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NEW MESSAGES/HOMILIES CHRISTIAN REFLECTIONS DEFENDING THE FAITH
Blogger Priest 
So, if I had a boy/girlfriend who WAS a girl, but now is a guy….Can I marry them?
Or at least date? If not, could I get any kind if special privileges by asking the pope?
If I married him/her would if be a mortal sin? Would I be excommunicated?
PS: I’m a girl.
Hello Father Joe,
I hope all is well. I have a few questions that have been stirring over the last couple of weeks, and would very much like to get your advice…
Do you recommend any particular, studies, books or prayers, etc… that may help us strengthen our belief, faith and devotion / Adoration to The Blessed Sacrament?
Do you recommend Consecration to Jesus through Mary for those fighting strong temptations – those in need of a battle plan? If so, are there certains methods or readings you would prescribe to help us on our journey, especially in understanding this devotion and what it requires from us?
Lastly, for plenary indulgence during the Year of Faith, one of the things asked for us to do is “(D) On any day they chose, during the Year of Faith, if they make a pious visit to the baptistery, or other place in which they received the Sacrament of Baptism, and there renew their baptismal promises in any legitimate form.” How does one renew their Baptismal vows? Would this be done during a Mass with Baptisms, or could the vows be said privately before or after Mass?
Thank you very much Father Joe for your time and patience. God Bless you!
Fr. Joe, I have not been able to summon the courage to speak with our priests in our parish about this issue so I hope you are able to answer it. My husband and I share a blessed marriage; we’ve been together since high school, have six children together, would welcome many more and enjoy a blessed sexual relationship. We are, occasionally, able to achieve orgasm together and do not engage in any illicit forms of intercourse. My question is about the periods of time when we are not able to both be satisfied and I know it hurts my husband’s feelings when he knows he’s been too quick or that I’m suffering in that area so I don’t bring it to his attention anymore. I have confessed the sin of impurity many times; it is almost always a matter of finishing what we started together but what he has finished already. I truly intend, as my Act of Contrition states, to avoid the near occasions of sin but the occasion for this sin is the marital act with my husband which simply didn’t last long enough. He has not been receptive to my suggestion of him helping me finish once he is done so I don’t bring it up anymore. Is it a mortal sin to bring about my own satisfaction once we’ve completed intercourse? I do confess this sin each time I commit it. I am bothered by the aspect that a man is ensured satisfaction in the act (at least in our situation) but a woman is not and I can’t help thinking that God must understand. I don’t engage in self-stimulation outside of the times we are together and our marital act is finished and it isn’t all of the time— but there are definitely times of weakness. Any thoughts or advice would be most welcome. Thank you.
I am a 23 year old college graduate living with my parents. I cannot afford to live on my own due to my financial situation though I do have a steady job. My mother in particular is extremely narcissistic and emotionally abusive to me. She ignores me when I am around, she does not care to hear about my successes or my lows, she barely speaks to me even when I initiate conversation, she invalidates my feelings and as a result i feel incredibly guilty and trapped. I am happy and energetic and successful when I am at my job, with my boyfriend, or with his family. I am the complete opposite when I am at my house. It effects me so much to the point of physical illness, weight loss, and inability to perform at my job (something I am naturally good at too) or be functional as a person in anyway. This is something that has been steady and even building since my high school years. I cannot talk to my parents about this, especially my mother because I am dismissed and invalidated immediately. As for my father, he is an enabler by definition. Things got so bad this weekend that I started to contemplate removing myself from their home. My only option at the moment is seemingly to move in with my boyfriend, who I plan to marry someday, but I am so afraid of hurting my relationship with God. I do not have a female companion that I can share rent with. I feel so trapped and confused as to why I am experiencing this from my parents. I cannot take the tension and constant anxiety of living with them. I don’t know what else to do. Is it a bad decision to move in with my boyfriend so I/ we can carry on with my/ our lives?
Father, I’ve been having trouble recognizing when we should admonish the sinner. I have a friend who is not Catholic, and we have been best friends for many years. Lately, I find it harder and harder to be her friend because we have very few of the same values. She considers herself Christian, but does not actually practice any sort of religion. She lives with her boyfriend and uses the birth control pill.
Before she moved in her with her boyfriend, which was months ago, she asked me what I thought about it. I said I was worried about it for x, y, and z reasons. Then she began to ask me if because of my religion I disagreed with it. I began to answer, she got called back to work and had to hang up. She texted thanking me for being so “approving.” I have no idea how she thought I approved! I told her that just because I disagreed with it didn’t mean I would let it interfere with our friendship. My mom was sitting nearby, and when the conversation was over I was worried I hadn’t said enough. My mom said she thought I said what I needed to say to discourage their moving in together. Regardless, they moved in together shortly after.
Additionally, before she got on the pill, I warned her about the dangers of it. her gynecologist also warned her about how dangerous birth control was in general, and even told her she would rather her get pregnant than be on birth control. I can’t remember, but I may or may not have told her that some birth control pills can cause abortion. I really don’t remember. I have struggled ever since with whether or not I should bring up the fact that the pill, which she is on, can prevent implantation and cause an abortion in rare instances. I finally decided if I got the chance I would tell her. She brought up her pill the other day, and I knew I had a chance to say something. However, I panicked and had NO idea what to tell her! The moment passed quickly and she changed the subject. I’m so afraid that I sinned gravely for not saying anything. I have posted information about the dangers of birth control including abortion on a Facebook page that I KNOW she is a part of. Whether she has read the information, I do not know. But I know it’s very possible she could have seen it. I have also heard the box for birth control SAYS that the pill can prevent implantation. But I have no idea if she knows this, still.
I’m so confused on this whole issue. She has rejected my beliefs in the past about these issues, and I’m unsure of whether I need to say anything more, especially about the pill causing abortion, or not because I don’t know if she knows that, or if she would believe it. I tend to be scrupulous, so I’m unsure if I’m simply clinging to my anxiety and robbing myself of God’s peace, or if I actually have a moral obligation to bring the truth to her attention.
Thank you.
Father, tell me if this is wrong. I got to daily Mass a few days a week, and I like to get there in time for rosary before Mass starts. Because I have only a limited amount of time to be away from work, I usually leave Mass after communion/before the final blessing. Leaving before the blessing……….is that wrong? Would it be better to miss the rosary in order to stay after mass? Thank you.
Fr. Joe, thank you for the thoughtful response. I’m starting to think it’d be prudent to hear Father’s side of this someday soon so I could stop agonizing over it. Maybe it’s important that I do.
I know Father isn’t exclusively mine (especially since he’s actually a parish priest, not a college chaplain, so he has many more “sheep” to shepherd), and I’m very happy it’s that way. It’s part of why he feels safe. It’s just that I’m concerned when I feel such a strong need for his care specifically sometimes, when it’s especially dark, so I try not to ask for it until it gets unbearable and even then I’d sometimes put it off. In those times, I’m realizing that I get tempted to give up, and think untrue/uncharitable things, like “this probably isn’t all that important”, “Father’s busy with important priestly things; you’re being a pest, Ana”, or even “he probably wouldn’t care anyways; why should he?”. Those thoughts go away when I remind myself of all the times he’d helped and shown that he does care about my soul and my feelings, but taking account of those thoughts, I’m going about this all wrong, aren’t I?
We are suppose to refrain from unnecessary servile work on Sundays. Is that also true for holy days of obligation?
If we go to Mass on Saturday afternoon instead of Sunday morning, that doesn’t make the Saturday the Sabbath, does it? I assume that we could still work on Saturday, but refrain from unnecessary servile work on Sunday.
Speaking of holy days, I wonder why Good Friday was not made a holy day of obligation.
I have been watching lots of videos on Youtube about the Vatican, particularly videos of the Sistine Chapel Choir. I love watching videos of the Sistine Chapel Choir performing.
Then, the other day, it dawned on me that I don’t really know in most cases if I am watching a video that is violating copyright. Some of these videos appear to be home movies that someone took of a recital. It’s not clear if they have permission to upload these videos to Youtube. Maybe the Vatican or the Church where they were recorded doesn’t want them doing this.
Other videos appear more polished and may be professional videos where it’s not even clear who made them. Maybe they are being used without the video maker’s permission.
On the one hand, I really benefit spiritually by watching these videos of the Choir. But on the other hand, am I sinning by watching videos that may be in violation of the Vatican’s copyright?
FATHER JOE: Actually the previous Pope was very much on the side of making the cultural and spiritual riches of the faith widely available to all. I suspect that just as the news media cover events with pictures and video, so too might pilgrims. I think covering papal liturgies and talks is of a different order from pirating the latest movies. But you do bring up an interesting question and one that is frequently discussed because of the nature of the new media.
Thank you for your reply to my previous post. I have something else that came up maybe you can help me with. I have intrusive thoughts that do not come “willfully”. So I have had this trouble since seventh grade of going to confession and as SOON as my sins are forgiven my mind has a little mental tic and in my brain I say the forbidden word G.D. (pardon this please as I don’t even like to write the initials).. Basically it’s the worst thing I could possibly think and would make me the most upset… because it is very upsetting and frustrating to not be able to control a thought like that. It’s obviously the opposite of how I really feel. It’s one of those anxiety things… anyways do you think God forgives you or hopefully does not even count it as a sin if you can’t help it? It certainly does not come from my heart when those words come into my head. It has definitely decreased the amount of times I go to confession, because the closer I try to get to God the more the thought will come. I know I should believe and have faith that he knows I can’t help this and it’s not breaking the second commandment.
As of last year I started cursing Mary out when I pray the rosary. How horrible is that?!! I don’t want to think those thoughts, they certainly are opposite of how I feel, but that is how intrusive thoughts work… it makes it hard to pray the rosary. I still pray it but it makes it more stressful and harder to connect. I don’t pray it as intently as I would like to because I am all stressed over the inner voices tossing off swear words to the Queen of Heaven and Earth! It’s really no fun at all when this happens. 😦
I would feel better with some reassurance, or it would be nice to know I am not the only one who has these problems. Have ever heard of this problem before? (Sorry this post is a bit spastic!) Much Thanks!!
Hi Father Joe, I am wondering so many things.. I am thrilled I found this site.. Is it a mortal sin to miss weekly mass? Because I thought God wanted us to go for the right reasons, to praise him, and not because we “had to go”… it feels like a threat almost… but I know its not intended to be thought of as such… can you explain the rationale behind this and help me understand whether or not it is a mortal sin or not and if it is what the importance behind it is… so it doesn’t feel like a threat? Thanks!! 🙂
I was wondering about the age limit on baptism, and would it make a difference to be baptised later?
Father, thank you for your rapid and detailed answers to my questions about dating and divorce. To make sure that I understand you, I’ll give two examples:
1. Two Lutherans get married in a Lutheran church or in a courthouse and later get divorced. I would not be free to date the woman unless there was an annulment.
2. A Catholic marries a Lutheran in a Lutheran church or in a courthouse, without a dispensation from the bishop, and later gets divorced. I would be free to date the woman, whether she was the Lutheran or the Catholic.
Father I have read the bible already? Can I read other apocryphal books to gain further insights on other matters such as the gospel of nicodemus (acts of Pilate), I hear it was quoted by justin martyr, and others, now I know it’s apocryphal am I prohibited from reading such books and also the book of Enoch? I’m very interested in early writings.
I am a single Catholic man, age 73, and I’m trying to understand whom I’m allowed to date.
I know that if a Catholic marries in a Catholic church and later gets a divorce, she is considered to be still married by the Catholic Church (unless there has been an annulment).
1. Suppose the Catholic was not married in a Catholic church. Maybe the marriage took place in another church or in a civil ceremony, and she later gets a divorce? Would that make a difference?
2. Suppose she was raised a Catholic, but left the church before getting married. If she later gets a divorce, would that make a difference?
3. Suppose she was never a Catholic and got married in another church or in a civil ceremony. If she later gets a divorce, would that make a difference?
Would I be committing adultery if I dated someone who is not a widow or one of the few women who, like myself, have never been married (or a woman with an annulment)?
Dear Fr. Joe,
Thank you for having this Q & A. I’d discovered you from your “Priests, Women, and the Heart” article on your old blog.
I’d wanted to ask you something from the part in your article where you’d said that priests who start to have an attachment to women they counsel should break off contact, but not necessarily for older priests who share a sort of father-daughter friendship with young women they counsel.
For a bit of background info, I’m almost in my mid-twenties, and the priest I’m going to talk about is in his late forties. I’d received spiritual guidance from him for about a year now. Over the course of time, I started to have a strong daughterly affection for him. We do get along, sure, but this affection has mostly to do, I think, with all the good he’s done for me; it’s not really an exaggeration when I say that this priest saved my life as well as my soul. I don’t want to say too much on the details of that, to protect him and the priesthood from any scandal from anyone who’d read this. I will say this much: all my life, the biggest rules in my family were/are “don’t feel” and “don’t tell.” (I don’t really want to say exactly what I wasn’t supposed to “feel” or “tell” about, even though I have a certain amount of anonymity. I hope it goes enough without saying). By the time I decided to actually break the “don’t tell” rule to this priest, I was really at the end of my rope. I don’t know why God had me wait as long as I did to send him; but knowing what little I do about how God writes our stories, while it was a long wait, it was right on time. Since that first talk, this priest has been looking out for me, leading me out of that dark place I was stuck inside with little fatherly nudges here and there when I’d visit.
He gives this sort of care to just about all of his parishioners (which is why many of us love and respect him as much as we do). But through the care he’s given me, I experienced what I believe is what God intended love to be (doing what’s truly best for someone, and not just what “feels” right/good for someone) for the first time since before I can remember, if there was a time. I’m not saying that he’s perfect, of course, but after a lifetime of what many has described as “toxic” love, it was like breathing pure air for the first time.
So, all that said, that brings me to what I wanted to ask about: I never did learn what holy, healthy boundaries are, and while I am learning them now, I have very little confidence in my abilities to maintain them. Father has never expressed that I was stepping over any lines, nor has anyone who knows us both I’d asked (ps: I only asked 1-3 people, and only ones I knew I could trust). I was brought up to see priests as untouchable, only to be heard and seen at a distance. This is even in the literal sense – Father would give parishioners, particularly ones he’s friends with, fatherly/brotherly pats on the shoulder, chaste hugs, hearty handshakes etc., but I’m sometimes afraid to even touch him because I feel like I would dirty him or his calling somehow. I know how much the priesthood has suffered from scandal and such, and there are things in my background that makes me fear all the more of seeming (Heaven forbid!) “too interested”, especially in a priest, even more so in Father. I desperately don’t want anything bad to happen to him or his vocation because of me, but I also don’t want to forget that priests are humans, too.
I think about Jesus, how approachable He’d made Himself, like when He had the apostles bring the children over to be with Him as they tried to shoo the children away. I feel this might be how God wants me to be with Father, but like I said, I don’t trust myself to know better. I feel like I can trust your advice though, so anything you can tell me about what a good father/daughter friendship between a priest and a parishioner looks like in detail would (hopefully) ease some of this worry I have. I do have the fear that you’ll say something that’d hurt, like avoid him, so please pray that I accept the grace God would offer in that situation to understand and do what’s right.
God bless,
-Ana
PS: I’m sorry that it’s a bit wordy – this is actually the short version, haha.
Hi, not sure if this is where I ask a question. But I have been put in a very difficult situation. My 18 year old niece has confided in me that she is pregnant and has made up her mind not to have the baby. I have tried to get her to reconsider and have prayed for God to change her heart. I myself am currently pregnant, and she has asked that I go with her because she doesn’t want to be alone. This decision is causing me horrible spiritual, emotional and physical stress. I don’t want to support her choice but I don’t want to abandon my niece in her time of need. I’m scared though if I go with her that the stress will affect my baby, and my soul. Please help, what does the church advise I do?
I was wondering if someone was practicing their faith, then strayed from the path of jesus, then came back and strayed again, could they keep being forgiven until they learn their lesson?
I have a follow-up about how to confess sins of impurity which I mentioned earlier. Lots of people, including me, hate to use the “M” word. If I commit that sin, I want to confess without getting vulgar or using disturbing words. Is there any problem with confessing to “sins of impurity with myself” since that is the way this sin was confessed in earlier times? Isn’t it true than any priest will know what I mean?
Hi Fr. Joe,
I was wondering about excommunication. I understand that certain acts (ex, abortion) lead to automatic excommunication, and that mortal sin in some sense excommunicates us all. But I almost never see explicit excommunication. For example, you have a post about Fr. Ken Roberts, who allegedly sexually assaulted some children and continues to put himself forward as a priest in good standing despite his bishop’s instructions. So I guess my question is, why isn’t excommunication used in such cases?
Thanks, and love the blog! -Alex
Thanks Father for your reply concerning the images (actually pictures, not statues, which I perhaps did not make clear). Just one follow-up. When you say go to Confession, I assume you are saying that I do not need to mention the presence of images of a sacred nature in my room. I would just need to confess specific sins against the 6th commandment and not mention anything about having pictures of Jesus and Mary in the same room. Is that correct?
I guess my thinking was that having these pictures somehow magnifies my sin, almost like doing something bad in a Church makes it worse. But since I never went to Catholic school I really have no idea if this is true. Obviously my room is not a Church even if I place some pictures of Jesus and Mary inside.
By the way, I really enjoy the way you respond to people and I look forward to reading your blog in the future. Thank you.
Recently I was struggling somewhat with sins against the 6th commandment. To help me resist I put images of Jesus and the Virgin Mary in my bedroom. I also began to pray the Rosary (5 decades) every day. However on several occasions I failed to pray the Rosary, and instead watched internet porn and committed sins of impurity. On the first occasion I turned the images around so they could not “look at me” while I sinned, as silly as that might seem. On the second occasion I simply put the images in a drawer. Now that I am praying the Rosary every day I am no longer tempted so often to sin against the 6th commandment (thank God) and if I am, I have more than enough power to resist. But I feel very worried that I have somehow profaned or committed sacrilege against those images. What should I do with them? Do I need to confess that I somehow committed sacrilege against Jesus and Mary’s images? Sorry if this seems like a childish question but it has really been worrying me. I’m afraid to bring the pictures out of the drawer and restore them to their place looking over me.
I was told that children who die without having being baptized go to limbo, a part of hell in which there is no hell fire. The other day I stumbled upon an article that said that in the last 40 years there’s been an estimated 1.72 billion abortions worldwide. Now my question is, can a child be baptized in the womb of the mother, I mean that’s the least they can do for the child if they are going to have an abortion.
thank you so much Father i will keep you in my prayers to.
Father, I have done so many things in my life that are bad that I feel so bad to go to church that even confession would not rid me. I just feel lost and helpless. I feel I have lost touch and betrayed my best friend.