendly and polite. I saw him a few days later on my walk near my house. He pulled over and was very friendly and smiling and talkative. Honestly I felt more relaxed and not as freaked out with this guy as I was. The following week, he was sitting in his car at the beach as I jogged by. He then pulled out and got up alongside me, beeped and waved and kept going . . . or so I thought. When I got to my street I slowed my jog to a walk and who pulls up alongside me? Yup, it is the priest. We had a friendly talk and he said he often sees me jogging and walking. We have been having friendly chats as he waits for me after Mass and even pulled over at my house as I was getting my mail one day. Fast forward, we have a nice friendship and he told me he experienced some losses this year which prompted him to “finally approach” me. He said he always wanted to talk to me and would wait for me to walk or jog past the beach hoping I would stop so he could get out and talk with me. It seems he doesn’t really have any friends and was seeking me out for friendship. I appreciate you reading all of this and I appreciate your kind feedback as well.
There was a young priest at my parish (around my age) who used to be very friendly towards me and always seemed happy to see me and interested in what I had to say. But then all of a sudden he started acting very standoffish and when I would talk to him he seemed distracted and like he couldn’t wait to get away from me, when he wasn’t avoiding me altogether. BUT, only some of the time. Even after his behavior shifted, there were still occasions when he would be friendly. At first I tried to pretend I didn’t notice and kept acting like nothing was wrong, but it eventually became so uncomfortable I couldn’t even bear to go to him for Communion, even though I don’t believe in extraordinary ministers. Before he was transferred I told him I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry if I upset you and I hope you can forgive me. He said it was all in my imagination. But since then I’ve seen him a few times and the way he treats me still varies. My friends think he had feelings for me, but I just find that so hard to believe because I can’t imagine a priest thinking like that, much less about ME. There are prettier women at the parish. It doesn’t hurt like it did when I had to see him regularly, but it still makes me sad when I think about it. It would make me feel better if I knew that that was what was going on, rather than just that he hates me, because I could sympathize with him if he was dealing with conflicting feelings. But I guess I can never know for sure.
My parish priest looks at me and looks away constantly. He stares at me from a distance, both outside church and inside church. He also slows down to look at me on my walk (he drives in my neighborhood a lot). He does all this but doesn’t even say hello. I dress modestly and respectfully by the way. He also parks at the beach in the summer to take in the sights, I guess. He references silly sexual movies in his homily. These movies often depict naked women or scantily clad women with men falling all over them. Can you explain this behavior?
This was very helpful. But I have recently told my priest that I love him. He inturn told me he’s married to the church. I’m not unmindful of this. Now he’s got a problem with my texting him. He doesn’t want me to go to another church; I asked. So now I told him that I’m going to take time, with God’s help, to get over this. He got mean. What shall I do?
Fr. I feel hurt on a priest who I gave a rose rosary which he liked , a card wt purely spiritual message and a box of chocolates for thanksgiving but was not thanked for or didn’t feel appreciated…no feedback the next day…all he said was you are so kind when I handed him the gift…I only want a simple thank you.I don’t understand why and how a priest do not know how to say thank you.
I really think my parish priest hates me. I try to be friendly to him. He has given me advice in regard to two different family situations I had. I feel grateful to him for his guidance. He is a great priest (ordained just over a year ago). However, every time he sees me, he just runs away. I have twice gone to confession with him and he covers his face with his hand as soon as he notices me— even if there is a divider. I apologized for possibly saying or doing something that offended him. He told me that I did not do anything wrong. So I did not have to worry about that. It hurts so much that he is either hot or cold to me.
How true..even married men should follow this approach and have eyes for no other woman but their wives who love them truly..
I hope he is concentrating! I don’t want to be a distraction.
So does this explain why when Father glances over in my direction during Mass he immediately closes his eyes and points his face toward the ceiling? I dress modestly, don’t wear makeup, and veil my head.
A truth as graciously as it is frankly expressed Father, as always, and a great encouragement. Thank you. I am married and custody of the eyes, in fact custody of the imagination, requires the same deliberately lowered gaze. I ‘see’ no other way to accomplish this.