Ask a Priest

5,442 Responses

Pauline, on October 16, 2016 at 7:37 am said:

Father,
Would like to ask you on receiving Communion by Hand. What I was taught is the left hand over the right and use the right hand to take up the sacred host. Recently I heard that for left handers it is the opposite.
Is it correct? Thank You.

FATHER JOE: I had not heard that. I would not make a big deal about which hand but you are correct: the usual pattern is to make a throne of our two hands with the left one on top. We step aside and then we use the right hand to take up the host and to communicate it (place in mouth).
Linda Richards, on October 16, 2016 at 12:10 am said:

Is petting a sin with a fiance?

FATHER JOE: Heavy petting (outside of marriage) is regarded as sinful because it is often a precursor to more serious sexual intimacy.
Don Murphy, on October 15, 2016 at 4:11 pm said:

Hi Father,

I am a married man with two children. My wife and I are very happy but we both know we could never live comfortably given our income with more than two children. We are at our absolute maximum stretch financially and with my constant work travel, my wife cannot imagine having a third young one to take care of alone during the week. We feel we have fully allowed the door to be open when it comes to being fruitful and created two beautiful babies in our first two years of marriage. We’d now like to continue to be healthy and sexually active but do not wish to reproduce at this time. I’ve heard conflicting things about this. We do not wish to use NFP for fear of hearing in our NFP class at our church it is only about 70% effective. We cannot bear that risk. In our situation, are condoms okay temporarily until we can reassess at a later time in our life? Thank you.

FATHER JOE: Sorry, but condomistic intercourse has been reckoned by Catholic moralists to be intrinsically evil or wrong. Every act of vaginal intercourse (the marital act) must be that type of act that is open to human generation. Condoms change the nature of the act. NFP is 90+ percent effective if used wisely to space births. However, if it is done with a contraceptive mentality, then even that would be wrong (but for subjective and not objective reasons). Sacrifice either proles (procreation) or fides (fidelity) and the marital act is compromised. Chastity is a virtue that must be served, even in marriage.
Bernard, on October 15, 2016 at 1:57 pm said:

I am a marriage annulled Roman Catholic after a 33 year marriage. The divorce was never my idea and I always believed until death do us part. On my way to heaven, I hit this mountain; O well.

I figured God’s grace could get me out of anything and prayed that it is “not good for man to be alone.” I met a down on her luck (3 previous marriages) Woman with children and got civilly married. So far technically someone Pope Francis was talking about that may be redeemable.

Cannot believe how stupid I am; I later found out her last marriage was an RC marriage. She went through the annulment process for her ex for her last marriage. 5 years ago he has disowned her and his own daughter that still lives with me. My wife is not a practicing Catholic and refuses to go through another annulment process.

Myself and all my peers think there is nothing wrong here; but I have a nagging conscience and I need a Priest with the power of discernment.

I think with Pope Francis I have hope. There is no way my wife or step-daughter could survive without me. I have never been blessed with the gift of celibacy.

Again I know that God will give me the grace to get out of any situation but to me this is harder than Calculus.

I do love my wife and I do go to church. Advice?

FATHER JOE:

It is indeed a rough scenario. There are four failed marriages between the two of you. Left unsaid is what caused the failure of these relationships and whether or not there was (or is) an inherent impediment to a sacramental marital union. Yours was the more lasting and probably the more problematic union in that the divorce did not occur until thirty-three years later. Pope Francis has said and done a number of things to help people in irregular unions. However, while he has some say over Church praxis (pastoral practice), he is not God and cannot change either divine positive or natural law. God gave us commandments and only God can delineate the boundaries of certain objective sins. Taking God’s name in vain, false worship, disobedience to just authority, stealing, murder, adultery or sexual misconduct, perjury or deception, etc. are grievous sins and no man, not even a Pope, can make them otherwise.

Your current marriage is a civil one only. You only discovered later that her last marriage was in the Catholic Church. This confession itself makes me wonder if sufficient dialogue and discretion was practiced prior to the attempted bond. You stated that she went through the annulment process so as to marry her previous husband. The fact that he abandoned her and disowned his daughter might be evidence of grounds to a Tribunal. It sounds like something was wrong from the beginning.

But here is your hurdle: While your marriage was annulled, she refuses to engage in another formal annulment. Further, annulments are not guaranteed. Unless there is an annulment or the prior spouse dies, there can be no con-validation (marriage).

You have connected your life with that of a woman and her child. No matter how difficult, if this woman loved you as she should, she would pursue the annulment process. It seems that you are the one making the sacrifices here. The Holy Father argues for a non-judgmental accompaniment. Behind this approach is the hope that over time something wrong may be made right. But what if we run out of time? You are going to church. Normally people in irregular unions should not take Holy Communion; although various churchmen are arguing for concessions in certain cases. I am not among these. Your main focus as a Catholic, for both yourself and the woman you love, is growth in holiness. That would ordinarily mean an annulment with con-validation (marriage in the Church), a brother-sister relationship of perfect continence or separation. Whatever happens, keep going to Mass, even if you cannot take communion (reserved to those in a state of grace).

I do not know of any easy answer at this point. I will keep you in prayer.
chinonye, on October 15, 2016 at 11:01 am said:

Hello Fr
I hope this isn’t an awkward question but I felt it would be wise to confide in you. Fr is it bad to prefer to date men of a certain level of physical attractiveness or race? The men that are asking me out aren’t physically attractive and not the race I would love to date. Do u think I might miss out on love if I get too picky? Should I talk to God about my confusion? Thanks.

FATHER JOE: Marriage is a sacrament that has a special focus on the body. That is why the Church teaches it is a sacrament between a man and a woman and not two people of the same gender. Men and women have different tastes in terms of attraction. There is no right or wrong in terms of such personal chemistry. It is true that to a certain extent it may be socially conditioned. As long as you are open to being surprised, you are certainly free to date or court whomever you please. Gender is an essential element of human identity. Race or ethnicity, hair color, body-shape, etc. are accidentals. The issue of sin emerges when people are told or forced to court and marry only people of a certain race. We are the same under the skin. People are attracted by the body but marriages also reflect shared values, love, etc.
Michael, on October 15, 2016 at 10:58 am said:

Father, I was married in the church, fell away from it completely, and my wife and I divorced. There seem to be no no grounds for a declaration of nullity. Profoundly repentant of my falling away, I wish now (five years later) to return to the church. If I cannot reconcile with my wife but do not take up with another woman and remain celibate, will I continue to be in a state of mortal sin?

FATHER JOE: Come back to the Church. If you do not take up with another woman, you may go to Confession and return to a standing where you can receive Holy Communion. Reconciliation with your wife would be preferred if possible. If not, you may want to explore the possibility of an annulment. An Advocate and Tribunal could tell you if there are grounds or not. They are specially trained about such things.
Teresa Villaseñor, on October 14, 2016 at 7:37 pm said:

Father, nine years ago God called me to religious life and I violently rejected the Holy Spirit until I felt him leave and I rejoiced over it. Since then I’ve been a mess and I can’t find God anywhere. I can’t pray and I can’t love. I’m miserable, stuck inside myself. I can’t truly repent, I don’t know what to do. Please help. I can’t feel forgiven, nor can I honestly seek forgiveness. Thank you.

FATHER JOE:

You may have been called to consecrated life and God may still be calling you… I cannot say. But there is a more primary summons and that is the call to holiness. Our first and foremost vocation is to cooperate with grace and to become saints. That is universal. God is always near. If you cannot find him, it means that you have closed your spiritual eyes and ears. We must be disposed to hear his voice and to discern his presence and providence in our lives. God does not move, we do. Love is an act of the will, not feelings. If you believe then you pray even if you do not feel like praying. God may restore something of the satisfaction you once felt. But if he does not, you give him glory and thanks all the same. Ask God to give you grace to find your way today.

A true calling to religious life would have to be confirmed by the Church. I have known many men and women who discerned out of the formation. God’s path for us is rarely if ever predictable. You really cannot say for sure that God wanted you to be a sister or nun. But he does want you in right relationship with him now and later to abide with him in heaven.

How do you get outside of yourself? Charity can break down the walls of selfishness and self-preoccupation. When we do things for others we open the windows and doors of the soul to the Spirit of God. I will be praying for you. Seek the sacraments and absolution. You do not have to “feel” forgiveness to know God’s mercy. As long as we have breath, there are no unforgivable sins.
Father Joe, on October 13, 2016 at 4:17 pm said:

Hi Ana,

I have no perfect answers about all this.

The two-edged sharpness of memories is that we remember the good times and the bad. Those who live in their heads suffer the most. The joy of good times is sometimes ruined because the virtual experience pales in comparison to the real. We remember good friends but the nostalgia saddens us because they are no longer close or near or even in this world. We recall mistakes in judgment and replay the episodes in our heads over and over again, but are unable to change them. Then there are the bad things that happen to us or others. Victimization is particularly hard with which to live and to overcome. We cannot forget and so the anger or even hatred quickly returns. A sense of shame is also an ingredient of the depression that afflicts us about past things we did or that were done to us.

What does a Christian do with all this? We seek both secular and spiritual counsel. We avail ourselves of the sacraments and go to Confession. We dispose ourselves to healing. The challenge of the Gospel urges us to love our enemies and to forgive those who hurt us. Depending on the wrongs, this is often quite hard. I suspect some erroneously think that such acts must be immediate and complete but in truth there is more of a process. Maybe loving or forgiving someone who hurt you seems too much today but it could become easier tomorrow? There is a gradual conversion to the likeness of Christ. It may be that for some, the fullness of this love and mercy will only be satisfied or complete after death. By divine grace, we try to love and to forgive a little more each day. Further, we can increasingly live in the moment, focusing on the challenges of life in the here and now. We stay busy, not allowing inordinate time for rumination about the past and the sorrow it brought us. Painful memories can also be transformative, for us and others. People who have survived illness or abuse or other tragedies can then witness to others in similar situations that there is light on the other side of the tunnel… that life can still be worthwhile and that there is hope.

Our fallen nature makes many things difficult. Love is understood not as an emotional sentiment but as a movement of the will. There is a difference between “loving” and “liking” someone. Charity is an expression of the soul. The latter is chemistry.

Move forward and leave the past in the past.
Ana, on October 12, 2016 at 11:29 pm said:

Hi Father,

I’m having a really hard time with these memories of the bad things that happened to me. The ones bothering me most now involves my dad. I want to hate him. I’m angry at him. I want to hate all of those bad people. I don’t want to pray for them. I know that’s bad though, so I try to not think about it, do something else, but it’ll come back worse than before.

My counselor always tells me to forgive the memories when they come up. My confessor would suggest I say a prayer for him (or any of the others who hurt me) when he, my father, comes to mind. I can’t do it, or maybe I don’t *want* to do any of that. I do want to do the right thing, though, so…is there something smaller, maybe a baby step I could take that’d make these things doable?

I’m also trying to make it out here as an adult, complicating all this; isn’t that stuff more urgent? How do I deal with both?

I hope that didn’t come out too emotional or unclear. I just wanted a third opinion.

Thanks,
-Ana
Mike M., on October 12, 2016 at 8:03 pm said:

Father,

I have an addiction to masturbation. I have confessed and really repented twice but I find that I come back to it because of habit or addiction. Physically I find myself doing it even though I try so hard not to. I am deeply troubled by it and would ask what is your advice to try to heal myself and be more devoted to God. Also, I am concerned for this in relation to my confession, is the masturbation out of the addiction or habit a venial or mortal sin? I am so confused on this.

FATHER JOE:

Objectively self-pollution is regarded as a grievous sin (mortal) but subjective elements can reduce culpability and make it venial. Addiction is one such modifier, as are psychological ailments, immaturity, or special learning challenges. Many outgrow such an issue, but given our pornographic society, custody of the eyes is nearly impossible. We are surrounded by threats to chastity.

Do not despair. You may struggle for some time with this sin. Bring it to Confession, if need be, again and again. Grow in grace and know that God loves you and is always ready to forgive. Referencing his sleeping apostles, our Lord said that “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” He understands the fallen human condition. Just continue to do the best you can and never despair of his mercy. Love him and allow that love to embrace neighbor. As Cardinal McCarrick delighted in telling us, “Charity covers a multitude of sins.”
Terry, on October 12, 2016 at 5:48 am said:

A question has lingered on my mind that I cannot unravel. How is it even feasible to gain access to Heaven? I am not and will not ever be worthy and I am positively addicted to sin. I go to confession but 5 minutes later without even knowing I’ve sinned in some manner. It just seems so impossible to NOT go to Hell. The idea of being condemned terrifies me every day. What can I do to get on God’s good graces? Because ceasing to sin is an impossibility it seems.

FATHER JOE: Left to your own devices, you cannot be saved or go to heaven. No goodness or works done outside Christ have any spiritual value. Your conundrum is two-fold. (1) You cannot save yourself so stop trying. (2) Your questioning shows that you underestimate or neglect entirely the infinite saving power of Jesus Christ as the Savior and Son of God. Only God can save you. Jesus would have us offer all that we are and all that we do within his own self-offering to the Father. Jesus forgives our sins and makes himself the oblation of propitiation. He dies on the Cross so that we might live. He pays the price that left to ourselves we cannot pay. Faith realized in obedience and charity brings us the saving grace of Christ. The saints of Heaven and the souls who journey there through the purification of Purgatory know that there is only one WAY or BRIDGE to the Father, and that is Jesus Christ. Give yourself to the Lord. Come to him with a contrite heart. Know his mercy and trust in him. If we walk with the Lord then we can sustain a sure and certain hope of living with him forever.
Rachel, on October 9, 2016 at 6:45 pm said:

My sister converted to catholic years ago. She is currently living with her cousin as man and woman. Guess that’s her business, but what I don’t understand is she receives communion in church often. Does not go to confession with a priest, just ask god for forgiveness and receives communion…..isn’t it wrong, knowing that she will continue with her life as is and not think anything of it? Should I say something to her?

FATHER JOE: I take it you mean that she lives as “man and wife” with her cousin outside of a genuine marriage. First cousins cannot marry in the Church. It is open to more remote degrees. In any case, people who are cohabiting and sharing sexual intimacy are not regarded as in a state of grace or spiritually disposed for the sacrament. Your sister probably already knows that she is doing something wrong. But the fact is that she does not care. You can speak with her but she may just tell you that it is none of your business. In any case, keep her in prayer.
Bill M, on October 9, 2016 at 3:19 am said:

Father is it a sin to be in a ghost hunting group. We work in conjunction with the local historical society. People send us their stories and we try to help. I have never thought of it as sinful until recently when someone posed the question. Thank you for your time. God Bless.

FATHER JOE:

All that I can say is that it can be sinful. The Halloween entertainment part of it can fit nicely into the work of historical societies. So-called ghost walks often come with stories about places and the people who lived there. Unfortunately, there can also develop an unhealthy fascination for the occult. We should neither seek secret or forbidden knowledge nor employ WICCA or PAGAN witchcraft. Steer clear of Ouija boards that invite the demonic and further superstition.

Divine permission might be given departed souls to manifest themselves or to communicate with the living. However, any superstitious necromancy or science of calling upon the dead (supposed evocations) is forbidden to both Jews and Christians. It is not dependable… more likely opening ourselves to demonic deception. This is even clearer when incantations and magical rites are employed.

The other issue here is about the manner of your help. Bumbling ghost hunters can make people’s lives far worse. Another concern is our regard for the truth. There seems to be a lot of fanciful supposition and pseudoscience in the mix. Using thermometers, stud sensors, and EMF readers might make for good TV props, but I suspect they have little or no genuine value in ghost hunting. Easily available tools are being employed for reasons contrary to why they were manufactured.

Finally, if you encounter something supernatural, how would you help?
Ibone Ser, on October 7, 2016 at 9:53 pm said:

I’ve lied to my parents about several things. If I already went to confession, and plan to not lie to them anymore , should I still tell my parents about the lies and confess the truth to them?

Many thanks.

FATHER JOE: It depends upon what the lies were about. If the priest thought that they should have been told he probably would have made such a condition for absolution. This is particularly the case when deception harms reputations and requires some form of restitution. Otherwise, they are forgiven and need to be relegated to the past.
Kathleen Bowers, on October 5, 2016 at 11:13 pm said:

Thank you, Fr. Joe, for providing me with extensive information and Scripture, so that I may learn from your responses to my questions and share them for the benefit of others’ understanding of Catholic doctrine. I appreciate the thought and time you invested in your prompt reply.
Kathleen
Andrea McBee, on October 5, 2016 at 2:23 pm said:

Should a catholic woman knowingly see an obstetrician (for routine OB care) that performs abortions services for other women?

FATHER JOE: If I were a pro-life woman, I would have serious issues with it.
Ana, on October 5, 2016 at 12:32 pm said:

Hello Father, I come from a very broken family of drunkenness and polygamy. In my nuclear family I am the only baptised catholic practising faith and sometimes my faith is mocked. One of my catholic friends asked me to offer masses and do a litany of reparation for family’s sins for about six months since I could get stuck in life unless those doors of sins against God are closed. I have been doing that yet I feel sad about my family. What should I do?

FATHER JOE: Prayer and witness on their behalf is what you are already doing and should continue to do.
Kathleen Bowers, on October 2, 2016 at 11:45 pm said:

Fr. Joe,

I would appreciate being provided an explanation to offer others when asked by fellow Christians:
1) Why do Catholics pray to the Blessed Virgin and saints for intercession of prayers when Catholics can pray directly to God?

Please provide any Scripture which supports this belief.

2) Why must Catholics refrain from receiving communion in other Christian churches, and why must non-Catholics refrain from receiving communion in Catholic churches?

Please provide any pertinent historical/theological background, as your time allows.

My motivation is to share the knowledge you provide with fellow Christians, as I’ve been approached multiple times in recent years regarding these beliefs.

Many thanks,
Kathleen

FATHER JOE:

The Importance of Intercessory Prayer

First, all prayer has as its proper object Almighty God. Second, intercessory prayer does not weaken our “direct” appeal to God but rather invites others, both on earth and in heaven, to pray with and for us. The issues certain non-Catholics have with invoking the saints are largely two-fold: the corporate nature of the Church and the manner in which the saints share in the resurrection. While the dead have gone to their eternal rest, we do not believe they are literally asleep or unconscious. Some like the Adventists deny the existence of the soul and contend that the righteous dead alone will eventually be resurrected. We believe that the saints are alive and aware in Christ. We believe that love is stronger than death. Thus, the saints who have gone before us continue to love and to pray for those still in pilgrimage in our world. The Church understands saving faith as both personal and corporate or communal. Christ established a Church, a new People of God— the family of God. Many non-Catholic critics so emphasize the personal or individual component of faith that it weakens this connective element. The love and unity of our faith family cannot be breached by death.

Intercessory prayer is only one form of oration practiced by Catholics. We pray together (intercessory) with repentant hearts (contrition), giving God the glory (praise), beseeching his help (petition), and offering him thanks (thanksgiving). At Mass we unite ourselves with the saving work of Christ and enter into the Paschal Mystery (propitiation/satisfaction).

Genesis 18:22-32 – Abraham talks down the number of righteous he must find to save Sodom from divine retribution. He intercedes for the people

Exodus 32:7-14/Deuteronomy 9:8-9, 12-20, 23-27/Psalms 106:23 – Moses implored God not to destroy his people because of their idolatry. We are told that God relented.

Jesus would descend to the abode of the dead and take the righteous with him into heaven. The dead are alive in Christ and can intercede to God just as we can who walk the earth.

1 Timothy 2: 1-6 – First of all, then, I ask that supplications, prayers, petitions, and thanksgivings be offered for everyone, for kings and for all in authority, that we may lead a quiet and tranquil life in all devotion and dignity. This is good and pleasing to God our savior, who wills everyone to be saved and to come to knowledge of the truth. For there is one God. There is also one mediator between God and the human race, Christ Jesus, himself human, who gave himself as ransom for all.

Revelation 8:3-4 – Another angel came and stood at the altar, holding a gold censer. He was given a great quantity of incense to offer, along with the prayers of all the holy ones, on the gold altar that was before the throne. The smoke of the incense along with the prayers of the holy ones went up before God from the hand of the angel.

Revelation 5:7-8 – He came and received the scroll from the right hand of the one who sat on the throne. When he took it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each of the elders held a harp and gold bowls filled with incense, which are the prayers of the holy ones.

Receiving Communion: Why the CLOSED Table?

We should only receive that in which we believe. If a person does not believe in the REAL PRESENCE of the Eucharist, then as a Protestant his or her reception of Holy Communion in a Catholic church would be interpreted by non-Catholic ministers as idolatry. Similarly, Catholics believe in both the priesthood and the sacrifice of the Mass; reception of communion bread in a Protestant service becomes a scandal that undermines this belief. Historically, if someone were excommunicated from the Church, they were denied the Eucharist. This is a factor in the “closed table” practiced by Catholicism. The reception of Holy Communion is regarded as a faith profession— in the risen Christ present in the sacrament, in the power of the priesthood and the Mass, in the teachings and in the authority of the Roman Catholic Church. We do not want people to profess something that in truth they do not believe. The “open table” practiced by certain Protestants views communion as a means toward unity, instead of as an expression of unity. Protestant faith communities would tend to place the greater gravity upon fellowship and hospitality while Catholics would target a fully realized union or incorporation into the Mystical Body of Christ where members have the proper spiritual disposition so as to receive the graces of the sacrament.
Rena, on October 2, 2016 at 4:35 pm said:

Hi Father,
I think around 7 to 8 years ago, I was given a brown scapular by my sis. It was blessed and I’ve been wearing it since. Additionally, around 6 years ago, the square piece of brown dropped off, and I’ve sewn it together.

I’ve just read online that the brown scapular must be invested by a priest..? Does that invalidate my wearing of it since I was not there when it was blessed? I’ve also bought one and gotten it blessed and given it to a Friend since she wanted to get one too. I wasn’t told anything else about personally having to wear it? Also, I’m not sure if I used 100% wool to mend the brown back to the neck loop… Is this alright?

Thank you.

FATHER JOE: The scapular can be repaired but more often worn out ones are replaced. The person can only be invested or enrolled once. Afterwards, the new scapular worn only requires a simple blessing by a priest. (It should be remembered that sacramentals that are destroyed no longer hold their blessing.)
Mohemed Aashif, on October 2, 2016 at 11:20 am said:

Hello Sir.
I am a Muslim. And I’m so eager learning religious scriptures. These days, I have been reading the Bible.
Here’s my question sir.
I heard that at the mass on Sundays, they give holy communion in the Church.
But I’m also aware that according to Bible, in the chapter of Proverbs, verse 21 (20:1), it says Wine Is A Mocker.
1)why is it called a holy communion if It is called a mocker in the Bible?
2)If Bible says Wine is a mocker, why is it served particularly in Churches?

Thank you.

FATHER JOE: Wine and unleavened bread is used at Mass because Jesus used these elements to institute his Eucharist. Our Lord changes them into his body and blood. Every particle of the host and every drop of the precious blood is the whole and complete risen Christ. The passage from Proverbs 20:1 reads as follows: “Wine is arrogant, strong drink is riotous; none who are intoxicated by them are wise.” This must be understood in proper context. Cause and effect are recognized. Wine was their traditional drink but excess and drunkenness was rightly criticized. The Book of Proverbs generally views wine as signifying prosperity and/or joyous and festive hearts. See Proverbs 3:10; 4:17; 9:2, 5.
Chris, on October 2, 2016 at 5:17 am said:

Thank you Father for the advice! It was very helpful.
Peace!
kim, on October 1, 2016 at 2:13 pm said:

are contraceptive still a mortal sin by the church? does the church allow natural family planning methods

FATHER JOE: Artificial contraception is deemed seriously sinful. Natural Family Planning is promoted only so long as it is not infected with a contraceptive mentality. Many use NFP to space births and to enhance the chances of getting pregnant.
Chris, on October 1, 2016 at 5:59 am said:

Hello Father,
We have a question regarding a wedding situation. My wife’s kid brother was baptized in the Church and was taken to Mass sporadically until age 18. He stopped going to Mass completely at age 19, but never formally left the Church. Now in is thirties he is getting married for the first time. It is her first marriage as well. We are practicing Catholics and we believe strongly in the Sacroments. We know that this wedding, before a justice of the peace, is not recognized by the Church as he is a baptized Catholic. He lives more than 1,000 miles away and we have been invited to the wedding and it is important to him that his sister attend, especially since they don’t see each other that often. Knowing that this is not a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church, would we be committing scandal by attending? We would like to know your thoughts. Thank you.

FATHER JOE: This is always a difficult issue because you also want to preserve family harmony. It may be okay to be present without taking an active part. But you have to judge in conscience if you can live with that. As a Catholic priest, I am forbidden to be present at any marriages that will not be recognized by the Church. Such has hurt friends and family members but I had no choice because even while not wearing priestly garb, a priest represents the Church (not just himself). Whatever you do, it is okay to let him know how you feel. Continue to witness to him. Who knows, maybe keeping the lines of communication open and witnessing with compassion will one day bring him to a sacramental con-validation?
J S T, on September 29, 2016 at 9:00 pm said:

I am seven and a half months pregnant. Sex with my husband is not physically comfortable, so my husband wants us to do unnatural sexual acts, instead, so that we can still be together. We are 100% open to life (due for third baby, married for 4.5 years). If I’m not fertile now, unable to always have natural sex, and we are open to life – is it a mortal sin to have unnatural sexual acts with my husband?

Thank you.

FATHER JOE:

I tend to shy away from questions like this because of the privacy that such intimacy between spouses deserves.

Objectively, the only sexual acts condoned by the Church are those that are open to the generation of human life and as “human” acts facilitate the fidelity of the husband and wife. Certain overtures of intimacy and touching are permitted so as to enable the couple to share vaginal intercourse; however, separated from the marital act or connected to some isolated form of masturbation and they would be deemed morally wrong.

Given the affirmed good of close proximity of spouses in the same home and/or sharing a bed, there may not be an absolute control of affection, resulting in acts that might be objectively serious but subjectively judged as venial in gravity. This is due to concupiscence and human weakness.

Because of pregnancy, sickness, travel and the proper use of natural family planning, there will be times when couples will need to abstain from the marital act and sexual relations. This requires the gift of chastity, self-control and sacrificial love.

A spouse, usually the woman, might sometimes engage in acts felt to be repellent because of the demands of the beloved. She does so because she loves her husband and wants to preserve the harmony of the home and the security of the children. Thus, one spouse may sin grievously and the other less so, given fear and intimidation.

There is a profound difference between lust and passion. Lust is propelled by the bestial and objectifies the other person. Christian passion embraces what it means to be human and seeks the joy of the beloved, raising the dignity of the beloved subject as a person. It is in line with this passion that spouses should always show respect to each other.

Spouses should ask: Does this act that we share respect each of us as human persons? Does it say I LOVE YOU or merely that I WANT TO USE YOU?
Sarah Debenham, on September 28, 2016 at 9:29 pm said:

I am an agnostic divorcee, single mother. I have been in a full sexual loving relationship with my partner for nearly a year. My daughter calls him daddy and adores him. I am 26 years older than him….although he is the more mature! Recently he has decided to become catholic, therefore wants us to become chaste. This, i think, after all this time will kill the relationship, unless we planned to marry. Unfortunately, I think this will be a step too far for him. My viewpoint says that the church is ripping apart our family and will ruin the trust my child has, how is that christian? We did have the perfect relationship, the best for either of us. How do we make both sides work? He is torn in 2 at the minute. We are all in pieces trying to salvage what we can. It is not fair that our perfect family is torn apart by the church. Help needed please!!!!

FATHER JOE: If your lover feels a call to be Catholic, then at least he feels that something is missing. Even if you do not believe, this is important to him. If your relationship were meant to last, then this may be the opportunity to make it something more, not less. Given that you are both adults, the age disparity is no one’s business but yours. However, for him to become a practical Catholic and to maintain an intimate relationship, there would have to be a declaration of nullity for your marriage and then marriage for the two of you in the Church. I would urge you not to see his movement toward conversion as an unfortunate hurdle; but rather, as a means toward greater unity and happiness.