Ask a Priest

5,442 Responses

chinonye, on March 14, 2016 at 4:27 pm said:

Hello Fr
I have a step-sister who got married 3 years ago. Their marriage is sort of plagued with constant fights and hurtful words from both parties. The husband beats his 3 year old son violently and when my sister rescues her son from his beatings, he goes into a rage, complaining that my sister doesn’t allow him discipline his son. I must admit that my sister can be foul mouthed at times and needs to change, but does that justify him slapping her.
My other sister is saying that the husband isn’t a bad person, that although she doesn’t support abusive behaviour, that who knows what my sister must have said to trigger the slap. What do you make of this? Thanks.

FATHER JOE: If he is rendering genuine child abuse then he should be reported to the authorities and arrested. Anyone who abuses a child is a BAD person. No excuses suffice.
Ruth, on March 14, 2016 at 7:27 am said:

I really wish people like D.F could become priests. We would have more number of priests who are actually pious and dedicated than the ones who are worldy and strayed away.

FATHER JOE: Poorly trained priests often fall away or become dissenters. What we need are humble and smart priests. Before seminaries became common, men became priests while working as accomplices to parish clergy. There was a lack of uniformity in the formation. Being well-educated does not mean that one is necessarily worldly. Would you want a poorly trained mechanic to work on your car? Would you want an incompetent roofer for your house or a plumber who did not know what to do? No, you would not. Similarly, you want a priest who thoroughly understands the many complexities of faith. St. Teresa of Avila was asked, if you had the choice between an exceptionally holy priest or just a mundane one who was well-informed about the faith, to which would you go for Confession? She answered that she would go to the smart priest over the holy one. The holy priest might himself be in good standing with God but she explained, the smart one would have the better counsel for her as a penitent. No man becomes a priest so that he might be a saint. A man becomes a priest so that Christ might use him in making saints of others. The priesthood is not a stage in the life of holiness; rather, it is a vocation as servant for God’s people. St. Teresa of Avila wrote: “An intelligent mind is simple and teachable; it sees its faults and allows itself to be guided. A mind that is dull and narrow never sees its faults even when shown them. It is always pleased with itself and never learns to do right.” Let us always value intelligence and learning as vehicles for truth, both natural and supernatural.
D.F., on March 14, 2016 at 4:37 am said:

How do you expect me to find a job with a good salary when I have no experience? I have applied to many jobs but no one wants to hire me because I have no past jobs, I do landscaping which I get payed for. But do you think it was right for that seminarian to tell me in my 2nd semester of college that if I wanna have my mind right for the priesthood that I should live a life of poverty, not worry about getting a job? Also tell me not to date so I could prepare myself for a celebate life. My own philosophy professor told me that “philosophy is doing the Devils work” math shouldn’t be a requirement to be a priest. You barely know me to know if I received a vocation, I was called my senior year of high school, I kept feeling it in my heart, don’t you realize the number of priests keep decreasing, it’s because it’s hard for good people,but meanwhile we have priests who understand the studies but probably had mental problems and that’s why they molested children which the Catholic Church has been dealing with for a long time. So I don’t know the answer to this but since you are fully educated, why do young innocent children of God get cancer, it’s something that upsets me and I ask many Christians and they say it’s because we live in hell or “God has a plan for everyone”

FATHER JOE:

We start at the bottom and work our way up. If we want a skilled job, we seek the proper instruction. Unskilled labor often finds itself relegated to poverty. There is nothing wrong with landscaping, although it can be hard and physical.

Why would you listen to a second-year seminarian who might himself not get ordained? Rather, you consult with the vocations director and your priests. Diocesan priests do not take vows to poverty and must take care of their own financial affairs. Religious clergy (who do promise poverty) have formation programs beyond the eight years of the diocesan. It seemed to me that you were talking about diocesan service… so why this emphasis on poverty? Be wary of taking counsel from the ignorant and from fools. The seminarian told you wrong. I went into seminary after high school and worked summers to cover for books and various other expenses (1978-1986). Some older men came into seminary as dentists, doctors, lawyers, businessmen, etc.

Dating is a matter of preference. Once enrolled in the seminary a man should not date; however, before accepted into the program I see no reason why a young man should avoid the company of good girls. The celibate life is not the avoidance of half of the human race; it is a mature decision to avoid romantic entanglements so that one might focus upon priestly service. We belong to our bride, the Church.

Philosophy is not the devil’s work and is foundational to religious studies. Math has value in terms of a well-rounded liberal education. Pastors must also be equipped to be good stewards of Church properties and funds. A call to vocation is more than a feeling in the heart. It is a sense of being spiritually summoned. It also involves introspection about gifts and a trust in the discernment of the Church. The calling comes in stages: first as a Christian, second as a seminarian and third with the ratification of the Church, a call to holy orders… the diaconate and then the priesthood. A man’s sense of calling only becomes clear when it is confirmed by the Church and his Bishop. You promise obedience to him and to his successors. You pledge a life of celibate love. At the beginning, the man prays each day knowing that his state of life is that of student/seminarian. He must be patient. Any eagerness in the first stage for ordination is not from God. Priests and professors will determine if the man has both the intellectual and pastoral ability to be a priest. Many men will fail and leave seminary. Men leave of their own free will and others will be dismissed. Some were not bright enough. Others were not sufficiently devout or desiring holiness. Some were ill-equipped to observe a life of celibacy.

The training is hard. There are four years of philosophy and then four years of theology. I also took Latin and Greek. On top of this there will be pastoral assignments. I worked with juvenile delinquents at a group home, tutored kids at a Boys’ Club, counseled at a mental health organization, volunteered at overnight shelters, helped with soup-kitchens, taught children with mental challenges and with physical deformations, visited the elderly at nursing homes and changed bed-pans, etc. There are also work obligations in the maintenance of the seminary. I spent hours upon hours in weekly seminary cleaning, moping and waxing hallway floors.

The Church needs vocations; but she needs neither the pedophiles that slipped into her ranks nor the men who are intellectually or pastorally ill-equipped. How can a man be a teacher if he is not first a student? I am surprised that you would steep so low as to say that at least YOU would be better than a child molester. You might as well say that you would make a good priest because you are not an ax-murderer. The logic here is poor (something you learn in first year philosophy). You cannot gauge your own vocation or calling based upon matters like shortages, poor priests, etc. You and your calling must be judged according to your own gifts and abilities. Poison to this process of discernment is ambition and deception. No one has a right to the priesthood. No one deserves to be a priest. It cannot be demanded as a matter of social justice. It is purely a gift.

Finally, you state: “So I don’t know the answer to this but since you are fully educated, why do young innocent children of God get cancer, it’s something that upsets me and I ask many Christians and they say it’s because we live in hell or ‘God has a plan for everyone.’” Here again we come to the point mentioned in a previous comment that alerted me to a problem or warning about any assumed vocation. The priest is a source for meaning. But all you have are questions. The priest is always a defender of the Church. But you attack her. These are all bad marks or strikes against a priestly calling in the Church. I cannot say what God might say to you in the future, but right now I think you are too angry and doubtful about the things of God to have a clear priestly vocation. Indeed, instead of really hearing me (and the hard assessment I render) there is a little bit of mockery against me personally. Again, attacking the Church and her bishops and priests would have you quickly removed from any vocations rolls or seminary.

If you were a priest, how would you answer the question you pose? You ask: Why do innocent children get cancer? Why must they suffer and die? The question is really directed to God.

First, there is no perfect or absolutely satisfying response to grieving parents. When the pain or loss is personal, there are too many emotions for any answer to suffice.

Second, the pastoral response is one of presence, prayer and sacraments. Words might not register, but the priest represents the healing and caring Christ. Their pain is also his pain. There is something here of transference. He shares their hurt. He tries to give joy to the child. He is in solidarity with them against the darkness. He weeps with them.

Third, Christianity is the one religion that does seek to answer the question of pain and death. We have in Christ one who knows the meaning of suffering and death. Here solidarity or unity touches the divine. While the providence of God is a genuine mystery, it is one where we find the light of Christ. God is on our side. The fall and original sin brought suffering and death into the world. We brought upon ourselves this brokenness. The priest brings with his absolution and the anointing the healing that our Lord made possible by his Paschal Mystery. Everything this world takes away from us will be restored— and more. We were not promised perfect happiness in this world but are summoned to take up our crosses and to follow Jesus. This is our first vocation as Christians. We know that on the other side of the Cross we will find healing, mercy and eternal life. Jesus prepares a place for us in his house. He says that all tears will be wiped away. There will be no more suffering, no more sickness and no more dying. He offers a share in his resurrection. Jesus was the all-holy one, the innocent Lamb of God, and yet he suffered and died. All of us must pass through death to life. The Holy Innocents were murdered in Christ’s stead. Millions of children are aborted every year from their mothers’ wombs. But we are promised that even if the parents should forget, we have a God who will never forget or abandon us. God is the author of life. All that we have is his gift to us. We belong to him.

Do you think we live in hell? If you have despaired against hope then you need to work on your vocation, not as an ordained priest but as a Christian. We are people of hope. Despair promises nothing other than pain and hell.
Josh F, on March 13, 2016 at 9:51 pm said:

Trisha, I have many friends who are homosexual, they are still human beings and should be accepted just like anyone else as we know our God is a “loving and caring God” homosexuals are still regular people, I look at them and can’t even tell if they are gay or not because we all bleed the same blood and have the same human body and heart. I know many people who are Catholics that support gay rights because they are humans just like everyone else
D.F., on March 13, 2016 at 9:25 pm said:

I legit need prayers, I am 21 years old and I have no clue where my life is going as I have no job and no money, I keep praying but get no answers, I am a great person but nothing good comes back to me or my family, God I need you now, where are you? 17 years old I went to community college because I wanted to be a priest, i was the type of person that lived for God and not my self. I can’t continue my studies because I was suspended from the school, my 3rd year in. Reason why? I failed algebra again which I barely passed in high school, I did great in my public speaking and English and reading classes, but math was my biggest problem, I also have a math learning disability. A friend of mine who was a seminarian told me when I was 17 told me prepare your life for God, pray for a life of celibacy and a life of poverty because priests don’t make a lot of money, so that’s what I did, I wasn’t focused on getting a job because I was focused as life as how Jesus would want me to live, caring for others, putting myself first, I didn’t even focus on dating because I was preparing myself for a celibate life as a male who wants to be a priest. Philosophy was another class I was having problems with, we had a debate once on “Does God exist or not” my answer to him was I believe in God because that’s how I was raised on by parents and I believe he is real because I’m healthy, he responded with “he’s a loving and caring God, why create a world where there’s cancer,why does a innocent person get cancer,why is there more than one religion” my response was I am not sure why cancer exists, he also said “if you weren’t raised to believe in God, would you believe in him” I didn’t know what to say. We say “pray for vocations” but people don’t realize how hard it is for people to become a priest, we should pray for a change of what it takes to be a priest. My friend senior year saw how I treated everyone and asked “are you going to be a priest next year, you are truly a man of God?” I said no, I have 8 years of education, he was like “you have 8 years of school, I thought you just have to be a man of God” another person I know from church asked how school was going, she couldn’t believe I need to take 4 math classes to be a priest(algebra 1&2, pre calculus and calculus) everyone I know thought priests just need to be a devoted Catholic and take a few bible classes and a language class. I personally think a male who wants to be a priest should get trained by thier pastor and if they are able to live life as a celibate male and live life as a holy man of God then they are qualified to be a seminarian and learn how to write homily,perform Sacraments in the seminary. Right now in my diocese,there are 10 seminarians and 117 priests and they said by the year 2027, we are on pace to have 36 priests and 2 seminarians. One of my church’s in our diocese had to close 2 church’s because we didn’t have enough priests, my church has 4 priests and 2 of them are part of 3 churches because they were short priests, we even cut down our mass schedule from 5 masses on Sunday to 3 bc of the shortage of priests. My question is why does the church make it so hard for people who wanna devote thier life to God but can’t bc they failed math again no matter how many times I saw tutors, I spent about $2,000 for tutoring to help me but I still don’t understand it, and now I’m in debt because of the students loans, I shouldn’t be in debt at age 21. Everyone tells me “you have the qualities to be a priest” someone I didn’t even know told me “I would make a great priest and pray for the vocation” trust me I pray and pray the past 3 years but I’m still suffering. I’m 21 years old and I have no idea what my life will be, I’m afraid of living in the streets because I have no job, I apply to everywhere but they say I have no past jobs. Why don’t I have past jobs because I volunteered as Jesus would want me to. I didn’t care about money because I was told to by a seminarian to prepare myself for a life of poverty. The church needs to consider cutting down the years it takes to be a priest, 8 years is a lot, it shouldn’t take 8 years just to learn how to pray,help others,celebrate mass,sacraments. Sorry if I sound like I am complaining, it’s just that I feel like I disappointed myself and everyone else, I have no clue where I’ll be in a year, I do so much good for everyone, when will good come to me? All this happened because I said Yes to the priesthood, I didn’t think I needed algebra to be a priest, I thought I needed to be a good person with Catholic values but clearly that’s not good enough.

FATHER JOE: A priest must be holy and informed. Eight to ten years is an appropriate time for formation. If the seminary studies were too hard for you, especially in matters like philosophy, then you would struggle with theology as well. I would take this as a sign that you do not have a vocation to the priesthood. Being prayerful and a good Catholic helps you. But a priest must be able to help others with the important questions of faith and values. You could possibly become a religious brother, particularly in a mendicant community that emphasizes labor and prayer but not academics. My suggestion would be to place an emphasis right now on finding a regular salaried job over any type of volunteer apostolic ministry. Again, it would be wrong to lower our standards. We would not want to flood the Church with priests reckoned as fools by learned critics. We need men who are orthodox in their thinking and faithful.
chinonye, on March 13, 2016 at 5:16 pm said:

Hello Father
My concern is this, I try hard to obey the commandments and avoid sin, but I feel too uptight because I’m constantly watching myself and making sure I walk a straight line of perfection in my spiritual life. The problem is, I’m scared of becoming too rigid and inflexible and unable to have fun. Please how do I balance things out? Also is avoiding sin the only way I can have a relationship with God. I feel like a robot with him sometimes, how can I have a love relationship with him? Like the way I would with my best friend? I hope you understand my question. Thanks!

FATHER JOE: It all depends upon what you mean by fun? Is it so hard to have fun and avoid sin?
Trisha, on March 11, 2016 at 7:16 am said:

Dear Father Joe,
I have two questions.
(1) Can a practicing homosexual receive confirmation?
(2) Is it a sin to be a confirmation sponsor to a practicing homosexual if she has not informed our priest of her lifestyle?
I couldn’t find an answer in the catechism or the USCCB document “Ministry to Persons With Homosexual Orientation”. Where can I find specific teaching on this?
(1) Can a practicing homosexual receive confirmation?

Thank you!!!
~Trisha

FATHER JOE:

It may be that the Church simply presumes proper judgment on the part of inquirers. Are homosexual acts morally sinful? If so, should we receive any sacrament while remaining in a state of mortal sin? Is a sponsor witnessing to the good faith or disposition of another or about his or her own standing as a Catholic?

As to what the priest knows, can you be certain that he is unaware about the candidate’s lifestyle? Often there may be an issue with Confession and how the seal of the sacrament would prevent the priest from either disclosing or acting upon what he knows.
Carlene, on March 9, 2016 at 4:00 pm said:

Hi Father, I am a 63yr. old female. I have always been scrupulous, since a child. I have suffered with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD) most of my life. I recently went to confession and talked with my priest about a situation, in which I was troubled and felt guilty about. He indicated that, he thinks my OCD has played a role, in my worry about this. He was very kind with me. When He gave me absolution and freed me from all my sins, should I accept and feel forgiven? Thank you.

FATHER JOE: Yes, you should accept God’s mercy. The priestly absolution does what it seeks to do. You are forgiven as a member of the Church from all your sins. Feel forgiven because this reflects the truthful efficacy of the sacrament.
John, on March 9, 2016 at 7:24 am said:

Father,
I really love this girl but she has had sex with 2 guys and I’m a virgin and will stay till I get married but it has been bothering me lately a lot.Questions pop up in my head like if I marry this girl would it be different with me?Questions like that.please help me.God bless

FATHER JOE: Much of what you are saying is based upon you. Equally important is how past behavior and values are understood by your love interest. Is she bothered by past promiscuity? Have her morals changed? Are you sure there were only two other men? Does she care about you and prize the virginity you have maintained for the woman who would be your wife? If there is genuine contrition and love then she can know forgiveness and healing. If you love her then knowledge of past intimacy may bring some degree of pain but would not necessarily obstruct the joy of a marital union and life as a family. Hopefully, she would not be plagued by past faces and bodies. However, people of both genders can be haunted and embarrassed by past intimacies. Sexual contact leaves a heavy imprint and memory. The marital act was established to seal a covenant between a husband and wife. It has a lasting effect. Sexual intercourse is orientated toward a lasting natural unity. Once that door is open, there is something in the person that cries out for the fullness of that bond. When it is treated merely as recreation people damage themselves. They become fractured or torn apart by wanting something they do not possess. A good marriage or religious vocation can mend this fracturing and help restore wholeness. An important theme here is fidelity.
Ruth, on March 9, 2016 at 2:30 am said:

What kind of priest was he to offer therapy?
He said he was a counsellor.

Do you mean counselling? Priests can give cards out at Confession; however, they are not generally permitted to set up appointments.
He gave me his card and also asked me if it was possible to come the next day and i agreed since he strongly insisted i needed help.
Did you receive absolution and complete the sacrament?
He spoke so much about his counselling..gave me a big lecture that i myself forgot whether i received the absolution or not.

Given that he was a real priest, are you sure he was in his right mind? Age and health issues can impair judgment.
Now after meeting him i dont think he wss in his right mind.

It is not clear to me why you had to see him outside the sacrament of Penance.
Because HE told me to..he said that i really needed help. Well..i needed help with some other issue but he kept talking about himself and brought up issues related to married life..don’t know why.

I would not worry about the incident.
Im worried thinking if ive done something wrong here..or is it just that he just wants his subjects to be dependant on him?. That’s how it looks.

FATHER JOE: I cannot discern any wrong on your part. Was the issue that you take petty things too seriously? Let it go.
Oldie, on March 8, 2016 at 3:47 pm said:

I look back on my teens, some 65 years ago, and wonder if I confessed all my teenage sins. Sometimes I committed self abuse but confessed it as “impure thoughts” because I was afraid to own up to the real sin. Since those days I’ve been a pretty good, observant Catholic. Should I re-confess those sins the right way? I’m already too scrupulous and this is liable to make things even worse. Thanks for your advice.

FATHER JOE: I suspect the priest understood but you can mention it (in a general way as you do here) to your Confessor.
Ruth, on March 8, 2016 at 2:05 pm said:

Dear Father,

I’m deeply confused and hurt. Last week I went for Confession to an old priest, about 84 years of age. As I was confessing my sins, he stopped me and said that I needed help and that he was a counsellor. He gave me his visiting card. He was very eager to help me and asked me to come to him the very next morning.

The next day I went to him. He was the type who would go on talking and I only had to do the listening. Somehow I managed to put across my real problem that was bothering me. He offered me therapy. After that he said I could get back to him after 3 to 4 days.

Surprisingly, he called after 2 days asking me to come in the morning. So I went and he offered further therapy. I didn’t find it effective and I started getting bored. Next he tells me that I have been cured and that he would perform his last therapy after 3 to 4 days.

Again, surprisingly, he called up in the morning after 2 days and asked me to see him. I couldn’t go as it was a weekend and I told him I would come the next day at 4 PM.

The next day I couldn’t make it because of some emergency and I couldn’t inform him in advance given that his number wasn’t reachable.

After a while he called up really angry because I didn’t come. He screamed at me and cut off the call saying never mind. He didn’t even bother telling me to come the next day or anything.

His reason for getting upset was that he could have attended someone else.

I’m really confused with this behavior. Was I so wrong that I deserved being screamed at? What must I do?

FATHER JOE: What kind of priest was he to offer therapy? Do you mean counselling? Priests can give cards out at Confession; however, they are not generally permitted to set up appointments. Did you receive absolution and complete the sacrament? Given that he was a real priest, are you sure he was in his right mind? Age and health issues can impair judgment. It is not clear to me why you had to see him outside the sacrament of Penance. I would not worry about the incident. Rather than getting angry yourself, just pray for the old man. It sounds like he is struggling with his own issues.
Word Nerd, on March 7, 2016 at 11:50 pm said:

Hello, Father. How are you? I hope all is well.

I must confess that I’m a sexual being. In recent years, however, I’ve been struggling with feelings of shame. Technically, I’m still a virgin, but I have engaged in sexual behavior. I masturbate A LOT (I even have sex toys.) The thing is, I’m not sure if it’s immoral. A few weeks ago, I read a quote by Paul Joannides I found comforting: “In much of America we still try to equate morality with whether you keep your pants on. We also associate morality with religion. But the truth is, there are Christians, atheists, Jews, and Muslims who are moral people and there are Christians, atheists, Jews, and Muslims who are immoral people. The same is true for people who are sexually active and for those who aren’t. Morality, from this Guide’s perspective, is respecting and caring for your fellow human beings. It has little to do with the way you enjoy your sexuality, unless what you do breaks a special trust or violates the rights of others.” I strayed from religion a few years ago, and recently I returned to the arms of God. I pray every day, but I’m afraid God won’t listen to me because I’m sexual. Though I try, I can’t always control my hormones. If God didn’t want us to have sex, he wouldn’t have filled our bodies with hormones. Excuse the blunt nature of this statement, but I like orgasms too much to discontinue them.

Also, I struggle with scrupulosity. Sometimes, when I pray, blasphemous thoughts sail into my head. God knows I don’t mean to be disrespectful, and He knows I’m scared of these thoughts. I’m also afraid these thoughts will lead me to Hell. I know God is mercy, but Catholicism has in the past portrayed God as an evil ogre when, in reality, He’s the complete opposite. It’s kind of hard to break out of this mentality, especially when I grew up with a family that denounces sex.

Thank you for reading my comment.

FATHER JOE:

Much of modern American psychiatry is not compatible with Judeo-Christian values. The person you cite is a secular sex educator, not a theologian or a person who views morality in a comprehensive way that respects traditional religion. His secular humanism is incompatible with our faith and illustrates that without God men do not know how to be good. For instance, where would he stand on issues like abortion? Would he promote active euthanasia to people deemed terminal or where a certain pain threshold is reached? Like many in his profession, he is an advocate for homosexual license. That is condemned both by divine positive law (Scripture) and natural law. If you take consolation from him about your addiction to masturbation then you have been duped. While the gravity of such a sin can be mitigated by passion and habit, it is still reflective of self-absorbed selfishness and a lack of maturity or discipline.

Even though sexual morality is only one area of morality, it remains important because YOU as a person are your body. Marriage and family are institutions that function as basic building blocks to a healthy society. If morality is “respecting and caring for your fellow human beings” then would this include caring enough to urge against sexual sin and promiscuity? Would it include caring about the unborn over the selfish CHOICES of parents? When he speaks about enjoying sexuality he is positing a greater weight to PLEASURE than to right or wrong and consequences.

Catholicism may have sometimes emphasized divine justice over mercy, but the tension between this attributes is difficult to keep in tension. God’s ways are not always our ways. But he is in control. It is not your place to call God an evil ogre. Rather, we should appreciate that we are sometimes weak and selfish where we should be obedient and loving servants. Just because you imagine God will tolerate certain sins does not make it the case. Sexual sins are of a serious “matter” and thus can be mortal.
Jacinta, on March 7, 2016 at 5:40 pm said:

I suffer from scrupulosity, yet I am so tormented with the fear of this sin against Jesus that I don’t know how to help myself or who can help me that I am afraid that this is slowly affecting my mind.

I pray daily which also includes the prayer to St Michael and the Litany of the Precious Blood of Jesus. As well, I say the Mercy Novena, read the bible and say the rosary, yet this word keeps cropping into my head.

How can I be assured that God will forgive me.

FATHER JOE: There can be no assurance to those who do not trust Jesus and his promises. If you have a real personal and corporate relationship with Jesus then you know his mercy is real. Jesus loves you. God knows your heart.
Little Lamb, on March 7, 2016 at 3:12 pm said:

Dear Father,

I was severely abused starting at age 13 and ending at age 19 by a family member. I have never told anyone. I am worried that by not telling anyone, it makes me a sinner. I don’t want to tell, but feel sometimes like I am being dishonest by not doing so. I have personally forgiven my abuser, and feel as though somehow the experience has made me a stronger person, but I can’t get over the feelings of being sinful in the eyes of God, dishonest to my husband, and other family members by not disclosing it to them. Am I required to speak of this during confession? What approach would you take if you were told of something like this? I am afraid but want to be right in the eyes of God. Thank you.

FATHER JOE: You were not responsible for the abuse. But can you be sure that your abuser did not hurt others? Might others suffer now from his sinful manipulation? Forgiveness is sometimes not enough. Was the abuser even contrite, given the long duration of the crimes? I would suggest not only telling someone you trust but also that you report the abuse to the legal authorities for investigation and prosecution.
Anthony Davi, on March 7, 2016 at 10:14 am said:

Dear Father Joe,
In the scripture verse below, could the Catholic interpretation of verse 13 be referring to Purgatory instead of Hell?

Since no one but a believer that has repented of their sins could actually be at the wedding feast, could it just be that the man who was not wearing the wedding clothes just needed purgation in Purgatory? I have read Purgatory describes as the wash-room, where we shed our dirty clothes and plunge into a hot bath before entering the majestic palace of the King.

I have understood that the scripture below is generally thought to refer to Hell. Could verse 13 be Purgatory? What are your thoughts about this verse?

Anthony

11 “But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. 12 He asked, ‘How did you get in here without wedding clothes, friend?’ The man was speechless.

13 “Then the king told the attendants, ‘Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

14 “For many are invited, but few are chosen.”

FATHER JOE: No, the man is shut out from the marriage banquet… literally the kingdom. The traditional interpretation is the correct one. His fate is hell. There is a universal call to salvation. But it must be accepted. The wedding garment is free. He opts not to put it on.
Freya, on March 7, 2016 at 8:19 am said:

Hi Father! My question is about marriage. Are we supposed to tell other people’s secrets to our spouses?

FATHER JOE: Generally we should keep our confidences. Some of us are trained to do so, as with professional secrecy and the seal of confession. Your wife should know about you. But you should not pass idle gossip to anyone.
Colleen, on March 7, 2016 at 3:55 am said:

In Ontario March 9/2016 is the Day of Confessions. I am afraid to approach my parish priest about this question. I am a divorced Catholic, remarried outside of the Catholic church. My first marriage was not annulled. Am i able to participate in the Sacrament of Reconciliation? Am i able to receive Communion?

FATHER JOE: Unless the discipline changes, you should refrain from Holy Communion. You should talk with your priest about a possible annulment. If you should become free (an annulment or death of a spouse) the priest could then absolve your sins and con-validate your marriage. That would allow you to return to the sacraments. In any case, you should still attend weekly Sunday Mass.
Michelle, on March 6, 2016 at 8:18 pm said:

I know you can offer a plenary indulgence for a soul, but can I offer a plenary indulgence for the living?

FATHER JOE: These indulgences can be applied either to yourself or to the souls of the dead. They cannot be applied to other living persons.
MMcC, on March 5, 2016 at 12:21 pm said:

I went to confession to confession a single of pride committed less than 30 mins after receiving Holy Communion. I didn’t tell the priest it had been only early that morning since my last confession because I was embarrassed to admit it – I deliberately said ‘since my last confession’ hoping he wouldn’t ask me to elaborate (which he didn’t as he was hard of hearing). It was only later it dawned on me that I probably just committed a sin of deliberate omission, thus not only invalidating my confession but possibly having made it worse by committing a mortal sin. I am now in anguish and too ashamed to go back to confession tonight because that would make it 3 confessions in one day. Can you please advise me, Father as I don’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to commit a mortal sin.

FATHER JOE: Loosen up… a good act of contrition suffices for venial sins… break the cycle of scrupulosity. Anxiety about such things will steal the joy from living.
Alex, on March 4, 2016 at 7:42 pm said:

I have been with my husband for 8 years now and we have two wonderful children. For at least 6 years ( that I am aware of ) my husband has cheated on me with many women. Whenever I have found out we talk, I forgive and he promises to be faithful, but it always happens again. I have stuck through this for 6 years. Forgiving over and over, is it wrong of me to divorce him or should I continue to forgive him.

FATHER JOE: There is no way that I could answer such a life-changing question based upon four lines of information. Indeed, while I can speak to basic questions of morality and/or render assistance to cases known to me, I shy away from interfering with the relationships of married couples and their families. You should probably address this to your local pastor. Have the two of you ever explored marital counseling? Forgiveness is great but it seems your husband has a problem that has never been addressed. Why does he do what he does? I would usually urge exploring every possibility before calling it quits. But you know better than I what is going on. Infidelity is abusive both to the relationship and the spouse.
Genelle, on March 3, 2016 at 11:25 pm said:

Hello father, I need help. I am 13 yrs and I need help. I have a problem, I keep doing the sin of masturbation. I feel horribly guilty after doing it and I really, really want to stop! I’m usely considered the nice person and people never would have thought of me doing it but I do! I want to talk to a preist at my church but I am to affraid so I’m doing this, and this is even hard for me to do! I am a girl. Please don’t give me a hard time, I am trying very hard not to do it anymore but I still need the guidence from a preist. Thank you so much, and thank you for the help.

FATHER JOE: Boys and girls alike are human and struggle with many of the same weaknesses. There are hormonal and bodily changes as you enter into adulthood. It is all new and exciting and yet also hard to control. While Catholic morality takes seriously any kind of sexual misconduct, the Church is also well aware of how good kids can have a hard time managing their emerging sexuality. Do not hate yourself or your womanhood. It is a precious and wonderful gift. The pleasure associated with sexuality is part of God’s plan to draw men and women to marriage and to give a special joy to their passion for one another. Right now it is all very new to you, and maybe a bit frightening. Do what you can to nurture purity but always be ready to seek help from the sacrament of penance. Do not be embarrassed to speak with the priest in Confession. He has heard it all before and would want you to have God’s merciful grace during this time. Most mothers are good to turn to at this stage of life. They have been there before you and have wisdom to share. God bless you!
Liz, on March 2, 2016 at 9:48 pm said:

Dear Father, I am struggling in my current relationship. My partner and I have three kids and we have been living together for 12 years. I recently found out he’s been having an affair. We were recently looking to get married through the Catholic Church. When it came time to go into church and speak with our priest he refused to go inside and we stepped out. Should I end this relationship? I’m feeling lost and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be living like this anymore. I wish to have God’s blessing. Of course, the cheating has also made me feel horrible; but I was willing to forgive him and try and work through this. Can you help me find a solution? Thanks in advance, Father.

FATHER JOE:

Having invested twelve years of your life in this relationship, you must move carefully. Whatever happens, this man will always be the father of your three children. That means you will never be able to fully walk away. I do not know the degree of infidelity, but now that it has come out, it should be explored. Was it a one-time fling or a moment of weakness or was it a sustained relationship? How does he feel about this other person? What are his feelings and sense of commitment to you? Forgiveness requires a degree of contrition and amendment of life from him and the willingness for you to put the wrong behind you. Is this the case? Why is it he will not see the priest? Does he doubt the strength of the relationship? Does he love someone else? Is he ashamed of his transgression? If the reluctance emerges from shame then there is hope. Let him know that priests are no strangers to the human condition and the darkness that pursues even the best of us. If he is uncertain or suffers a divided heart, then I foresee more troubled waters for you. You have a right to a marriage sanctioned by both the State and the Church. Is he a Catholic? Our Lord gives graces to married couples. Those in unions that feign marriage are not given these spiritual helps. Of course, those in sacramental marriages can face hurdles and need counseling. There is not much you can do unless he accompanies you. If you break up, can you materially sustain yourself and your children?

Talk with your local parish priest. He may be aware of neighborhood resources for you. The Church would prefer that you move from living in sin to a righteous relationship with God. If this man has no intention of marrying you and is not committed to a lifelong faithful union, then maybe it is time to move on? Not knowing all the dynamics of the situation, I cannot say if there is further deception and/or possible exploitation.

Real men are faithful to their commitments. They seek to make their wives happy and secure. They love and nurture their families. They are committed to both the material and spiritual health of their households. You deserve a real man. Can this guy you are now with step up to be that man? Be a good mother and do what you can. Before you act, try to get a clear picture as to what is going on. But do not allow anyone to take wrongful advantage of you.

Many prayers!
Hurt, on March 2, 2016 at 2:04 pm said:

Dear Father, Thank you for providing the opportunity to ask you a question online! I am currently struggling with a relationship with my mother. She is a cradle Catholic (as am I). A few years ago, she chose to have an affair on my father and divorce. She remarried (outside the church) the man who she had the affair with and I am still having trouble accepting the reality of what they chose to do. She thinks we (her kids) should just accept this person as our new stepfather and everything should be perfect. I personally am having a very hard time with this, because I don’t agree with any of it, and I feel as though it has really hurt me and my relationship with her. She talks of nothing except how wonderful he is, and her problems she has with his family for being the woman who broke up his first marriage (she seems to think they should accept her and not think of her as the “other woman”). She does not act like a mother anymore. I feel as though I can’t have a relationship with her because of all of this. How do I handle this gracefully and the right way?

FATHER JOE: I take it you are an adult. She cannot make you accept something that you know is morally wrong. However, you can remain courteous and you can pray for them.
Nick, on March 2, 2016 at 3:06 am said:

How could one still be a catholic if there was no Roman Catholic church near them or in their area? For example someone who lives in the rural Mississippi area or someone in North Korea or a country where catholicism is illegal. How would they be able to carry out the sacraments and become a Catholic when they simply couldn’t due to their location? What happens in this situation when the person knows they should become a Catholic but simply can’t due to his or her circumstances? Thank you.

FATHER JOE: First, there are martyrs to the faith. Second, the Church does exist as an underground institution in many places. If there is no priest, one would continue to say his prayers and practice his faith as best as he is able.