Ask a Priest

5,442 Responses

Joy, on July 21, 2014 at 10:07 pm said:

Father, what do I do with an incomplete Douay-Rheims Bible. I ordered and received a brand new one today. I was almost finished putting my Bible tabs in when I realized it jumped from page 226 to 243 with pages from earlier in the Bible mistakenly placed there. I called and they will send me another one out but they do NOT want me to send this one back. Should I burn it. I could just copy and replace the wrong pages when the new one comes in but this would be dishonest . I only paid for one and I’d have 2 then. I know what to do with broken Rosaries, medals etc. but I really don’t know what to do with this incomplete Bible.

FATHER JOE: There is a custom where they are buried. Some even invent ceremonials to honor “the Bible” when old books are buried, largely reading from God’s Word and giving thanks for God’s revelation to men.
Dellenite, on July 21, 2014 at 8:31 pm said:

With all the advice about what acts are moral and not moral in relationships and marriage where does one draw the line at scroupulosity? Seems you can’t be robotic and void of passion and at the same time love your spouse authentically without the notion of either sinning from action or sinning from failing to act. The distinction seems to be so fine, that everyone should fail.

FATHER JOE: Scrupulosity would be to take matters beyond what is demanded by the moral law. Because of concupiscence there is the constant danger that physical affection might degrade into something contrary to its purpose. There is a demarcation between authentic physical love between spouses and that which is not really love at all. The late Saint John Paul II argued that lust, even in marriage, was grievously sinful. He was roundly attacked by those who were no longer sensitive to the distinction, probably because of the infection of a modern secular humanism and eroticism. Lust devalues the other as an object for our own selfish satisfaction. Love elevates the beloved as a personal subject for whom we would make the most sublime sacrifice. Human sexuality is a beautiful gift, but it should never be removed from the context for which it was fashioned by God. Spouses can know that they are not alone and that they are collaborators with the Almighty in the work of creation.
Bill, on July 21, 2014 at 2:54 pm said:

Hi Father,

I’m wondering if you could talk a little bit about deciding which life path to pursue. Some days, I wake up and want to be one thing. Other days, I wake up and want to be other things. How does one choose a life path with complete conviction?

Looking forward to your response.

FATHER JOE:

The believer is called to vocations within vocations:

1. As baptized believers we are commissioned to witness and to proclaim the Good News of Christ.

2. Within this calling there are other callings. Some of these are sequential: child, student, single life, discernment, formation, dating, etc.

3. If there is a religious vocation, one may discern it early on or it may be delayed, as with many who leave careers to enter convents, monasteries, or seminaries.

4. A person may feel called to marriage. This means dating (or a better word is courtship). This is a calling directed toward a particular person. No one should get married just to get married.

Discernment requires prayer and study. It also demands a certain courage and resolve. Does one have the gifts and/or temperament for a particular vocation? A man might think he is called to the priesthood but that vocation must be affirmed by the Church. I have known men who did not have the intellectual and emotional gifts to make it work. Similarly for marriage, one must find a spouse but also be capable of fulfilling the obligations for spousal and paternal love.

As for complete conviction, this is not an emotional affair. Rather, when one is married then the conviction should be resolute… this spouse and no other until death do we part. No doubts should be entertained. Similarly the priest should accept that this is his life— period. God called, you answered and the Church confirmed it. Once ordained, the time for discernment is over. Doubts or fantasies of another life are from the devil. At this point, they are not helpful and should be discouraged.
marie, on July 21, 2014 at 6:39 am said:

Sexual intimacy is important in the vast majority of marriages and is between the individuals. It is not anyone’s business to instruct on this apart from the Bible. The apostle Paul said married couples should please each other lest one be tempted elsewhere. Couples should please each other how they can, sexual intimacy is bonding and perfectly right berween married couples. Maybe a priest isn’t the most knowlegable on this subject?

FATHER JOE:

Obviously priests would be lacking praxis in this area. However, they are well versed in Scripture and Church teaching. That is why people ask questions. I do not give my personal opinions, but try to share what the Church would teach in various situations.

Paul was a converted Pharisee. The Jews had laws against the wasting of the man’s seed. He never offered anything that rescinded this. He simply acknowledged that men and women in marriage helped each other in regards to the demand of the flesh and the desire for children.

Paul’s advice to couples (1 Corinthians 7:1-7):

Now in regard to the matters about which you wrote: “It is a good thing for a man not to touch a woman,” but because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control. This I say by way of concession, however, not as a command. Indeed, I wish everyone to be as I am, but each has a particular gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
GiacomoAl, on July 20, 2014 at 10:33 pm said:

Father Joe,

Perhaps I wasnt clear in my initial coorespondence to you. As stated, I can no longer achieve much less maintain sufficient enough ridgity to enter into the ‘natural’ conjugal union, albeit orgasm is still possible. Hence the necessity to utilize alternative practices to achieve the desired end. I fully understand your explanation and the position of the Catholic Church, that what I am doing is tantamount to masturbation and Onanism. I know what I must do.

Thank you Father Joe and God bless your ministry.
G. A. L.

FATHER Joe: Okay, it was the word consummation that confused me. I would recommend seeing a doctor to find if there is some remedy for the situation, if this remains an important element in your marital relationship. This is a matter that must be discussed with your spouse and the two of you have to come to a consensus as to how to proceed. This is not an instance where one makes a unilateral decision. What you decide to do is between the two of you and your confessor. You are married and are not your own man. You belong to your wife just as she is yours.
Ruth, on July 20, 2014 at 3:28 pm said:

You mean to say it would amount to teasing to the man involved?? I am confused..coz its my boyfriend who used to force me into foreplay because I denied intercourse..coz at least he would get some sort of satisfaction with it.

FATHER JOE: Even heavy petting between people not married is sinful. Depending upon what you mean, such actions break down reserve and either result in sexual congress or self-pollution. Look at the definition of foreplay… it comes before or prepares for or makes possible the marital act. It does not stand alone.
giacomoal, on July 20, 2014 at 3:09 pm said:

Father Joe,

Thank you for your pastoral prudence and most eloquent response to my inquiry. There is however, an important element to my query of which I am altogether uncertain. Does that fact that ‘natural’ conjugal unions have been impossible for some time, and that which has required the need for consummation outside of the vagina, place me in a state of mortal sin? Have I because of this, sacrilegiously received the Holy Eucharist countless times over these many years for which sacramental confession is now necessary?

It goes without saying that never has it been my conscious intent to put myself in proximity to sin, believing that if our physical relationship was within our marriage, that this was just the sort of thing that aging couples do. If I am mistaken, and if I have in fact incurred sin because of consummation outside of the vagina, please tell me so in no uncertain terms. From this moment forward, I wish only to confess myself, do penance and amend my life so as to never again offend our Lord. If chastity or celibacy must now replace what once was, I’m quite at peace with that. Everything has a shelf life.

I am most anxious to learn of your assessment of my circumstance. Once more, I am grateful for your time and consideration.

G. A. L.

FATHER JOE: If I am a bit vague it is because of details to which I am not privy and because of necessary tact in a public forum. As with masturbation, it is wrong but factors like ignorance, habit, human weakness, and heightened excitement can compromise a person’s moral resolve. These factors might often reduce what would be a matter of mortal sin to venial. The sin of Onanism, wasting the seed without completing the marital act, is objectively wrong. But accidents do happen and that would subtract culpability. I am not clear how you can have consummation outside of vaginal intercourse. It would seem to me that if you cannot complete the one then the other would also be impossible.
Ruth, on July 20, 2014 at 6:21 am said:

Father, I just read your reply to G.A.L.-“The moralists would permit all sorts of foreplay as long as vaginal consummation is the end result”

Does it mean that between a married couple foreplay should always result in vaginal intercourse. What if they just want to end with foreplay on a particular night? Thanks in advance.

FATHER JOE: Would that not transform the activity into a type of teasing? Catholicism arguably has a narrow focus on human sexual congress. Ejaculation deliberately outside the marital act is frowned upon as wrong.
G. A. L., on July 19, 2014 at 2:43 pm said:

Father Joe,

Bless me Father, for I find myself at somewhat of a moral dilemma, and I seek your counsel and ecclesiastical direction. Given the subject matter, I’ll attempt to be as genteel as I am capable.

I am 56 years of age as is my wife. We are married since 1980. Nearly 25 years ago, I elected to undergo a vasectomy, regrettably without my wife’s knowledge or consent. I quite simply did not wish to have any more children. I have long ago confessed the sinful folly of this ill advised decision from my youth, but that is not the focal point of this correspondence.

As most married couples, my wife and I regularly enjoyed a normal physical relationship. Now, because of physical disabilities coupled with medications and advancing years, I am not longer capable of achieving, much less maintaining, the physical requirement for ‘natural, vaginal sex with her. Out of the sheer physical necessity to do so, we must now find alternative and novel practices to enjoy one another as a couple. Of course this culminates in ejaculation in which the vagina has no role whatsoever.

A sexual relationship between us is still important. However recent publications I have read, have lead me to feel as though particularly since my vasectomy, each union we have experienced is at least where I am concerned, mortally sinful, illicit and invalid. And now, since I am no longer physically able to have vaginal sex, and for which no dysfunction pill can correct, I feel absolutely shameful and well, just plain ‘dirty’. Our physical relationship has for a quarter century now, been irreparably closed to new life. All because of my sinful decision to stop it, And now, particularly, sexual gratification is arrived at by means in which there is no ‘natural’ union. My wife and I love each other very much, and still enjoy that relationship. Where does this leave my mortal soul? Where do I go from here, and how do we conduct ourselves sexually within the realm of our marriage given what I have divulged to you? My wife is an innocent victim who should not be penalized from received sexual gratification just because I cannot provide it ‘naturally’. Am I to never ejaculate again because (1) It will never again lead to life and (2) it occurs outside of the vagina?

Thank you in advance for indulging me Father Joe, and I humbly and eagerly await four assessment of my life as well as your suggestions and/or recommendations.

G. A. L.

FATHER JOE:

The moralists would permit all sorts of foreplay as long as vaginal consummation is the end result. These acts of intimacy should not be demeaning to the dignity of the spouse. Passion between spouses in marriage should never degrade to the level of lust or the bestial. Variations on masturbation do not satisfy the obligation between spouses and are not that type of act which is by its nature open to the transmission of human life. What confuses people sometimes is that this openness is required even when the couple is no longer fertile. Spouses need to spend time in physical intimacy and because of this, sometimes things happen over which they do not have complete control. While the Church proposes general principles, it is well understood that the weakness of the flesh and the demands of marriage both come into play. Pastors only ask that couples do their best in observing the moral law. Such fidelity may not always be perfect and God understands. Of course, we must also admit that we cannot hold on to all the joys of this world. Older couples often find that with the loss of youth, the sexual life must also change or dissipate. Couples still share a life, look after each other, sleep together, cuddle and kiss… but the passion of the conjugal union is now behind them. There is often a grieving about this. It is a time for a heroic love and the witness of promises fulfilled. You still have your memories and your lasting friendship. Pray together and invoke a greater share in the gift of chastity
John, on July 18, 2014 at 1:49 am said:

Very helpful to the healing of my marriage was the RETROUVAILLE program. It is Catholic in nature. Both parties should be open to healing.
Thank you, Father Joe. http://www.retrouvaille.org/
Lisa Michelle, on July 17, 2014 at 9:54 pm said:

Father, I’ve heard conflicting opinions about the use of transcendental meditation with Christianity, even with the Church. I understand that the Church cautioned against mixing eastern traditions with Christianity. Yet, others advocate it – such as Wayne Teasdale. What are your thoughts on this? Can a Catholic practice this type of meditation.

FATHER JOE: I am well aware that there are Catholics and even priests who have adapted it for their usage. But, in my opinion, given its non-Christian roots, I would recommend staying away from it. You do not need it. Catholic meditation is not about centering upon a mantra or upon ourselves, but upon Christ. There is a definite content and we are in dialogue with God. I would suspect that TM might also be dangerous, particularly if it opens one to hostile spiritual entities. This is different from the yoga exercises that some like to practice. However, is it true yoga when physical exercises are separated from the spiritual interpretation? Exercise is one thing, but once the spiritual message is introduced, we are dealing with false worship or religion. Anyhow, that is my opinion. God bless!
Susan delrosario, on July 17, 2014 at 7:06 pm said:

What if you go to a foreign country and you don’t want to be identified as a priest because of safety— reason being to protect yourself from being killed. If I were a priest I would take my Roman collar off to be safe.

FATHER JOE: There are some countries where it is illegal for a priest to wear distinctive clothing or religious symbols. A priest would wear civvies or just not go. But sometimes you cannot help but be identified. You take the risk for the Gospel.
wanjiru, on July 17, 2014 at 6:40 pm said:

What should I do? My husband is unfaithful to me and yet I have been faithful to him. We have been married for 6 years without children. He suffers from low sperm count.

FATHER JOE: Only the two of you can determine where you go from here. The Church would urge couples to heal wounds and to forgive when possible.
Ricky McMurtrey, on July 16, 2014 at 3:09 pm said:

I’m having trouble finding a verse that Iv been looking for. All I can remember is it was something like “and he knew he could not slow the spread of gods word and so the devil used music and entertainment to help”.. I’m quite off on that whole verse but that’s the gist of it. If you could please help me to recall this verse I would be greatful! Thank you! God bless you!

FATHER JOE: I have no clue about it. Sorry.
Jessica, on July 16, 2014 at 12:59 am said:

Father,

I know two unbaptized people who marry have a natural marriage. Two Catholics (or any baptized persons) who marry have a sacramental marriage.

Question: Never-married Catholic friend civilly marries a Catholic girl who is civilly divorced (but no annulment through the Church)- Is this a natural or sacramental marriage?

I am confused because she had to be free to contract marriage under Canon Law, and I do not think she is. Plus then she would have two sacramental marriages at the same time (one valid – the first; the other invalid – the second). However, aren’t all marriages valid by the church until declared invalid?

I know the marriage is invalid (and lacked form) because the marriage was not performed under canon law.

Thank you

FATHER JOE: A Catholic with a non-Catholic or two Catholics must marry in the Church for it to be recognized as licit and valid. If a baptized or unbaptized person marries an unbaptized person, it is not a sacrament but a natural bond. Answering your question, your friend is NOT married at all for two reasons: 1.) Catholics must be married before a priest or deacon in church with two witnesses, and 2.) as we do not recognize divorce, your friend cannot marry someone else’s spouse. The Church would regard it as an adulterous relationship. (I am presuming that the woman’s first marriage was in the Church.)
Kate Thorp, on July 15, 2014 at 3:14 pm said:

Good morning, I am Roman Catholic and my fiancé is Jewish. We wish to get married in my Roman Catholic Church and my fiancé was wondering if he would be allowed to wear his yarmulke. We haven’t asked our priest yet but just wanted to know if you had any thoughts on this. We don’t want to disrespect anyone so we thought if we had some views it would make asking our priest easier.

FATHER JOE: There is no issue with him wearing a yarmulke. You would still have to make preparations with the priest and the Catholic ritual would have to be followed. While this would satisfy the demands of Catholicism, the marriage would not be recognized in the Jewish community. This issue might be insurmountable in that the Catholic must promise to do all possible to raise any children as Catholic. The Jewish faith makes a similar demand. There are, however, a few rabbis who will marry Jewish/Gentile couples with a priest in attendance and in a neutral setting, like a hotel. This would require the proper dispensations but might be possible. I know of only one rabbi in the Washington area who will do this and he is very expensive. There are a number of famous Catholic-Jewish couples. The news anchor, Ted Koppel from ABC is Jewish with a Catholic family. I think his kids went to Catholic University in DC. I wish you well.
Jenni M.S., on July 15, 2014 at 1:31 pm said:

My point about the sanctity of life after birth is that it applies to all people including women and children caught in any kind of domestic abuse. There is so much talk these days about preserving the “dignity of marriage,” and I think: if only as many people would be as vehemently opposed to domestic abuse as they are to gay marriage if they really want to defend marriage. A woman speaks of abuse and the response is, well, that’s only your side to the story, you’re problem is that you’re probably just depressed…. Some say a child’s precociousness seduces adults…blah blah. But the truth is, it’s sick, it should be unacceptable. Period. Jesus said: What you’ve done to the least of these, you’ve done to me. Women and children don’t need to be silenced or learn how to accept injustice quietly. Men need to man up and take care of their families–THAT is the Christian way.

FATHER JOE:

I am not sure where you live in the world, but it has been my experience that people are increasingly alert and responsive to cases of domestic abuse. I was involved with a ministry where we housed women (and their small children) at a special shelter to shield them from retaliation when they reported abusive husbands and boyfriends. There is even a heightened sensitivity to verbal and emotional abuse that does not leave visible scars or bruises. The Church does operate counseling and other social services for women (and sometimes men) who have been wronged. Catholicism is dedicated to the sanctity of life and to the dignity of persons. Our pro-life ethic touches many dimensions of the human experience. However, this would not diminish the gravity of intervening for the lives of the unborn.

While I have faulted efforts at preserving the “dignity of marriage” as too narrowly focused against homosexual unions; the truth is that marriage is also threatened by rampant adultery, pornography, contraception, and no-fault divorce. Marriage has been threatened for a very long time.

Did you report abuse and someone blamed depression? I think most professionals take allegations very seriously. The same goes for cases of child molestation. The latter are routinely reported (immediately) to the police. There are many moral issues that face us as Christians. Addressing one does not mean to overlook another.
Ruth, on July 15, 2014 at 5:55 am said:

Hello father,
I just read the post relating to the seal of confession. Now just imagine an instance where I have stolen money from the church collection, and since long the priest and his workers have been worried about this trying to figure out who did it. Now one day I go to confession and tell the priest that it is I who have been stealing this money. What is he supposed to do?? especially since this is a huge amount??

FATHER JOE: The priest would urge the penitent to make restitution (return what was stolen). However, the priest cannot violate the seal, no matter what the amount.
Joshua McElhinney, on July 15, 2014 at 1:59 am said:

I’m planning on being baptized, I just have to wait the appropriate time. Thank you, father.
Joshua McElhinney, on July 15, 2014 at 12:50 am said:

My family isn’t religious like I am so I don’t think I’ve been baptized, can I still be called Christian?

FATHER JOE: You may be a believer in Christ, and as such should continue to learn and pray. Eventually, you should find a church and take formal instructions. If you come to a Catholic parish, and if it is your decision, you would be offered baptism, first holy communion and confirmation. Christians place their faith in Jesus, believe in the mystery of the Trinity and get baptized. I will be praying for you.
JesusSaves, on July 14, 2014 at 11:27 pm said:

The Catholic Church highly persecuted anyone who opposed them. All people who opposed them were called heretics, not because these people were doing something wrong but because they did not submit to the Catholic Church.

FATHER JOE:

Heresy is grievous doctrinal deviation. One cannot dissent upon basic doctrines and still purport to be a Catholic in good standing. It is always wrong for Catholics to dismiss or to corrupt the teachings passed down from Christ in the Church.

The Catholic Church did not allow anyone to read the Bible and the excuse for that was that the people could not interpret scripture for themselves but the Bible teaches us that we have the Holy Spirit to lead us in our lives John 16 and the Faith has been entrusted to all God’s saints.

FATHER JOE:

This is false. The Catholic Church preserved and preached upon the Scriptures. The same Holy Spirit that inspired the Word of God also guided the bishops of the Church in the selection of the canon and the translation of the Bible. This same Spirit protected and guided the bishops (Magisterium) in the right interpretation of the Bible. The “sola scriptura” notion of certain Protestants never worked; the thousands of Protestant denominations with varying interpretations are proof that individual interpretation is not certain. Those who claim that Catholicism prohibited Bible ownership and reading are wrong. Before the printing press, bibles were copied by hand, took years to produce and where very valuable. The Church chained Scriptures in churches so that they might not be stolen and thus deprive communities of the saving Word. Many people were also illiterate and they could not read. This made preaching, teaching and even art all the more important. Stained-glass windows often displayed the bible stories.

People did not read the bible as today but when they started to read it more, they started challenging the false teachings in the Catholic Church.

FATHER JOE:

The Church also circulated bibles when the printing press made them more available. Unfortunately, many non-Catholic bibles were not only missing books but were sometimes poorly translated. These defective bibles were prohibited by Catholic authorities. Similarly, Catholics were forbidden to join anti-Catholic bible societies which misused the Bible so as to ridicule traditional and long-accepted Christian teachings.
JesusSaves, on July 14, 2014 at 10:14 pm said:

The system of the priesthood was voided in the Old Testament. The Catholic Church still adheres to the system of the Old Testament priesthood where the priests were mediators between God and men. According to the New Testament priesthood, all Christians belong to the priesthood but the Catholic Church still makes that distinction between the clergy and lay man.

FATHER JOE:

Whoever taught you this, taught you wrong. Catholicism teaches that the old priesthood has passed way. Christ is our high priest who offers the sacrifice of his life once-and-for-all upon the Cross. We speak of an entirely different priesthood, first in terms of our faith and baptism as a priestly people anointed by God; and second, with a ministerial priesthood where apostolic men perpetuate the saving work of Jesus through the Lord’s Supper that Jesus commanded be repeated in “remembrance” of him. This remembrance or memory is not nostalgia but rather understood by another word, anamnesis. That which is recalled is made present. All ordained priests of the Catholic Church participate in the one priesthood of Jesus Christ. The Mass is an unbloody or clean re-presentation of the sacrifice of Calvary. It allows us to be present at the redemptive act of Christ and to offer ourselves with him as an acceptable oblation to the Father.
Telfer Preston, on July 14, 2014 at 9:52 pm said:

If half of all the Catholics in the world were praying to Mary at once, who will she be listening to? Please do not say she is omnipresent.

FATHER JOE:

This is actually a good question, related to that of intercessory prayer in general and how all prayer finds in God its proper object. There is a genuine mystery as how saints might hear petitions and pray for us to God. Is there a spiritual affinity or power given them by God? Does God allow them to hear prayers through him, given their unity with God and communion with others? I would suspect it is the latter. As for the great number of supplications, we must remember that while Mary and the other saints are creatures, they have been translated into eternity. They no longer strictly live in time. As such they would not have to be omnipresent to hear our many prayers. It is sufficient that they should be with God in heaven.

Jesus is our Savior and Lord but none of us come to God alone. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross, despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:1-2). I am also reminded of Revelation 5:6-8: “Then I saw standing in the midst of the throne and the four living creatures and the elders, a Lamb that seemed to have been slain. He had seven horns and seven eyes; these are the seven spirits of God sent out into the whole world. He came and received the scroll from the right hand of the one who sat on the throne. When he took it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each of the elders held a harp and gold bowls filled with incense, which are the prayers of the holy ones.”
Anonymous, on July 14, 2014 at 6:13 pm said:

Thanks for replying, Father. From what I’ve heard, the identity of the penitent has to be made known. I mean, there are a lot of boys who could be wearing a blue shirt. (Anonymous who asked about the seal of confession)
Tony, on July 14, 2014 at 2:33 pm said:

Dear Father, I guess you have heard about Maria Simma and the purgatory souls that came to see her. What do you think about it ? Do you believe in what she said? Many thanks, Tony

FATHER JOE: I know very little about her. It would be the stuff of private revelation. Can the souls of purgatory appear to the living? It may very well be so, but such would come as God’s will and that of the soul. We are forbidden to invoke or summon them as is done in the occult.