Ask a Priest

5,442 Responses

helenl, on November 18, 2016 at 5:31 pm said:

Father Joe, I am still amazed at how clearly you answer these questions. Many of your answers help me grow. Thank you for this ministry.
LittleMrs, on November 18, 2016 at 3:48 pm said:

Hi Fr. Joe,
I hope you’ve been well. I have a question regarding the holidays that I’ve been really struggling with, and I would appreciate your insight. It’s not really religious in nature, but just more along the lines of how to be a “Good Christian” in this situation.

My biological dad is a narcissist, and left my mom when I was around 7. He never remarried and has been single for the past 5 years or so. When he had a girlfriend, he never invited us over for the holidays. Now that he has been single, every holiday stresses me out because he somehow manages to invite himself over to where my husband and I will be.

Our relationship has always been one-sided. He thinks he is a perfect father, and I think he is completely self-centered. He talks about himself incessantly and how great he is, even though he is virtually unemployed and (I suspect) living on handouts from his 90 year old mother.

The struggle I feel is that while he is my biological dad and it’s the holidays, I really don’t want to see him. He makes the entire duration of the visit miserable and he expects me to entertain him while I’m preparing the holiday meal.

To top it all off, my husband and I do not host Thanksgiving or Christmas, but my biological dad always emails the host and invites himself over for the dinner. The host is always gracious and extends the invitation, but it always causes tension because I’m not the only one who feels this way.

How do I deal with the feelings I’m having? I want to be nice because “it’s the holidays” but I just can’t get over my uncomfort with the whole situation. It puts me in a very awkward position because I’m expected to smooth everything over.

Thank you!

FATHER JOE: Has anyone ever sat down with him and discussed the matter? I suspect a difficult situation has been made worse because of silence and passivity. Think the situation out and have a family conference. Feelings are going to be hurt. Tough things are going to be said. But sometimes honesty compels us to be courageous and forthright. That applies to everyone in the family. He may be blind to his selfishness. It may be difficult or impossible to change at this point. But who knows? Other points to consider are these: resentment, anger, and of course the BIG one, love. Does he love you? Do you love him? He may not be the only person called to look at the heart and to reform. Hope it works out.

Peace!
Latasha Klein, on November 16, 2016 at 9:08 pm said:

I was just wondering how you know your God is the right god to worship when 100s of other gods exist in other religions? For If I worship the wrong one won’t I go to hell?

FATHER JOE: Not all religions believe in hell. Catholicism seeks to know and to love God through divine revelation in Sacred Scripture and in Sacred Tradition, through natural reason and reflection upon the Created Order, through the guidance of the Magisterium and the Church that abides generation after generation, through the heroic testimony and witness of believers, and through our own supernatural faith and prayer where our Lord forgives us and forms a relationship with us. Our faith is lived out in obedience and charity. We experience the miracles and the saving presence of God, especially in the sacraments and the Eucharist. As temples of the Holy Spirit we have a sense of calling and communion with God as in a spiritual family.
Bob Turnbull, on November 16, 2016 at 2:26 pm said:

Fr. Joe:
We know that through Confession we are absolved of our sins and that we leave the confessional with the grace of the Sacrament. However, I understand that a penitent will carry from the confessional a “residual” for his/her sinfulness that must be removed from the soul before entering heaven. Purgatory provides that cleansing. I presume that those good actions here on earth before death will contribute to that “cleansing” as would indulgences from our own actions and those of others for us (after death) would also assist us on our journey to heaven.

If the above comments are correct, then how can each of us not be somewhat distressed and depressed knowing that what we have done in our lives must still be accounted for after death before entering heaven. I realize that one should be comforted knowing that there is a path to heaven but only after some period suffering in Purgatory.

How can one not feel a helplessness about this? On one hand, one can come to the realization that through a life of prayer and the Sacraments we have the path to heaven; but, that no matter what we do, unless we are a saint, what we have done in the past is baggage that cannot be left behind after death. On one had we receive forgiveness but on the other there is still a price to be paid for the lives we have lived.

FATHER JOE: Sins can be forgiven by the sacrament and by an act of contrition. The sacrament of penance offers certain graces to help us in our discipleship. If one feels bad about the so-called “residual” as you put it, the sentiment is demonstrative of our own selfishness. How much do we want Jesus to do for us? Is it not enough that he suffered his passion and crucifixion for you and me? We deserve nothing. We brought sin, pain, death and alienation from God upon ourselves. Most of the work is done by Christ. We have everything we need in the Church to become holy saints. But we have to cooperate with the Lord and be disposed to his mercy. Confession gives us the absolution of Christ. We are healed, not only as individuals but as members or cells of the Church community. What sometimes remain are two elements: temporal punishment due to sin and the tendency (habit) to sin. Ours is a jealous God. If there is a vice or bad habit then there is something in us that does not want to be good or to be joined to God. Our hearts must belong wholly to the Lord. Correcting this disorientation is a factor of purgation. All sin or rebellion cries out for punishment. That is an essential reason why the Confessor gives us a penance. It also fits into the Lenten practices of abstinence and fasting. The soul may be healed but we are spiritual-corporeal composites. The flesh must also be healed or mortified. Death may catch us with the stain of a VENIAL sin upon our souls. This too would have to be cleansed or purged as nothing of the darkness can enter the full light of Christ. As we approach the loving fire of God, that which does not belong is melted away. Yes, I suspect it hurts, because unlike a stain on our clothes, this blemish is like a spiritual cancer, hidden within us. But the souls of purgatory are joyous. They know that their salvation is assured. They want to be made perfect so that they can enter into the divine presence. Do you not want such a transformation?
Janice, on November 16, 2016 at 1:05 am said:

Father Joe,

While sitting with our son in the chemo room today a Eucharistic Minister came around to give communion to the patients and family members there. After giving Communion to my son she asked me if I would like to receive communion. I told her I had JUST eaten a candy bar. She said in the circumstances we were in it was OK to receive so I did. Did I commit a sin?

FATHER JOE: I doubt that an extraordinary minister has the authority to mitigate the Eucharistic fast; however, there may be a diocesan allowance from the bishop in reference to the sick and those with them. Given what she told you, I would surmise that NO sin was committed. Do not fret.
eliza, on November 15, 2016 at 7:49 pm said:

Dear Father,

I am involved in a complicated relationship that has Catholicism as its root “problem.” I will make it as brief as possible.

When I started dating my (now ex) boyfriend, “John,” I told him I was Catholic and that sex was not going to happen until marriage. He (not a Catholic) accepted this, but as time went on and we spent more and more time together, we did give into the temptation of sex. We stopped completely after a few months (I felt so guilty every time and always went to confession and prayed about it), but we continued to sleep in the same bed, and though we had different houses, we essentially lived together. I enjoyed it, but a gnawing feeling inside me told me it was wrong. As we neared our one-year anniversary, I told John I wanted him to know more about Catholicism before we got more serious and became engaged. I told him we had to be more pure. We stopped living together, and John, feeling rejected and hurt, cut off affection for me out of resentment.

John feels I have been dishonest and hypocritical. I have been hypocritical, but he seems unable (or unwilling?) to accept my reasoning for acting the way I did, and for now wanting to purify our relationship. I try to explain my beliefs to him, but I’m afraid my poor representation of what it means to be a Catholic has ruined everything, and I can’t really blame him. We are currently broken up, because I could not stand him not being affectionate to me anymore, but I’m afraid by being a terrible Catholic, I may have ruined the faith for him for forever. He wants me back, and I worry the only way I can make this right is to date him again (I’m unsure of my feelings for him now) and show him what it means to be Catholic.

Any advice for be greatly appreciated.

FATHER JOE: What is done is done. A basic question that should be asked is where do the two of you see this relationship going? There was blame enough to go around. You took to yourselves elements of intimacy that short-circuit courtship and which belong to marriage. In that sense there was indeed hypocrisy and dishonesty. You say that he wants you back but you are now unsure of your feelings about him. You have to be honest with each other. Catholicism is not the problem. Catholicism is a part of your identity. The two of you need to better understand yourselves and what you want.
c'est moi, on November 14, 2016 at 11:49 am said:

How can we know that God loves us when he keeps letting terrible things happen? There are millions of minorities in terrible fear of what will happen to them post election. Why does God let such things happen?

FATHER JOE: The reason is original and personal sin. We violated freedom and brought disharmony to creation. We live in a broken world. Mercy for one may seem as injustice to another. Had Mrs. Clinton won, would you be lamenting that she supports abortion and partial birth infanticide? We had two flawed candidates. Half the country would have been upset, no matter who won. Are some afraid of President-Elect Trump due to concerns about prejudice or is the fear more generic, about the penalties faced when we violate law and order? I have my worries, but I love my country and have decided to wait and see.
patrick, on November 13, 2016 at 4:00 pm said:

https://www.greatagain.gov/policy/healthcare.html

Take a look at the second bullet point. Trump’s website.

Just thought you would like to know that Trump does have a pro life message on his website.

FATHER JOE: Glad to see it. It looks like Pence is doing his job. Reference to the unborn disappeared from President-Elect Trump’s previous website: https://www.donaldjtrump.com/
Eric, on November 13, 2016 at 3:39 am said:

Hello,
I’m a pharmacy major in college and I’m working as a pharmacy tech at CVS. What I’m wondering is is it wrong to have chosen this as a major because I’m Catholic? Also, is it okay to sell contraception because I don’t know if they are using it for contraceptive purposes, they could be using it for a legitimate medical reason and so should I also ask them what they’re using it for to make sure they’re not using it for contraceptive purposes? And I know that some contraceptives have some abortifacient properties as well, so I’m also wondering if it’s wrong to sell these even though I’m not selling them for abortifacient purposes. Also, is it a sin to sell abortifacients for non-abortifacient purposes? Although legally I’m not allowed to ask what they’re using these drugs for, but morally speaking, should I?
Thank you

FATHER JOE: I have signed letters attesting to the fact that certain Catholic pharmacists cannot and do not want to distribute abortifacients on religious and moral grounds and thus should be exempt. These appeals usually go through their unions. I cannot promise that the government and all institutions will always respect such reservations.
Adrian, on November 12, 2016 at 11:09 pm said:

Father Joe

Im struggling with sexual thoughts. Most of the time I have them under control, but sometimes I give in, entertain them for a few seconds, and then try to vanish them from my head. Once I gave in, entertained a few thoughts, then tried to stop thinking of them. I thought that by releasing a few of these lustful thoughts for a few seconds was helpful for my state of mind, but after I felt guilty of them. I tried not to dwell on them, but it was the mere essence of giving in that I think was wrong. Am I in a state of sin? what should I do?

FATHER JOE: Improper thoughts that quickly flash through our minds or which give momentary satisfaction are probably no more than venial sin and may not be sinful at all. We must be careful not to curse the human condition.
Sarah, on November 12, 2016 at 6:07 pm said:

Re: Jeff’s comment on Nov. 9. What if a person was baptized by his parents as a child but doesn’t believe? Is the baptism itself enough to save him from Hell?

FATHER JOE: Baptism does not equate to automatic salvation. We have to cooperate with grace. Faith must be lived out in obedience and charity. Reaching the age of reason and maturing into adulthood changes the dynamics of discipleship. Faith should be nurtured. Unfortunately, faith can also sour. That is what makes despair such a terrible sin. Faith can never legitimately be separated from hope and love.
Janice, on November 12, 2016 at 6:04 pm said:

Adding to my earlier post about Father Pavone

“In a statement sent Tuesday to the Washington Post, Pavone said that his actions caused “no small controversy,” and his followers have made overwhelmingly positive comments.
“My followers agree that the truth about abortion has to be seen, because the word has lost all its meaning,” he wrote. “We sanitize it.”
He said his efforts were part of a 9-day effort to get voters to vote for pro-life Republicans.
“In the chapel were only me and the baby, whose funeral has already been held and who has been laid to rest,” he said. “No family were present, because they rejected the child and had him killed. His body would have been thrown in the garbage had we not accepted it.”

FATHER JOE: Nothing he says can justify what he did. I am sure most bishops would be unhappy. Many priests are shocked by such use of the altar and a child’s corpse. Some time back, his fervent followers even encouraged him to break his vow of obedience to his bishop. The New York Archdiocese has disassociated itself from him for his failure to make financial reforms in his organization. I see many problems and this is just the latest. We cannot reduce the Church to a branch of the Republican party. We should be encouraging faithful pro-life Catholics to get involved with both parties.
Janice, on November 12, 2016 at 5:58 pm said:

Father Joe,

I am a cradle to grave, womb to tomb, practicing devout Roman Catholic. I am super conservative and 100% pro-life in EVERY situation from conception to natural death. I am just very unsure about this particular situation.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/11/11/diocese-investigates-texas-priest-for-aborted-fetus-video.html

I understand WHY he did it as abortion needs to be seen in its entire truth, but I don’t know if the way he did it was OK. I am torn with this act by Father Pavone. The child was given to him by a pathologist and a funeral was held for the child. I pray for him and all in his organization (I get mail from them ALL the time) because I KNOW he speaks for the unborn and wants every single unborn child to be given a chance at life. I realize he was trying to put the plain and ugly hard facts right before as many people as possible but I’m just not sure if I should support what he did.

FATHER JOE: I really think Fr. Pavone should hand the reins of his pro-life ministry to someone else. It is past time for him to return to parish ministry. He needs closer ties to a parish and greater guidance from his bishop. What do I think about his recent actions? Catholicism teaches that the ends does not necessarily justify the means. This is such a case. He violated canon law by his wrongful use of the altar. He also reduced a dead child to a political prop. I am sure that he meant well; but I think he made a tragic mistake. He has also overly associated his ministry with the campaign of President-Elect Trump. While Mr. Trump claims to be pro-life, he makes all sorts of exceptions (rape, incest and the life of the mother). In other words, the sins of a father or even the psychological life of the distressed mother can invalidate an innocent child’s inalienable right to life.
Benjamin barrett, on November 11, 2016 at 9:59 pm said:

Sir, I am very worried. I was trying to say something when a thought popped up into my mind and I accidentally said hail Satan. I’m very worried because I don’t want to go to hell. I’m a saved man, but I’ve heard of the unpardonable sin. Please help!

FATHER JOE: The unpardonable sin is despair that ends with self destruction… and even that requires hatred of God and neighbor. Tell God you are sorry. God wants to forgive you… he is the Divine Mercy.
Shy Molina, on November 10, 2016 at 11:28 am said:

Father, what is your short and own description of Holy Trinity for you? Thanks

FATHER JOE: That which comes with the Sign of the Cross is best…”the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” Do you mean theological formula? If so, classic Chalcedon is simplest… “three divine persons in one divine nature.”
Muhammad, on November 10, 2016 at 12:38 am said:

Bulk of people follow the faith of their parents.You coudl have been a Muslim if you were born in a Muslim home and I be a catholic if I was born in a catholic home.This being a truth ,it opens door to another truthful question.Is it not therefore important that to reach to God we should study our and then other people’s faith.Have you read Quran,the only divine book that is unchanged and original to this day?What can you tell me about christianity as faith that puts it above other faiths?

FATHER JOE: The Koran even misrepresents the Trinity believed by Christians. As a Catholic I believe that the Old Testament (Hebrew Scriptures) and the New Testament (Christian Scriptures) are inspired by God. I respect the Islamic people, but I do not believe their holy book is inspired or inerrant. It is of fallible human authorship. God revealed himself in a world of error and false belief. Historically, Judaism and Catholicism are true religions where God revealed himself. Islam came later and is a composite of the two, with the addition of various tribal and folk beliefs popular at the time of Mohammad. Truths borrowed from Christianity and Judaism remain true in Islam, albeit mixed with error.
Rebecca, on November 10, 2016 at 12:29 am said:

Dear Father:

Our country has just elected a man who looks after himself alone, who acts without faith and love in every aspect of his life, who takes joy in demeaning, objectifying, and hurting others, and prioritizes the pursuit of profit and vanity above all other things.

A simple question (though not necessarily with a simple answer, I’m sure): why would God let this happen?

FATHER JOE: God does not control either the popular vote or the electoral college. Maybe it is an opportunity to pray for him so that he might know repentance and conversion? Remember, in God’s eyes one person means as much as the 300 million. Our society with its idolatry of fame, fortune and power made President-Elect Trump. He is of our creation and both parties are to blame. Maybe this is God’s opportunity to humble him and to change us all? I suspect that many do not like him because they see too much of themselves and their sins in him… even the secret ones. As to why people voted for him, there are many reasons. I suspect that for eight years there was a segment of the US population that was hurting, losing ground, and feeling that no one in Washington really cared. Desperate people want change and are not always particular about how it comes about. Peace!
Natalie, on November 9, 2016 at 10:45 pm said:

Hello brother Joe! In regards to your answer to this question, when you says “no one is saved apart from Christ and his church”, I assume you mean the Catholic Church. Does this mean that all non Catholics don’t have a chance? Thank you!

FATHER JOE: First, when the reformers broke away from Catholicism, they took elements of the Church’s faith with them (like baptism, the Trinity, a relationship with Jesus, the Bible, etc.) These are saving elements and signify that the link with Catholicism is not completely severed. Second, the Catholic Church prays for “separated brethren” in her orations and liturgies. This is particularly the case in the Good Friday Liturgy. We would not do so unless we saw hope for non-Catholic Christians. (Remember, Catholics themselves do not interpret membership as an absolute assurance of salvation… some talk the talk but do not walk the walk.) If we truly walk with the Lord observing a saving faith lived out in obedience and charity, then we can truly possess “a sure and certain hope” of salvation in Christ.
Jeff, on November 9, 2016 at 1:04 am said:

What does the Church teach about what happens to a person who has never heard about Christ when they died? E.G. an African (or other) living where there is no Christianity?

FATHER JOE: It would be pretty hard for someone not to know of Christ today. As to what happens to a person who dies ignorant of Christ, that is up to God. There is no guarantee for supposed believers either. Catholics, Protestants, Moslems, Hindus, Buddhists and anyone else could still go to hell. We have to cooperate with grace. Faith must be realized. Believers hope for their salvation in Christ. Christ is the Savior. JESUS is the saving name. The Catholic Church is the great saving sacrament of encounter with Christ. None are saved apart from Christ and his Church.
Jared, on November 8, 2016 at 2:42 pm said:

Is being in an exclusive romantic relationship wrong if you hope to but don’t know if and when you will get married? If two love each other is it okay to ask God to keep them together and join them in marriage someday? I’m caught in a conflict between “you don’t even know if your call is marriage, forget about her being your spouse” and “if it is something good, ask and you shall receive”

FATHER JOE: As a celibate priest I would defer to others the dynamics of courtship and romantic relationships. I would urge chastity, self-sacrifice and mutual understanding or honest dialogue.
Ray, on November 6, 2016 at 7:17 pm said:

FR in reply to Choney, here is a web site that might help. scrupulousanonymous.org
Choney, on November 6, 2016 at 12:10 am said:

Dear tether Joe… I was recently diagnosed with OCD and anxiety but religious OCD so I fear that the devil is always trying to process me …. I’m Catholic I love god and I was baptized and received first communion… I’m scared to death … I remind myself god loves me and will protect me and I can’t control my thoughts but I’m afraid

FATHER JOE: Other than medication and prayer, there is not much you can do about the OCD induced scrupulosity. No matter how it makes you feel in terms of body chemistry, struggle to maintain the truth intellectually that God loves you, showers you with mercy and protects you. God is far stronger than the devil. Try to find courage in the power of Jesus Christ to help allay fears. I will keep you in prayer.
Polina, on November 5, 2016 at 4:12 pm said:

Dear Father Joe , I wanted to ask you about consequences of abortion…can any excuses be counted if a woman decided to make this step ? Her material situation , absence of the father and his undesire to take part in the destiny of a child , If any justification for a woman that has done abortion, and what should she do to clean her soul up ? Regards….

FATHER JOE: God is merciful and understanding but abortion can never be morally justified. The only caveat might be double-effect where a child unfortunately dies as an unwanted repercussion of treatment for an illness like cancer. It is heroic for a mother to place a higher value upon her child’s life than her own. A child is innocent and pregnancy does not make him or her an unjust aggressor from the aftermath of rape. I know children who were the product of assault (fairly rare) and they are precious and wonderful people. I know people who suffer from Downs and other defects… but they are human and also have a right to life. If a woman does not have the assets to take care of a child, there are many good and holy families (and the Church) ready to take and provide for that child. Yes, there are too many dead-beat fathers, but every child can call upon our Father in heaven. God does not forget his children. If a Catholic woman has an abortion she should repent and make restitution. Counseling is available for women grieving during the post-abortion period. Catholic women will need the censure of excommunication removed and absolution in Confession. Amendment of life would have them become advocates for life.
Ruta, on November 4, 2016 at 8:32 pm said:

Hey. Today me and my mother have found a cross in our jard today and she told me that in the same spot she already had found a cross and burried it in the cemetery. What should we do with the cross? Is that a sign of a curse? Please let me know soon….

FATHER JOE: Crosses are signs of God’s mercy and graciousness. It would be wrong to make anything else of it, as did the Nazis (with the twisted cross) and the Klan (with a cross on fire). It is not properly a sign of hatred or of a curse. See it as blessing.
greg, on November 4, 2016 at 12:12 pm said:

Dear Father Joe, my daughter asked me a question about the sovereignty of God and mans free will. I was a little stumped on how to explain it. She is wanting to know if God is in control then how do we have free will, and if God is sovereign then why so many tragedies in the world. I tried my best to explain but I feel I didn’t do a very good Job, hopefully you can give a better answer, thanks so much for all you do for us.

FATHER JOE:

There is a lot of confusion on this topic, even in the thinking of mature believers. The response that irks me most is when people say, “It is God’s will” without further clarification and without concern as to how it affects the respondent. What do I mean? Let me explain.

A crying woman reveals, “I was violently raped last night.”

A devastated couple asks, “Why would God give us a child only to let our baby die?”

Victims of a tornado walk around in a daze, thinking, “I have lost everything. My home, mementos, and my neighborhood— they are all gone.”

Now, imagine how you would feel if the only answer you got back was, “It is God’s will.” It would not suffice. It clashes with our notion of a good and loving God.

How do we really make sense of it?

Years ago my deacon was pistol-whipped and robbed on the way to Mass. He was left unconscious on the sidewalk. Soon thereafter, when he recovered, he had to preach. We worried how it might have affected him. He began by saying, “You all know what happened to me. I guess I have every reason to hate those young men. But I am a Christian. I am struggling to love them. I want to forgive them.” I suspect that the true will of God was not so much in the attack but by the virtuous response of the deacon. The Gospel requires us to imitate Christ. He tells us to love those who hate us and to forgive those who hurt us. More than anything else, this is what makes us into signs of contradiction.

Theologians speak of God’s direct and passive will. God directly desires certain things like obedience to the commandments and the life of charity. God indirectly wills or PERMITS both moral and natural evil. Original sin is understood as invoking disharmony in nature. Suffering and death enter the world. There is alienation or a breech from God. We can understand this better by looking at Christ and his saving work. The Father did not directly will that his Son be tortured and murdered. However, such became the mechanism of our redemption. The heavenly Father willed that his Son would be faithful. This is where his providence was truly centered. God allowed us to either accept or to reject him. It is the test of the Garden all over again. However, this time God was not going to take NO for an answer. His Son, as both man and God, would respond for us. Sin and death entered the world from a living tree; grace and eternal life would be restored upon the dead tree of the Cross.

The sovereignty of God is indeed understood as rule and control. Nothing happens without His direction or permission. Human freedom is both a wonderful and a terrible gift. When people are hurting, no answer really suffices. All we can give to them is our presence. Jesus does this by his solidarity with us in the Cross. While sin and death have been conquered, we will struggle with the consequences until the consummation of the world. We can add our struggles and pain to that of Christ’s Passion and death. We can offer ourselves with the Lord as an acceptable sacrifice or oblation to the Father. God is not masochistic. He does not desire pain and death for their own sakes. Such would be a monstrous deity, not really God at all. He wants us to be like Jesus, faithful.

God’s sovereignty does not promise perfect happiness in this world. However, in the next any testing will be completed. The choices will be made and they will be unalterable. God sees us but he is outside of time in the eternal now. We only view a small portion of his plan. God sustains creation and sees all that there is to see. Divine providence cannot be thwarted. He will draw straight lines from our crooked ones. He will extract good from our evil. There may be battles along the way where evil seems to get the upper hand. However, we are assured that God’s direct will ultimately triumphs.

I rattle on about what the faith regards as a profound mystery. But what we need to know is that Divine Providence draws to itself everything he directly wills and everything he allows us to do. The big picture is where this providence is fully realized. God does not directly will evil. That would be impossible. But he does allow us genuine freedom. When we disobey God, we damage ourselves and the harmony of nature. Christ comes to repair what was broken, to restore what was lost.