I fell deeply and madly in love with the Catholic Church several years ago.

Without going in to great detail I am unable to obtain annulments to my previous two marriages (no witnesses).

I am currently married now to a Catholic man and attend Mass and pray for spiritual communion.

I have never been baptized. Now, I was told I have terminal cancer and three or four months to live.

Can I now be baptized and possibly receive communion and anointing. I love the Catholic Church so much.

Thank you and God Bless.

FATHER JOE:

Many questions make it hard to answer you.

You were married twice before but you have no witnesses whatsoever? By law there had to be at least two witnesses for the ceremonies. Are there any family members still living who could share thoughts about you getting married or who were privy to the problems? Did any neighbors hear you fighting? Are there any children from these prior bonds? I suspect maybe you defined witnesses too narrowly.

How closely did you work with the priest assisting you in writing your requests, depositions and essays? Where are these documents now? Were the cases ever formally submitted to the Tribunal or did you just give up?

You write that you are in an “attempted marriage” now with a Catholic. While it is noble that you go to Mass, you are correct that the most you can do is remain in your pew and pray for a spiritual communion. Your “spouse” is in the same situation. Were you married in a religious or civil ceremony? Was he married before?

It is noted that you were never baptized. In certain situations marriages can be dissolved in favor of the faith for a potential convert. Did no one explore this possibility with you? Were any of the prior bonds to a Catholic? Were any of the prior bonds witnessed by a priest or deacon in the Catholic Church?

You would have to speak to your local priest now that the juridical process seems mute. You may not have enough time remaining for either an annulment or a dissolution. As your condition worsens, and marital intimacy is no longer possible between you and your “husband,” the priest should be at liberty to give you Baptism, Confirmation and Holy Communion. That is about the best that can be done since any other leniency would compromise the teaching from Christ about the indissolubility and permanence of marriage. Please talk to your local Catholic priest immediately.

I will keep you in prayer.

Thank you so much for your reply, it was very helpful. I hope I didn’t make you to uncomfortable with my questions.

What I’ve been reading is online articles and blogs. I haven’t heard a priest say this kind of stuff personally, but people online have posted stuff about how their getting married and their priest told them this. I realized this was probably the priests personal opinion, and not actual church doctrine. I wish I could remember where exactly I read these things but unfortunately, I can not. The rest is just different things I’ve heard and wanted to clarify on. I actually should have said religious people because one of the people I was talking about is a nun. Her name is Sister Margaret Farley. She wrote a book on sexuality called ‘Just Love.’ After posting this I found out that she had actually gotten in trouble with the Church for what she wrote. If you Google her name you can read about it for yourself.

Thanks again Father for taking the time to reply and for the reading list I really appreciate it.

God Bless.

FATHER JOE: Yes, Sister Farley’s book, Just Love: A Framework for Christian Sexual Ethics was formally censured by the Holy See as in conflict with Catholic teaching and as unsuitable for instruction in Catholic schools. She dissents on many issues, including contraception and the prohibition against women’s ordination. God bless and take care.

FATHER JOE:

What are you reading? Can you name the priests who see no limits? A blog can only say so much. There are renegade priests who say all sorts of nonsense. There are good and bad books on the subject. I would recommend:

Catholic Sexual Ethics: A Summary, Explanation, & Defense by William E. May, Rev. Ronald Lawler O.F.M Cap. & Joseph Boyle Jr.

Good News About Sex and Marriage: Answers to Your Honest Questions About Catholic Teaching by Christopher West and Charles J. Chaput O.F.M.Cap.

Sex and the Marriage Covenant by John F. Kippley.

Things have become so deluded Father, I just want to make sure I’m getting the right information. If you could please clear a few things up for me it would be really great.

FATHER JOE: Not being married ourselves, celibate priests increasingly prefer to pass these types of intimate questions to Catholic lay ethicists or teachers. We are intensely aware that book-learning or insights from counseling are not the same as actually living out marital love. We would also hope that married laity would respect our celibacy just as we grant married people their privacy as couples. However, you are right; there are certain important principles of right and wrong for believers.

1.) Is it okay for a married couple to use oral sex as a means of stimulation during intercourse as long as the male doesn’t ejaculate?

FATHER JOE: Many Catholic moralists would argue that oral stimulation is permitted as either a preparatory act to vaginal intercourse or as a means to facilitate its closure to the satisfaction of the wife. However, like digital manipulation, it cannot be pursued as an ends all to itself. Having said this, accidents happen given that the human body is not entirely under our control.

2.) Is it okay for the female to orgasm before and/or after intercourse? If so, how many times.

FATHER JOE: Authorities usually limit their discussion to the male where climax results in ejaculation. As long as female excitement is immediately contingent upon the marital act, I doubt that the Church would have any major concerns. It is my understanding that there is some wide variation in how this intimacy is experienced.

3.) Is it okay for the male to enter his wife’s vagina from behind? I personally have always found this to be demeaning. I think to have sex from this position makes it more mechanical and animalistic, than unitive and marital.

FATHER JOE: Because of the intensely personal elements, face-to-face is preferred. Given body-shapes and logistics, I doubt there is anything absolutely definitive about this. But you are correct, that we must steer away from an animalistic or strictly mechanical understanding of the marital act. There is donation and reception between persons, not things or animals. The face is a major indicator of identity. Spouses chose to love each other and no one else. Bodies are not interchangeable.

4.) Is it always wrong no matter what to have anal sex? I do not agree with this act, but have heard from some that it is okay as long as used as foreplay.

FATHER JOE: The preferred act for homosexuals, anal sex is deemed unnatural and demeaning to the human person. Physical harm can also come from the misuse of the body in this fashion.

5.) What is the Church’s stance on sex toys?

FATHER JOE: The Church’s stance is generally NEGATIVE. They tend to reinforce the mentality that the body is just a machine that can be manipulated for pleasure or recreation. The body itself is not a toy. Your body is YOU.

6.) Is it okay for different nationalities to intermarry? Like a black man and a white woman? I personally think it is fine as long as you both love each other and want to know, love, and serve God together. But I ask this because I’ve heard some people say that it’s not right— that God doesn’t want us to marry other nationalities.

FATHER JOE: There is no prohibition about racial or ethnic intermarriage. We are all members of the human family.

7.) I would also like to know if it’s morally sound for a married couple to touch themselves (breasts and genitals) for the gratification of the other or as a way of showing the other how they would like to be touched, as long as it doesn’t lead to male ejaculation. If so, can the woman climax from this kind of stimulation? If considered moral, is it okay for the female to orgasm from this kind of stimulation? Please Father, I know these questions are a little weird, but I would greatly appreciate both your advice and the Roman Catholic Churches teachings on these matters.

FATHER JOE: I am neither prepared nor wanting to give you a spelled-out manual. Marriage is a covenant for human beings with bodies, not for angels and not as an institution that survives our translation into ghosts. Touch is a necessary component of the sacrament between men and women. This truth also flows from the Church’s insistence that true marriage is possibly only between spouses of the opposite sex. Women want to be held and men want to hold and touch. Such is how nature works and how people are made. I would prefer to avoid questions about female physiology and just urge our married couples to enjoy the married union and to remain open to life. A husband’s duty is to make his wife happy. She is his helpmate, and by God’s providence, the mother of his children. There is nothing wrong or dirty about bodily passion. It is part of God’s plan. It also defies absolute regimentation. The only caution has to do with the intensity of the passion. As with food and drink, we should always seek a healthy moderation and a respect for persons, our own and others.

Please Father Joe, I could really use your help and counsel on this. Thank you and God Bless.

MaryKate

FATHER JOE: Confessing sins that you know you did not commit is not scrupulosity. The scrupulous person really feels that matters like fleeting thoughts or instinctive feelings are sinful. The sinful matter may indeed be missing, but the person does not understand this and feels guilty. Such a person might also give too much weight to venial sins, imagining that they are damning and mortal. Deliberately making up sins is not scrupulosity but lying. Did you make a bad confession? Well, you certainly did not do what you are supposed to do. While deception in the Confessional is serious, I am not sure if you are not suffering from some other disorder that would compel you to do such things. This might mitigate the gravity. But you should go to Confession, tell the priest what you did, and stop fibbing in the Confessional.

FATHER JOE: Huh? That is your opinion. But my bishop and the Pope regard me as a faithful son of the Church. Who are you to say otherwise? I leave my salvation to our merciful Lord. In any case, what does this have to do with passing out flowers to ladies on Mother’s Day?

The vatican-2 heretic cult (founded in 1965 at the Vatican) *cannot possibly be* the Catholic Church … since it *enforces* the opposite, the opposite, and the opposite of the Catholic Dogma (the actual Catholic Faith).

FATHER JOE: Except for a few stray bishops, all the Popes and almost all the world’s Catholic bishops would say otherwise. The Church after Vatican II is one-and-the-same with the Church of the Ages. The deposit of faith is safe and is transmitted to future generations. Your assault upon the true Church ironically places your soul in dire danger.

The Catholic Faith *is not* Bible interpretation … it is the Catholic infallible Sources of Dogma (which has been ruthlessly hidden from you, and which you must know). The Catholic Church didn’t even define the Bible’s New Testament Canon until 397 A.D. at the Council of Carthage.

FATHER JOE: The Catholic sources of revelation have always been Sacred Scripture and Sacred Tradition. The Magisterium decided upon the biblical canon and is the authentic interpreter of the Scripture and the faith given us by Christ and the apostles. You find yourself both maligning and in opposition to the teaching authority established by Christ.

The founding documents of the vatican-2 heretic cult … the “vatican-2 council” documents … have well over 200 heresies *against* prior defined Dogma.

FATHER JOE: Only Mother Church can properly and lawfully interpret her own documents. You are making yourself into an anti-pope.

Because of … the Catholic Dogma on automatic excommunication for heresy or for physical participation in a heretic cult (such as the V-2 cult) … … we were all placed, body and soul, outside of Christianity (the Catholic Church) on 8 December 1965 … the close date of the “council”.

FATHER JOE: Rubbish… absolute nonsense. You are a sick person. Your website is that of a fanatic. I will pray for your healing.

Section 13.2 > Catholic Dogma on automatic excommunication for heresy or participating in a heretic cult such as … vatican-2, lutheran, methodist, evangelical, etc.

FATHER JOE: Reaching out in dialogue and charity to the believers in Christ from other denominations is no sin. Nothing of our own is compromised. There is no religious indifferentism.

Section 13.6 > You’re not a Catholic priests and never were.

FATHER JOE: You claim that there is no longer a priesthood and thus no sacrament of penance and no Eucharist. You attack my priesthood and that of most other Catholic clergy today as a fraud. Sorry, but I firmly believe Christ’s promise that even the gates of hell will never prevail against his Church. The deception is yours. It seems that you have lost both faith and hope. May God spare you! I pray that you will come to have the mind of the Church lest you die outside the Church.

Adiuvet nos, quaesumus Domine, gloriosae tuae Genetricis semperque Virginis Mariae intercessio veneranda; ut quos perpetuis cumulavit beneficiis, a cunctis periculis absolutos, sua faciat pietate concordes: Qui vivis et regnas in saecula saeculorum. Amen.

10 years later, I am happily married to an honest and straightforward agnostic who seems to irritate my mother by breathing! After moving to a new state, I found an area Catholic church. The Priest at this church was nothing like the Fathers at my former church. Words without compassion were spoken about individuals like my friend who lives with her partner of many years and are raising two beautiful children. In further reading about the Catholic doctrine and engaging in several political arguments, I realized that I could not remain a member of the church. Instead, I’ve chosen to join the Unitarian church. While a painful decision, I felt I needed to make this change. I strongly believe that I am living a life consistent with what I’ve learned about from my mother and my former church. I’ve chosen a life of service and strive to be a compassionate, wise, forgiving, and gentle person.

With the recent birth of my son, and given that we are not members of the Church, we decided to let Lucas choose baptism later in his life. This is the tradition of my husband’s family. My mother, who has been chronically ill, has gotten irate. Calling me names, saying that I am a bad person and is asking what she did wrong. Please believe that I love my son more than life. He is amazing, and he makes me try harder each day to be a better person. It seems disingenuous to find a parish near my mother to ask for baptism, on one hand. On the other, I would never want to hurt my mother. I want her to live happily in her faith. Sorry to have made a short story long, but do you know of any options? According to your belief, will Lucas go to hell? Thanks so much.

FATHER JOE:

Dear Carrie, your life is your own. You and your husband have the final say about how you live out your family life and faith. You cannot get your child baptized in a Catholic parish just to appease your mother. I believe she is right about the importance of the sacrament, and I can well appreciate her sense of loss or remorse over your defection. Priests and mothers often weep over those who have abandoned the Church. We also frequently fault ourselves. What might we have done differently? What could have been better? Where did we go wrong? There is really not much you can do about this— just continue loving your mother and know that she will keep loving you, despite the differences and through the tears.

Nothing short of a reconversion would sooth her sorrow about this. And it would be wrong to feign such a return to the practice of the faith. Unless parents practice their faith and want to pass it to their children, baptism in the Catholic Church is not possible. Baptism is a sacrament that washes away original sin, making us temples of the Holy Spirit and adopted sons and daughters to the Father. Yes, it is the sacrament of salvation for it grants both sanctifying and actual grace. We die with Christ so that we might rise with him. We are born again as a new creation. God became a man so that we might share in the divine life. It also makes us members of the Mystical Body of Christ, the Catholic Church. Unless you believe and accept such things, then baptism is not on the table. A child comes in the arms of parents and godparents who want to share God’s life with their children. We would not want to make liars of you and have you go through the motions.

Your story began with concern about the treatment of a gay friend. While the Church sees same-sex attraction as disorientation, this in itself is not the same as sin. In any case, we struggle to love and to make room in God’s house for all who believe. We are all sinners and have fallen short of the glory of God. We cannot compromise the truths transmitted to us through the deposit of faith, but we can always love each other. I am sorry if some forgot this truth in the life of your friend.

It is true that the Church takes serious stands on issues like contraception and human life, the definition of marriage and the importance of the sacraments. There are also doctrinal tenets about God and our relationship to him. Speaking for myself, I fail to see how an authentic Catholicism of any sort, liberal or conservative, would have prepared one for such a break. The Unitarians doctrinally diverge from mainline traditions on many serious points. A universalism is embraced that makes definite truth claims incredibly relative or subjective. The Trinity is the most fundamental belief of Christianity and that is rejected. Indeed, their liberalism compromises any notion of Scripture as God’s inspired Word. They would neither accept Calvin’s predestination for judgment nor St. Augustine’s predestination to glory. Catholic soteriology speaks of original sin as the source of suffering and death. Universalism of any sort does not. Jesus is seen by Catholics as the Second Person of the Trinity. God comes to redeem and save his people. Unitarian doctrine does not regard Jesus as divine. The sacraments as we understand them are absent, particularly the sacrifice of the Mass and the Eucharistic presence. Given that your current religion does not buy into either atonement or eternal damnation, I have to wonder why you would ask me about hell. Is it just because of your mother or is there something from your Catholic past nagging at you? The view of the earliest Church fathers was that unpatized babies went to hell. The pre-Vatican II Catholic view or theory (following the Scholastic philosophers) was that babies who died without baptism went to Limbo, a place of natural happiness but ignorance about God. I cannot tell you absolutely what happens to unbaptized children should they die, but I do have great confidence in the love and compassion of God. Certainly many of us spiritually adopt and pray for children, beseeching God’s mercy upon the innocent ones.

Here is what the universal Catholic Catechism teaches:

[CCC 1257] The Lord himself affirms that Baptism is necessary for salvation. He also commands his disciples to proclaim the Gospel to all nations and to baptize them. Baptism is necessary for salvation for those to whom the Gospel has been proclaimed and who have had the possibility of asking for this sacrament. The Church does not know of any means other than Baptism that assures entry into eternal beatitude; this is why she takes care not to neglect the mission she has received from the Lord to see that all who can be baptized are “reborn of water and the Spirit.” God has bound salvation to the sacrament of Baptism, but he himself is not bound by his sacraments.

[CCC 1258] The Church has always held the firm conviction that those who suffer death for the sake of the faith without having received Baptism are baptized by their death for and with Christ. This Baptism of blood, like the desire for Baptism, brings about the fruits of Baptism without being a sacrament.

[CCC 1259] For catechumens who die before their Baptism, their explicit desire to receive it, together with repentance for their sins, and charity, assures them the salvation that they were not able to receive through the sacrament.

[CCC 1260] “Since Christ died for all, and since all men are in fact called to one and the same destiny, which is divine, we must hold that the Holy Spirit offers to all the possibility of being made partakers, in a way known to God, of the Paschal mystery.” Every man who is ignorant of the Gospel of Christ and of his Church, but seeks the truth and does the will of God in accordance with his understanding of it, can be saved. It may be supposed that such persons would have desired Baptism explicitly if they had known its necessity.

[CCC 1261] As regards children who have died without Baptism, the Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them. Indeed, the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved, and Jesus’ tenderness toward children which caused him to say: “Let the children come to me, do not hinder them,” allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without Baptism. All the more urgent is the Church’s call not to prevent little children coming to Christ through the gift of holy Baptism.

God bless you and your family… and also many prayers.

FATHER JOE: Some cruises have priests and Mass is offered. Unfortunately, there just are not enough clergy to go around. Do the best you can and enjoy your cruise. You might take a missal along and look at the readings for Sunday while on the trip. There is also nothing stopping you from saying other prayers, like the rosary. Have fun and stay close to the Lord.

FATHER JOE:

The person who seeks absolution in Confession is supposed to make a good act of contrition and come with a firm purpose of amendment.

Contrition or sorrow for sin is of two types, perfect and imperfect. Both are sufficient but perfect is best as it reflects love. We should hate sin and want to change because we know that our sins offend God whom we are to love above all things. I often think about how my sins placed Christ upon his Cross. Imperfect contrition is more about fear. Again, it satisfies the basic demands of the sacrament and is not wrong. We fear God’s judgment, the loss of heaven and the fires of hell.

While it may be extremely likely that we will sin again, we should not be capricious about the sacrament or treat it as magic. On some level we should want to be weaned away from our bad habits and know transformation in Christ, changing our ways so that we might offer a more saintly discipleship. The person coming to Confession must have hope and not despair. We might not become saints overnight but God’s grace is acting upon us. We need a desire to change. This comes to the basic motivation of the sacrament.

Mental disease is not absolutely weighed against us in the eyes of God. God knows our hearts. However, it is not an excuse for a deliberate turning away from the two-fold commandment to love God and our neighbor.

He has tried to claim I want a divorce and yet he is the one that won’t speak to me when I am at Mass with our children (or sit with us during the Homily or offer the sign peace). He used over $500,000 of my parents’ money and has managed to still put our house in debt, so has been forced to sell. I have prayed and went to counseling to try to get help for us — him, but I’ve been told he has to hit bottom and realize he needs help or will never accept it.

I need to protect my children and to date he has paid no child support which I tried to get without filing for divorce. To my shock he wants me to draw up, through his lawyer, a divorce settlement, but telling all his colleagues and priests he works with that I have abandoned the marriage. He has kicked me out during holiday time and recently told me to “go to Hell”. We had to put eviction orders in place for both our house and my mother’s house. Both our lawyers are saying that the situation is incapable of reconciliation and we must divorce. I am in a struggle with my husband, my faith and ultimately my children’s well being and future.
If I tell the priests he works with the truth, he may lose his job along with free tuition benefits for my children as well as any child support I may be entitled to.

How can he teach Theology at the college level, lead the liturgy (music director) at both the parish and university chapel and had a vasectomy and yet claimed his wife caused him to be impotent?

My counselors say I am blind and that the only reason he would have a vasectomy and claim to be impotent is there is someone else. despite all that I have said he is very charismatic and has great powers of manipulation.

what am I to do – I appear to have no way out morally and I have to provide for and protect my children.
How could he hate so much and lead others in faith?

FATHER JOE: I am so sorry about your situation. First, the current situation cannot be sustained. If he has attacked you and broken ribs then you should contact the police. Second, in addition to the dangerous abuse against you he has deliberately decided not to fulfill his duties toward you as your husband. Third, he has squandered your resources and placed the family security in jeopardy. Fourth, he has neglected his children. It sounds like the situation has gone way beyond the help of possible marriage counseling. While I cannot know for sure all the consequences of revelation; you still have every right to take legal action and to speak to your priest. Indeed, there may be a moral imperative to do so. I agree that it sounds like a situation where other things might be going on for your husband. Certainly, there is manipulation. But you and the children are in danger, both physically and psychologically. I will keep you and your family in prayer.

I was wondering the other day: Why is there a heaven? People usually seem to ask “What’s heaven like?” or “Do animals go to heaven?” but I was curious about the purpose of it.

FATHER JOE: God loves us and wants us with him and to share in his life. Sometimes the bad in this world flourish and the good suffer. Heaven and Hell speak to divine justice. Purgatory is linked to divine mercy.