Ask a Priest

5,442 Responses

Cameron, on July 27, 2015 at 6:08 pm said:

Father Joe,

My family and I (wife and two children) are going to be beginning our local parishes RCIA program in September of this year to become members of the Church. My wife and are baptized as Baptists and our children are not yet at all. My question pertains to remarriage and the RCIA program and process. This is rather embarrassing for us but because of our ages in the beginning of our relationship, we were just really immature. I will try to summarize the situation as best I can what our issue may or may not be:

1. My wife and I have each only ever been married to each other.

2. We have been married and divorced (all marriages were performed by a judge) four times total. Three divorces, four marriages (we are currently married). Our current marriage took place in 2013.

As I stated, we have both been baptized as Christians (her as a baby, non-Catholic, and myself in 2007 as a Baptist by immersion) but none of our marriages were ever performed by any church or clergy.

My question is since we have only ever been married to each other, despite our divorces, will we have to apply for any annulments or anything like that prior to coming into the Church?

From everything I could find online, it seems that in the Church’s eyes, our divorces never counted in the first place and since we never married anyone but each other, we’ve basically just always been together.

I appreciate your taking the time to help me out with this confusing (and embarrassing question).

Thanks,

Cameron

FATHER JOE: I am not sure I understand… are you saying that you and your wife have been married to each other four times with three divorces in-between? If so that is more than a little unusual and may require some counseling. As for the standing of your marriage, the Catholic Church recognizes the marriages of Protestants, even before a judge. You would need neither an annulment nor a con-validation. You are married.
catholicgirl, on July 27, 2015 at 2:39 pm said:

Dear Fr Joe,
Should a serious faithful catholic stock and sell condoms in a bar they own even if pressured by government public health officials?
Another related question are you culpable if as a faithful catholic you have a business to rent rooms for lodging during the day and overnight considering most of the customers will be sinning by adultery in these rooms.
Thanks and God bless you.

FATHER JOE: Public health officials who would force owners of bars to supply condoms should be reported for misusing their authority. As for rooms, you may have little control over what people do in them. Reputable places charge by the day and not by the hour. The latter would probably be morally culpable.
chinonye, on July 27, 2015 at 8:30 am said:

Hello Father
I wanted to get your perspective on enduring suffering for the love of Christ. Does it also include enduring abusive treatment lovingly for Christ even when the abuse leeches every happiness from you? I desperately need understanding in this regard because it seems hard to suffer and smile at the same time, especially when it comes to abusive treatments at the hands of someone close to you. Does it mean that when you complain about it, then that means you re not being generous with God? Its kind of confusing. Thanks.

FATHER JOE: No one should be abused. Tolerating abuse is a failure to love yourself as God loves you. Attacks against human dignity are wrong… for others and for you.
Tim, on July 27, 2015 at 5:45 am said:

Have you ever prayed for Jesus to come back

FATHER JOE: Come Jesus, come! Of course, he is already present in his Word, in his Church and in his Sacraments.
Robin Kennedy, on July 27, 2015 at 12:55 am said:

Father Joe,
Is there any possibility, to the best of your knowledge, of a 61 year old, handicapped woman taking vows in a convent? I have researched online but am very shy about approaching any convent community.

FATHER JOE: I do not know. Traditionally, such a woman would be past the age required for formation.
Jonah, on July 25, 2015 at 5:42 pm said:

Fr., I was curious. So I just subscribed to Apple Music, and it came to my realization that as each artist gets paid for each song being streamed, some artists donate to Planned Parenthood and are Pro-Choice. My favorite band 20 years ago played for a pro-choice benefit concert. Would it be morally acceptable for me to listen to artists not knowing if they donated to Pro-Choice things. And would it just be me paying them for their music, and them choosing to do whatever they want with it?

FATHER JOE: The connection between you and what they might or might not do with the money is remote. They could just as well donate to SAVE THE WHALES or CATHOLIC CHARITIES. So there is a question of uncertainty as well. Would you stop buying medicine if all the pharmacies were also selling contraceptives? While boycotts can give a certain leverage, there are certain matters beyond our control. Would you stop paying taxes and face jail time because you disapprove with some of the things that the government does with the money? While you would be forbidden under pain of serious sin from paying for an abortion or urging a person to have one or driving them to the clinic; there is no immediate connection between buying music and actively enabling the pro-abortion movement.
Jenny, on July 25, 2015 at 3:01 am said:

Dear Father, my fiance is going through a long divorce with no end in sight. However, since the start of our relationship, we have had 2 children. I know the Church’s position on this, and our priest has recommended to live as brother and sister until we are able to get married. I am okay with this, except for one thing: I would like more children and I don’t want their ages to be that far apart. I feel being closer in age would let them bond more and would be more beneficial for them than having a large age gap. What do you see as a solution to this, while staying within the Church’s teachings?

FATHER JOE: I see no good remedy. Even living as brother and sister is problematical because passion resists being contained when there is close proximity and past intimacy. You both have obligations to the children. You cannot even start the annulment process or get a declaration of nullity until after the divorce is procured. What is the prospect about this? Is he Catholic and was he married in the Church? Sex outside marriage is wrong and you two are not married to each other. Just because you want more children is not sufficient grounds to commit further mortal sin. Sorry. Your priest was generous in saying that you could continue to cohabitate in chastity.
Tim, on July 24, 2015 at 5:09 pm said:

Dear Father Joe, I am a 21 years old guy. Due to events that occurred three years ago I started to read the Bible. After the events, I decided to stop masturbating. I don’t have a girlfriend (even though I am a nice good looking guy). It is just that I am not the “bad boy.” I tried two erotic massages and an escort but thought that Jesus would not approve. I find abstinence very hard to endure. My question is this: Is it really all that bad to go to an escort (prostitute) once a month? I suggest monthly because they are costly and I try to be economical. Thank you for your response.

FATHER JOE: Are you seriously asking this? Erotic acts and employment of a prostitute are immoral. You also involve the accomplice in a sin and damage her soul. The Scriptures are very clear about the evil of fornication. Such selfishness also reduces the person to an object that can be debased for personal pleasure. Sexual activity belongs to love of spouses in marriage.
Father Joe, on July 24, 2015 at 4:45 pm said:

TO KIMBIES

Let me offer a quick appraisal of the situation:

Your mother-in-law dissents on contraception. She denies the ministry of reconciliation that Christ gave to priests. She sees no value in the sacrifice of the Mass. She approves of abortion, which conflicts with the most basic of all doctrines, the incarnation. While she may juridically be a member of the Church, for all practical purposes, she is no longer a Catholic. But you are right to love her and it is nice that she is friendly to the family.

By contrast you say that your sister-in-law is wicked, ungrateful for favors, promiscuous and has abandoned her child. You suspect that she has had a recent abortion. Her mother, as you said is pro-abortion and has rendered approval… in other words, that her grandchild would be better off dead. Unwilling to fault her daughter, she blames others for what she has done with her life.

You want to say something to her but do not want to disrespect your mother-in-law. What do you do?

First, you need to appreciate that neither of them shares your values as a Christian. Second, you must understand that anything you say will be negatively received. Now, what do you do? Given that your husband shares your values; I would suggest that you make no secret of your faith and moral views. You can witness through family prayer and regularly practicing your faith. Let them know that they are welcome to join you at church and when the children receive sacraments. They can pray with you.

Demonstrate your pro-life standing by participation in a local baby-bottle campaign, or baby shower, or walk for life, or marching at the state house, or even praying the rosary outside an abortion clinic. If your sister-in-law has aborted a child, pray for that baby along with the child she has abandoned. You might even let her know that you are doing so. Be prepared to make a referral to Project Rachel or suggest that she find spiritual and sexual healing in Christ. Whatever you do, or decide not to do, let them both know that you love them. Remember what Jesus said, “Be not afraid.”
liz, on July 24, 2015 at 10:35 am said:

I have another question. Is it wrong to look at someone in lust even though you are not in a relationship?

FATHER JOE: Yes, because lust depersonalizes that person in our eyes as a mere object to satisfy our selfish desires.
Liz, on July 23, 2015 at 10:43 pm said:

What’s the meaning behind ” do not let your left hand know what your right hand does” ? Does it mean to literally be not too aware of giving to the needy, or does it simply mean to do it only for god?

FATHER JOE: It is a colloquialism for praying, performing good works, and living a holy life to please God… and not for show or for the accolades of men. Our Lord speaks bout this when he mentions fasting or penance.
Javier, on July 23, 2015 at 5:20 pm said:

Was the word homosexual introduce in 1940 as the latest revision of the bible? Or was there another word that was used?

FATHER JOE: What translation? Looking at the New American, the version currently used at Mass, 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10 has the word translated as “sodomites.”
Ana, on July 23, 2015 at 4:28 pm said:

Sir, is it possible God made some people for love, and others for use? If not, and I’m not of the latter, my life doesn’t make sense. Is there a verse I can read? Anything?

-Ana

PS: I didn’t call you “Father” not because I disrespect you at all, or the priesthood; I’m just too afraid to. Please understand. I don’t mean to offend.

FATHER JOE: People are subjects for love, not objects for usage. Afraid to call a priest, Father? You need help, Ana. Something is terribly wrong. You’re in my prayers.
confused janie, on July 23, 2015 at 1:41 pm said:

Dear Fr Joe,
I have always been extremely shy and didnt feel comfortable even at home with my siblings. Growing up getting through the Mass was impossible and i would rush out before the liturgy of the Eucharist began. Thank God i now attend the whole Mass with little anxiety. This said I feel like an outsider in the church community because i cant take part in ministry and small christian community activities like we have in my country.
When i see some examination of conscience questions about failure to contribute to the life of the church am unsure of my situation.
I do give financial support little though it be but i go to a church an hour away from the community i live in. Our parishes are subdivided into small groups if you need anything from the parish you are required to identify your small christian community membership even for funeral services and the like. These groups also take turns in mass readings,prayers of the faithful and taking up collections.
Sorry for the long mail.
The question is given my social incompetence and anxiety am i sinning by ommision for not being an active church member?
Thanks and God bless you fr.

FATHER JOE: Your small financial assistance is a participation in the work of the Church. I would not worry about it any further. You do what you can. God understands.
kimbies, on July 23, 2015 at 10:33 am said:

Good Day Father Joe.

I am once again hoping for your guidance, and it is again to do with my mother in law.

In my previous question, I mentioned that my mom in law is a Catholic, however her opinion is that the church is archaic and should allow the use of contraception; sees no need to confess sins to a priest or attend Sunday mass, and doesn’t seem to have a problem with abortion.

I do love her. I really do. She lives on the same property as us and is probably the most helpful woman I have ever come across. She bends over backwards for her children (for any family member for that matter), and for my husband in particular. She really is genuinely a nice person.

Now my husband’s sister is very wicked. To cut a long story short, she is 21 and has a small child of two years. She is no longer with the father although he looks after the child because she cant be bothered to. She sleeps with different mean in alarming proportions. She lies terribly to all of us, disrespects us all and we have just found out that she is pregnant, and might have had an abortion.

Now when I mentioned the subject to my mother in law, she said it would be better that my sister in law had the abortion, because she cant afford to have another child. She then went on to blame everyone under the sun for the situation that my sister in law finds herself in.

To give more depth to the situation, my sister is a slob. She cant even pick up her dirty clothes off the floor, and often when we go there we find dishes in the sink with mold growing on them. Now instead of reprimanding her, my mother in law will instead go there and clean everything up for her. My sister in law will not even utter a word of thanks, and the place will be in the same state within a couple of days.

I really feel that it is not my place to say anything to my sister. But I often boil with anger that the family allows her to carry on like this. They tip toe around her and think nothing of her having an abortion. I am always thinking that to sit back and say nothing is as bad as the abortion itself. But I would never disrespect my mother in law by saying so.

What do I do?
Sharon B, on July 22, 2015 at 7:32 pm said:

When I go to confession will I be forgiven sins that I have forgotten. I returned to the church after 20 years away..I cannot remember all the sins I am guilty of. I also get so nervous that I don’t list every sin I’m guilty of. Thankyou. Sharon B.

FATHER JOE: Yes, sins forgotten are forgiven in Confession.
Danielle, on July 22, 2015 at 5:57 pm said:

Hello father , I wanted to know if it was bad to watch a TV series that’s deals with ghost…it is called Ghost Whisperer and maybe you have heard about it but I have been wanting to know if it was a bad thing to watch it because the stories are fake and none of them hapoened . I know when I used to watch Ghost Hunters as a kid I would see this little girl in my house and I hear things but I think the noises came from my deceased grandparents so I was just wondering if it was bad for me to watch it ?

FATHER JOE: I never saw the show so I can say little about it. However, there is nothing inherently wrong with science fiction and fantasy as long as we can tell the difference with that which is real.
GRETCHEN O, on July 21, 2015 at 2:20 pm said:

DEAR FATHER, I HAVE BEEN STRUGLING WITH A VERY HARD DECISION, IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO STEP DOWN FROM BEING A MATRON OF HONOR. DUE TO THE FACT OF THE HUSBAND TO BE IS A VERY JELOUS AND CONTROLLING MAN THAT GAMBLES AND GETS LOUD WITH MY NEICE.ALSO MY SISTER HAS FOUND A BAG OF WOMANS UNDERWEAR WHILE THEY ARE MOVING. GUESS HE KEEPS WHO HE WAS WITH. I WANTED TO STAND BY HER AND SUPPORT HER. BUT MY GUT HURTS! AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO WITNESS THIS 3RD MARRIAGE FOR BOTH OF THEM. WHEN I TRUELY BELIEVE HE IS WRONG. NOW THAT I STEPPED BACK, , I STILL HURT. PLEASE HELP ME FIND PEACE IN MY DECISION. WAS I WRONG FATHER??? I WILL STILL BE GOING TO THE WEDDING.

FATHER JOE: You are within your rights not to be the matron of honor.
Aaron Augustine, on July 21, 2015 at 5:14 am said:

Hello Father Joe,

I have two questions. What does the Catholic church teach about the use of hypnosis and/ or hypnotherapy?

Secondly, I wanted to inquire about a specific branch of hypnosis known as self-hypnosis–a form of hypnosis that is self induced and makes use of self-suggestion. So my second question is…

What does the Catholic church teach about the use of self-hypnosis specifically?

I’ll appreciate any information or resources you could share with me. 🙂

FATHER JOE: Many years ago it was associated with magic or the occult. Such was rightly condemned. However, hypnosis that is used by medical professionals or for therapeutic reasons is acceptable. Obviously, anything good or neutral can be misused. It would be wrong to employ hypnosis and drugs for purposes of mind control or brain-washing.
Meagan, on July 21, 2015 at 4:31 am said:

I’m looking for a way to seek help from God. I think I have a broken soul…when I was younger I experienced a lot that pushed me away from God. But something keep calling me back, but its hard to believe with all the adversity in my life. I want to be a good person and have faith in God. I need help.

FATHER JOE: Relationships need dialogue and take place within a community. Talk to the Lord (prayer), study the Scriptures and join a church. I would recommend the spiritual richness of Catholicism and her sacraments.
Ann, on July 21, 2015 at 1:58 am said:

If my daughter who is Catholic is getting married to Lutheran and is having the Lutheran minister marry them since a priest will not marry a Carholic outside of the church ..does that mean that my daughter will become a Lutheran?

FATHER JOE: It means that your daughter will not be in good standing as a Catholic. Her marriage will not be recognized by the Catholic Church. Did she explore with a priest the possibility of a dispensation from canonical form?
Lynne, on July 20, 2015 at 7:29 pm said:

Father,

Please excuse my use of an alias as I am in the midst of a divorce case & wish to remain completely anonymous.

My husband and I see divorcing after 40 years of marriage – his infidelity and increasing problem with alcohol made it unsafe for me to remain in the marriage. Years of rehab and counseling is useless since he does not wish to seek help. We are not eligible for an annulment, and since I have no wish to remarry, this does not much matter to me.

I am concerned for my daughters, however. They are grown and married and with their own households, but they have grown so bitter and one of my daughters seems to be turning away from God. Both of my daughters witnessed my husband’s physical abuse towards me, however much I tried to shield them. They are rightfully angry with their father, but I fear that they are too angry. I have told them that their relationship with their father is separate from mine to him, and that I pray that their relationship with him will repair.

Recently, his girlfriend – who was one of the many women that he cheated on me with – moved into his new house with him. In response, my daughters have cut off all contact with him. They say that as Catholics they cannot condone adultery or his behavior to me, that her moving in was the last straw after many things between their father and them. They also do not want to expose their children to their father or his girlfriend (who is also an alcoholic) – which I can understand.

My husband blames me for this, but that is not my concern. I understand my daughters’ hurt and anger, but I am heartbroken about this estrangement. For most of their lives, he was a very good father, until his addiction got the better of him. I know he loves them. I know that deep down they must still love their father. I pray everyday that he will seek help and turn back to God.

How do I approach this subject with my daughters? To maintain some kind of contact? As their mother, I feel some responsibility to helping them through this and sometimes that feels as though I should advise against this estrangement. I know that they are adults, but it breaks my heart when I think of our happier days, and I do not want them to miss out on having their father in their lives now – or my grandchildren knowing their grandfather. I am rather at a loss. Is it not my place anymore to try to bring them together? Please pray for us.

FATHER JOE: As much as we might think that abuse to one is spared another, the truth is that your children were also damaged by what happened. Indeed, while you know your own abuse and wounds, you may not even be privy to everything they endured. Just as you need distance for healing, perhaps they feel the same? More than anger may be a factor. It sounds to me that your husband was not so much abandoned as he was a man who drove his family away. This is sad. Your daughters are adults and have a right to make their own decisions about this. There is not much you can do to change it. Encourage them to see him as a sick man who desperately needs prayer.
Kathleen, on July 20, 2015 at 6:23 pm said:

Hello Father Joe
I have a couple questions. I can’t figure out how to preach the Gospel. I know we are supposed to spread his word but I can’t figure out how to do that. I am not a minister or a public speaker. What are some other ways to do this? And my second question is how are we supposed to comfort the imprisoned? The thought of going to a prison scares me. Are there other ways of doing this? Thank you in advance for your time and insight. Kathleen

FATHER JOE: You cannot share what you do not have. The first step is to feed your own faith with prayer, religious instruction, bible study, etc. Second, you proclaim the Gospel in both words and actions. Your witness through good character and values says what words cannot. Third, sharing your faith with family, friends and co-workers can be casual and powerful. There is no need to shout from the top of a soapbox. Fourth, who are the imprisoned around you? This is not only the incarcerated (in jail) but also the elderly and sick shut-ins. Have you ever thought about volunteering at a nursing home?
caitlynnegrace, on July 20, 2015 at 3:32 pm said:

@voidval04,

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I too suffered the very same abuse for decades. Can I add a bit more to what Fr has said?

If you have faced frustration in prayers, I think it could be that even as you pray, you might be having a mental image of a Harsh God etc who will never listen to you etc.

That’s your mother’s “God”. Not Yahweh. Part of the healing from your mother’s abuses would be to start a new relationship with God. Don’t wait for magic results. God’s timing is never ours. I screamed at God for many, many years, begging and crying to understand what I had to do to be loved and accepted by her. But He was silent. Back then, I didn’t understand why. Today, I do: I was going to God on my terms. I prayed. I wanted the prayers to be answered my way.
But God doesn’t work on our terms, however unfair that may be.

So, start over. Fr Joe has given you beautiful advice. Make time to care for others through prayer. Having a mother afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD, there’s a possibility your mum has it), makes us abused kids have a tendency to pray only ONE type of prayer – the ME prayer. It’s always about us. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, the best way to heal and break your mother’s hold over you, is to train yourself to care for others. At the height of my own mother’s abuse of me, I cried out to God to take my life. Instead, Jesus appeared before me one night, and wordlessly exhorted me to Wipe His blood. I didn’t have the faintest idea of what that meant. I didn’t think of asking a priest’s counsel. 20 years later, I understand. Wipe My Blood, for me, meant that I was to go out and help others. Similarly abused or suffering other pains. Even as my situation continued unabated, the Lord wanted me to turn my heart to others. And I did. Which is why, 20 years on, I know that He truly saved me.

The blog, https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/ helped me tons in understanding my abuse situation, BUT it did not fill me with anger or bitterness. I highly recommend the blog.

I will pray you to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Mother will know what needs to be done.
Rachel, on July 18, 2015 at 9:15 pm said:

I feel like I’m on the verge of Satan himself. I said to God ” I love you”. Then I heard a voice whisper in my ear. “You make me sick”. After that I got attacked in my sleep, by a voice saying to do sexual things to my mother. Maybe every other night. These voices then turned into schizophrenia. So many things. To put it into conclusion, I see demons and hear them to. I’m 18 now. I want a exorcism. I’ve been through hell in mental hospitals. I now have taken hard meds for 3 years now, with no help with the voices. To have proof, Grandiose, or Gradios is what I was yelling uncontrolably. I went to a preist, he explained it ment grand. And so much more. I would have visions of me flying away from a dragon, and It was actually hot, like breath. “Are you the women”, “Are you Gods wife.” The would ask. Please help.

FATHER JOE: You said you saw a priest. What did he say? While I cannot say for sure if there is or is not a spiritual agency at work, I suspect that you are suffering from mental disease. Medicine has made great progress but there is no magical cure all. It may be a cross you will have to bear. Praying for you.